Comfort in a State of Shock?

Tomorrow morning, I will I say a final goodbye to my friend, her husband, and her two small children. Chanda was one of the first people I met, and one of my first friends when I moved away from home and into Residence. I remember the night when we first bonded. We were about a week into school, and she awkwardly asked if she could use my computer to write an assignment. I don't remember if she actually finished the assignment, but I do remember giggling about how funny the term "dried raisins" was. She was always good for a laugh, and wasn't afraid to ham it up from time to time.

My fondest memory was when I came home from class one day in 2nd year, and I left my room open so everyone could watch tv before we went for supper. I remember walking in, and there were Chanda, Amanda, Erin, Ashley, and a few more, all huddled in my tiny room. Chanda had this huge jar of pickles, this big broad grin, and her hand wrist-deep in the jar, pulling out the biggest, smelliest pickle. She loved pickles. I think my room smelled like pickles for a week. I hate pickles. 

Ashley, Me, Erin, and Chanda - I'd say...early 2002. This was not the infamous 'pickles night', but it's one of few digital pictures I have of us together. Photo from Ashley. 

Over the years, we went different directions, and grew apart, but you never forget your first group of friends away from home. Her wedding was the first wedding I crashed. I also think that was the last time where we were all together. As cynical and jaded as I am about love and weddings and shit, I try to make an effort to go. I used to jokingly say that the next time we would all see each other, one of us would be in a pine box. 

I didn't think that "next time" would come so soon. 

Fuck, this sucks. Tomorrow will suck. 

It also sucks, because when Amanda got married, I couldn't get my shit together to go to her wedding. That was this past summer. It possibly would have been the last time I would have seen Chanda. Instant regret. 

I'm done beating myself up over that part of the grieving process. We all grieve differently, especially when it shakes the shit out of your world. No one saw this coming. How could we? Chanda and her family were killed by a drunk driver. The accident was pretty horrific. It was all over the news, (fuck, it's still in the news...) and in a time where word travels even faster through social media, it travels damn fast. I'm thankful for close friends who called me with the bad news before shit hit the fan. It gave me a chance to absorb the first shockwave in good company. 

Everything was 'fine' until the names were released Monday afternoon.

I think it could partly be shock of the situation, or maybe that the majority of the pictures in the news stories up until Monday afternoon only showed their mangled car. It was all still really abstract. I think I was probably still processing. Chanda's death really didn't hit until her family's picture ended up, pretty much continuously, on my Facebook home feed. Posts on her wall, on Jordan's wall, picture, after picture, after picture... Snowflakes. Jordan's aurora photographs. Images that appeared profound on the surface, but also seemed very impersonal. Followed by seemingly stiff, overly-polite statements like "This is tragic. Prayers and thoughts to [her] family and friends." I'd had enough.

Well, no shit this is tragic...but honestly your 'prayers' won't bring her or her family back. They won't take away the hurt in all our hearts. Your virtual rubber-necking is not helping. Your "prayers and thoughts" will not bring them back, nor do they actively help the situation. They do not change what happened. They will not change the effect of this in the future. They do not provide a solution. They. Don't. Help.

I couldn't take it anymore. I had to walk away. 

Monday night, a conversation with a friend really struck a chord with me. He said, "It hurts so much because you cared about her.” (I’m pretty sure that was something he'd heard from his little sister.) Not once did he say, "I'm sorry for your loss" or "I'll keep you and the families in my thoughts." Instead it was, to the tune of, "this is complete garbage", and "that sucks". It was the first honest conversation I had about this whole situation. 

Later that night, I was checking messages and quickly glanced at my home feed. Most people had moved on, as they do when they're not directly affected, but a few decided to post more "prayers and thoughts" to the family. I felt insulted, and partially enraged. I'm still a little angry. Again, your virtual rubber-necking is not helping. 

Platitudes.... Phony platitudes. I'm sure it's well-meaning, but it's not helping. You are not helping. Your prayers are not going to bring that family back. It's like they keep poking at the wound. I had considered telling them to stop, but I knew that wouldn't solve the problem, because frankly, I'd had enough. I would likely get more "I'm so sorry for your loss.” Again—not helping. 

Why can't we just be honest when grieving? Why are we so phony about it? I've had no problem saying, "Oh shit, this sucks" through this entire ordeal...because it does. It hurts. I'll never see my friend again. Girls Night with Rez friends will never be the same. They didn't happen often, but it's quality...not quantity. There will never be enough "sorry" in the world to bring Chanda and her family back. 

So, to those posting "prayers" and "thoughts" and "tributes", go right ahead if it makes you feel better, but understand that this is the social media equivalent of rubber-necking--slowing down to peer into someone’s tragedy, but not really doing anything about it. If you want to help, then be actively helpful: be the DD, stop your friends from making stupid decisions, stop yourself from making a stupid decision and don’t drive because ‘you’re fine'. Don't just think...do.  

Up to this point, the only real comfort I had found was in my own solitude, my work, and the conversations with mutual friends - some sad ones about funeral plans and eulogies, some happy ones about old photos and memories. Either way, social media was not helping my grieving process. 

When I was ready to slowly come back to my home feed on FB, there were still posts about he accident, and the driver, and the tributes, the the "so sorry's". It still hurts. But you know what post was the most comforting in my grieving process? Something seemingly boring, presented as a notification of an inconvenience to Friday's commute. 

It showed up once on my feed. Once. One post out of what seemed like hundreds... 

It was a post from the Department of Highways, saying that there will be delays on Hwy 11 on Friday because a SaskPower crew will be doing work at the intersection of Hwy 11 and Wanuskewin -- the dangerous intersection where the accident happened. They're doing the leg-work to begin installing lights. It's not the be-all, end-all...but to me, up to that point, that routine announcement was the most comfort I had received from anyone. It did not mention the crash. It did not mention any names, or show any pictures. It did not mention that this was a dangerous intersection. It wasn't an "I'm sorry for your loss." Not even close. It was a step towards a preventative solution. It was taking action. 

(Upon reflection, the majority of those posting "prayers and thoughts" are also the same people on my feed that continuously post the "vague inspirational post in front of pretty picture" kind of crap. That shit seems so phony to me. I've decided to unfollow and move on. Action—taken.)

I'm not angry with the drunk driver that killed my friend and her family. She made a decision, and she'll have to live with that decision. I'm angry with how we just can't be honest with one another. If something is awful, and it sucks...say so. Be active about it. If you can't be active, and provide a tangible solution, then please take your inaction elsewhere. Don't feel that you need to be polite and send "prayers" because of a stupid social convention. Be honest. Propose solutions. 

I'm also angry with how it takes a situation like this for us to realize how important old friends are. 

I spent the afternoon today with old friends; friends I wish I didn't have to see under such horrible circumstances. I'm terrible at keeping in touch. I get lost in work and school and I often forget to eat, let alone tell the people I care about that they're important to me. I'm going to work on changing that. I like to keep people at arm's length. It will be hard for me, but I want the people I care about to know just how deeply I care about them, even though I'm shit at showing it.  

Something about a "quickie" here

Quick update before I call it a night.....

I have a paper accepted for publishing.
I can now update my CV with a title "In Press".

That's really cool...and I can't wait to put that paper "to rest"....at least for now.

Also....I had a pretty awesome weekend with my research group. More to come....

Well, I needed a laugh today..

This morning I woke up, I checked my e-mail...there were a lot that went to the trash bin right away.  That's par for the course...and frankly too normal.

This morning I got this e-mail:

I'm apologizing ahead of time for the crappy image quality.  If you have the patience to follow along with this post, you'll understand why I decided to forgo making these images pretty a priority.  Also, I did my best to hide e-mail addresses and names of those involved.  I think someone neglecting to do so when they made the original department e-mail list may have been the root of this problem.  If you've had anything to do with the Division of Biomedical Engineering at the U of S.....you understand the problem....

Anyways...back to the first e-mail.  I was offended, and I thought that using the department e-mail for this was inappropriate.  I think it was even more inappropriate because this e-mail came from a Professor affiliated with the department.  It came directly from them....not through the department Admin Assistant...so they had no respect for the policy.

I shrugged and deleted it.

A couple hours later, this one showed up:

...and 10 minutes later...this one:

...both of these from University faculty (Professors actually).

I guess they BOTH needed to share their opinions on the matter. 

Note the time stamp. About 10 mins later, the Department Head decided to weigh in:

Thank the Lord!! (Pun totally, and ironically, intended.)  I thought it would all be over.  Finally, someone with a little more "authority" weighs in and forever rest your peace....or so I thought...because an apology from the original sender followed:

OK.  I figured that would be the last one.  Someone makes an offensive mistake, someone (and maybe another) expresses their frustration, the person with a little bit of authority steps in to provide a solution, and finally an apology is issued.

Boy, was I wrong.  There was another...

...and another...

...and another (maybe with the first little bit of common sense implied)...

...and another (from the original sender...to explain that they sent it, not the Admin Assistant).

At this point in the day, I had to go to a meeting across town.  So I got in my vehicle, and threw my phone in the glove compartment...because I'm responsible like that and don't like to be tempted to play with my phone while I drive...and went about my day.

When I got to my destination, there were more e-mails!!!  MOAR!!!

This one (from a student...or at least I'm assuming so because it doesn't add to the debate...but I mean, even the previous e-mails from faculty members didn't seem to have any hint of common sense...so I could be wrong):

...and this one (also from a student):

I'm leaving the sender on this one (but no e-mail address) because I want to thank you Nigel.  I want to thank you for putting 9 faculty members in their place and pointing out the obvious:

STOP FUCKING SPAMMING ME!!!

Again...Nigel....thanks!

Note: I didn't even get into the "How I feel about religion" part of the issue, because honestly I'm fucking exhausted.  I've sifted through this crap at least three times...sometimes four or five times just to make sure that I've deleted as many names and e-mail addresses as I fucking could because this was just bloody ridiculous!

Fuck!

I'll save the religious debate for later....maybe...I like to avoid it like the plague...because that's kind of what it is.  There was no pun intended in there.  I'm tired.

ooooo...almost time for Castle....

For my younger friends.

Wow, it's been 2 months.....funny how that happens.

I've had this post in my arsenal for that 2-month period, but just haven't gotten around to posting until tonight.  I finally had a night free of homework guilt. Cool. 

I'm a fan of TED talks.  This one came across my RADAR in mid-July, and again last week during an NPR Ted Hour podcast. I had a re-listen, and the meaning still rings pretty true 2 months later.  (I have it going in the background now.....still pretty awesome.)

This post will be short and sweet.  The talk kind of speaks for itself. Listen to it. If you have an hour, listen to the NPR podcast. It's worth it.

Take-home message: Spend your twenties learning about yourself. Understand who you are. Pay attention to what you want. Make good life choices.  Don't just let your 20's pass you by.  It's not time meant to kill. 

I think I did most of that, but now in my thirties (I still have to get used to saying that...) I wish I would have understood some of this advice about....oh....ten years ago. 

Even if no one sat me down, I think I came across some of this advice by trial and error throughout my 20's.

I changed a lot in my 20's.  A. LOT. (I also spent a lot of time in University...but that's beside the point.)  My career plan changed probably 10 times. Hell, it's still changing...but I think I'm starting to hone in on something. Finally.

I dated a lot of different people in my 20's too.  I'm still slowly figuring a lot of this area out, but I know what I'm willing to compromise on. Ten years ago, I had no idea what compromise really was. 


For my friends who are still in their twenties, here's a talk you should listen to.

You're welcome.

Probably the best math class...maybe ever.

When I'm in class taking notes, I tend to jot down just as many "random ideas" as I do actual class notes.  Sometimes they're witty things I think of, sometimes they're semi-brilliant ideas, but most of the time, it's something really funny either a student or the Prof has said. 

Today was one of those classes. 

I suppose writing down someone else's ramblings may be a little on the disrespectful side....well, not really, but it's kind of uncomfortable recording someone else's ruminating moments, especially when that someone is someone that truly amazes you.

Here's where I stand on it:  I've taught.....I've publicly rambled--even when not teaching.  Those words are usually documented.  It's cool.  It's going to happen eventually.  I'm just so gorram witty and sharp that someone, somewhere will find a little bit of humor in the clutter that is my thoughts.

I figure that you really must be paying attention if you document someone's random ramblings, especially when tensors have never made so much sense before (I totally had a lightbulb moment where the last 8 years of my engineering career made sense in about a fraction if a second.  It was...literally....brilliant--but that's a post for another time I guess.)

Here's some real gems.....I'm posting the "not-so-awesome-ones" simply because I want to save the awesome ones for a slam poem I'm working on. (That's a post for another time.) Also, some are mine, some belong to my Prof.  Some are a combined effort.

WARNING: Lots of these are a "you had to be there" or incredibly nerdy, like elephant-sine-theta and the mountain goat is a scalar kind of nerdy.  If you don't get it....well....that's really too bad *dismissively tap on head*. 

• "Remember the Moment..."
• "Turns out PLANE42 isn't the meaning of Life, the Universe, and Everything after all...it's merely 4 nodes in 2 degrees.  Well.....that's disappointing."
• "I'm pretty sure Einstein threw his hands up in the air in frustration too at one point.  Don't judge me!" (We were learning "Einstein notation" that day. Next step--world domination.)
• "Remember that day in 226 when you fell asleep in class and hit your head on the back of your chair...today we're gonna review that stuff." (I honestly didn't think he remembered that. Dr. D. is now officially SUPERMAN! True story.)
• "This is 'THE CHART'. Trust me, it looks a lot easier to understand than my medical records."
• "You now have 5 displacements, 5 unknowns, and they all come from second-order, non-linear ODE's....can't be that difficult? Right?"
• "Pain, I think it's all just a part of the 'simple decomposition' process." (There's like three double-entendres in there.....trust me...)
• "People let you down. Math doesn't"
• "I get tired of people, then I go do math.  Makes me feel better."
• "Apparently you can't do matrix operations without a Q or Star Trek reference.  I'm really sorry."
• "Tensors don't yell at each other. Brothers do."
• "Eigenvalues are better than muscles--they stretch both ways."

And here's one of my favorites...

"I'm hungry.  I think I'll eat while you guys write.  I wonder if I should do that next time I'm at the doctor...pull out a granola bar when he starts to scribble stuff down.  He'd probably scream, 'What are you doing!?'.  'Meh, it's my new thing.'"

Good class.  Makes math fun again.  I need that right now.

Just a small-town girl.....(no, not that kind of Journey)...

So, I found this article a few weeks back...and I've finally had time to do some mental ruminating on it. 

It's a look at female PhD students studying chemistry in the UK, and where (and how) they end up employed after all that fancy schooling.  I can totally relate with the figures they spit out.  I've found quite a few other sources that will agree as well.

As for where I'll end up, I'm still not too sure.  All I'm 100% sure about is that I don't want teaching to be my primary duty.  (If you've been following my blog, you know exactly why; if you haven't, well....just trust me.)

At this point though, I kind of agree with this article. I think I would be "better off" in industry....or with my own consulting company/laboratory. I'm sick and tired with the bureaucracy of Universities...I'm also sick and tired of being poor. Honestly, though....I don't think my reasons are gender-based (as brought up in the article).

As a female engineer in industry (especially an industry that was VERY male-dominated...I was one of six female "test engineers" in all of North America for a very large "international" company.  I think I was one of about 40 world-wide. (There was a pun there, but only the hard-core farm equipment buffs will get it.)  Bottom line, I saw more than my fair share of barriers because I was female; however, none of them prevented me from doing my job.  It may have made it a little more difficult, but I was always able to finish the job to the best of my abilities.

It could be the lack of role models.  I don't think so though.  Although I didn't have any "close" female science-type role models growing up, I did have the chance to meet a wicked-awesome Canadian astronaut (who also happened to be a very nice lady) when I was 11.  That was a pretty neat experience.  From that point on I thought "If she can do this, why can't I." (I'm not an astronaut, but I think I'm pretty damned close to similar (but by far not even close) accomplishments. :P ....)

Either way, I think the article is in some ways correct.  There are fewer women that enter academia, but I think it extends to further than the "gender-related" reasons stated in the article. 

Here's my 2-cents: It takes a lot of gumption, bull-headedness, stubbornness, patience, ambition, passion...and all those other flouncy nouns and adjectives...to finish an advanced degree, no matter what your gender.  It's exhausting.  I think that women just realize that there's a little more to life than everything that goes on in getting that fancy Doctorate, that once they graduate, they throw their arms in the air and exclaim "FUCK IT!" and decide to never have to deal with that crap again.  They sell out and go into industry. 

The men on the other hand, are just so damned excited that they were able to make it through, they have no idea what happened and decide to sign their name on the first dotted line that appears. It just happens to be a teaching position at a University...because the women graduands are perceptive enough to walk away while the walking's good.

You're welcome. 


(Also when I'm done this degree, I'm starting to consider a second Doctorate in Women's and Gender studies or something of that likeness.  We'll see.)

(There is some more deep thought on this subject, but it's late, I'm tired, and I have an assignment to work on. It involves some reasonably exciting math.  I'd rather do that then write.)

Well, that escalated quickly....and by escalated, I mean pretty damn dark.

So, I watched Star Trek: Into Darkness on Monday evening.  I went, I saw, I conquered a medium popcorn.
I went knowing very little beforehand; I refused to purposely watch any trailers or read any reviews....simply because this is Star Trek! It's something sacred, that just shouldn't be messed with. 

Well, about an hour in, it got dark.  Damn dark.  Like Frank Miller Batman dark.  It was messed with.
I don't have a problem with "Frank Miller Dark"....I love Sin City, The Dark Knight, etc, etc...it's that J.J. Abrams decided to dabble in dark and apply it to Star Trek.  *facepalm*

Now, I had this idea come to me in the shower, so it's scribbled in some cryptic form of grease-marker shorthand all over my bathroom wall, so it may only be partially developed.  I need to release it to the world though so I can move on without letting my Nerd show too much.  (5 accusations in 7 days....I think I need to tone it back or get out more often...)

Back to Frank Miller--Batman is completely acceptable for "Dark". I mean, look simply at the character development.  Here's a guy who's seriously disturbed.
Now paralleling Bruce Wayne to the J.J. Abrams Star Trek, ok...I will concede that Kirk is allowed to be a little "dark".  In TOS, or at least according to the 2009 movie reboot, Kirk's parents lived to see him graduate from Starfleet.  In the reboot parallel universe his father died a fiery death is a battle against the Romulan, so Kirk was stuck in Iowa as a spoiled kid that drives his uncle's 67 Stingray Convertible (awesome car btw) recklessly over a cliff.   From this, I can accept that Kirk himself will lean a little bit towards the troubled side of the spectrum. But the whole movie.....wait....wut?

I found a review that pretty much sums up where I stand on the movie. I also had and discussion (although not heated, we seemed to see eye-to-eye on most things) with a friend about how the reboot pulled too far from the TOS.

My take-home: If you have 2.5 hours to kill, and you want to see some explosions, some romantic plot lines (between Spock and Uhura...ewwww--no spoiler, you knew that was coming), some reasonably witty writing (it's no Joss Whedon, but I'll take it), then go and see it. 

If you want what Star Trek: TOS is known for: discovery, SCIENCE!, exploration, peace love and freedom, etc....then go watch the reboot, but accept that it's no TOS.  Not at all.

My favorite part of the movie (spoiler alert) was about 1/2 an hour in, when Scotty and Kirk have a pretty heated argument about the ethics and responsibilities of a Starfleet mission, eventually leading to Scotty's resignation.  I was kind of expecting the remaining 2 hours to take that turn.  They didn't. I was sad. The Esquire article I posted covers this argument pretty solidly. Honestly, I think the debate and moral argument was the most exciting part of the entire Star Trek franchise. (...which I think is why TNG is my favorite...)

One thing that was done very well (and I mean very well) was the character development.  We got to see Spock's "human side". We got to see a little more of McCoy's smart-ass demeanor.   Kirk, well, he wasn't so much of a ladies man (as in the OS), and seemed more like a spoiled brat with an expensive spaceship to do damage with, but there were still more dimensions to his character in a 2.5 hour movie than I think there were in 79 one-hour episodes (I know I'm opening up a huge can of worms here, but I'm willing to take that risk).  At least we got to see a little more of what makes the crew tick.  I appreciate that.

Bottom line: I much preferred the original 1982 Wrath of Khan. :P
Parallel universe or not, but it was still worth the watch.  I'm just wondering if it's worth the thought investment of the past three days.