A lot has happened in the last month.
Wyatt got married. Yay!
I moved into my new place. Yay!
I haven't done a lot of thesis writing. Boo!
Other than that, I really don't have a lot to write about. Been reading a lot lately. I'm finding it really easy to get lost in a book. I guess it's an acceptable active procrastination tool; I kind of feel like I'm accomplishing something, even if Harry Potter has absolutely nothing to do with my thesis.
I'm ready for fall though. I've been trying to keep some sort of routine. It's tough. Fall will kick me into a routine I guess.
I'm also ready for fall because my thesis will have to be written by the end of September and I can start doing some of the grunt work for my Ph.D. project. I was able to jump into/start up a project where I already had access to all the data, software and knowledge I need, which is kind of cool. It should help me out in the long-run.
I spent yesterday at the Fringe with the 'fur babies'. I think I'll do the same later this afternoon. They're really good at attracting small children, old ladies and squealy Asian girls. Not so good at attracting the single smart guys, but whatever.
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Decisions...I guess...
No one's really a fan of making big decisions. In the past month I've managed to make my way through a few of them, but the decision I need to make before the end of this summer is going to be a real big one.
I bought a house 2 weeks ago. That was a big decision, but it was honestly a reasonably easy one to make. I could put in an offer, or I couldn't. A or B. 50/50 shot. I ended up putting in an offer because I was at the point where I realized that I really didn't have a whole lot of options to pick from. There were very few houses that fit the criteria my parents and I could agree on, and 2 of the houses we wanted to look at were sold before I could go and investigate. I knew that if I didn't put an offer in on this guy, it would be sold out from under me. So, long story short, I bought a house and I get possession July 16, with the move and clean-out complete by July 29. I'm kind of stoked.
The decision I have to make now isn't as cut and dry as the "buying a house" decision was. I need to pick a Ph.D. direction that fits within the scope of our research group, and that I think I can tackle in 3 years time. Some of my friends and family think, "Well, you can pretty much do whatever you want!"...as if it's a great thing. I think knowing that I could do "whatever I want" is part of the problem. I'm the type that needs limitations and boundaries in order to make a decision, because otherwise I'll make the "wrong" choice and end up paying for it for a long time. I guess I have some limits, like it needs to fit within the scope of our research group and I need to be able to finish in 3 years, but other than that...I feel like I'm swimming without a lifeguard on duty.
I'm wondering if the past couple of months has something to do with an article that I found a week or so ago. It's about "bright girls" and perhaps being constantly told so may have put us at risk for low self-esteem and low achievement later in life. I might be hitting that "later in life" stage. The gist of the article explains that high-performing girls, who are always being told "Good work" at a young age start to conceive the concept of "brightness" or "cleverness" as a skill that can't be improved upon. To put it bluntly, they start to believe that either you know the answer, or you don't, and that abilities and skills, like learning, don't really change over time. Bottom-line, girls who are consistently told that they're "smart" at a young age are more likely to quit when the going gets tough. That's kind of how I feel right now. I figure I might as well quit, go back into industry, start making "real money" and stop hitting the "snooze button on life". Thing is, I really enjoy my research, but I still have absolutely no idea what I want to do when I'm finished. I know I don't really want to teach...and that's about it.
This article lead me to another question...or at least another brainwave: I think this view of "learning as an unchanging skill" could be why I beat myself up for not knowing all the answers and why I get down on myself up when I don't understand something. I've usually been able to figure out answers to problems pretty quickly; and once I hit a problem that I can't figure out right away I get really frustrated, start crying, feeling like a failure and beat myself up for not knowing the answer because I've always been told "Good work" or "You're so smart". I get this little monologue in my head, "Well, if I'm so god-damned smart, why in the fuck can't I figure this shit out!?"....and because I'm so stupidly stubborn, I can't break myself down to throwing in the towel like the girls in this study. I could be my own worst enemy....likely at the expense of, or caused by, those who've supported me my whole life.
This is starting to sound like the kind of stuff I should be telling a shrink. Anyone know any good shrinks in the Saskatoon area? The kind that will listen to self-destructive grad students?
On a side note, we had a research group meeting today about designing some medical equipment to be sent into space...which is pretty wicked-awesome, and I'm starting to re-consider my previously self-crushed dreams about becoming an astronaut. Up until grade 6, I thought about being either an astronaut or a vet "when I grow up", then in 1994, I met Julie Payette and was really intimidated about the amount of school that she went through before she applied to join the Canadian Space Agency; that was the point where I realized that it was a lot of school and I'd "settle" to be a scientist, a vet, or an engineer (I gave up on the "vet dream" in fall 2000, after I flunked my first exam....ever). I'm having a look at her bio right now, and, well.....looking at her accomplishments pre-1992 (the year she was accepted to CSA)....I'm at the same stage in my education as she was, and have accomplished just as much....maybe even a little more. I'm already up one post-secondary degree with my BSA and my BE, and will be on par with my MSc. I have similar industry experience. I have received similar scholarships. Maybe I'll throw "Astronaut" back on my list of potential jobs when I'm finished my PhD. Nothing against Julie Payette...she's one of the most amazing and down-to-earth women I've met...but it's nice to see that you're just as accomplished as your role models were at the same stage in their life.
I bought a house 2 weeks ago. That was a big decision, but it was honestly a reasonably easy one to make. I could put in an offer, or I couldn't. A or B. 50/50 shot. I ended up putting in an offer because I was at the point where I realized that I really didn't have a whole lot of options to pick from. There were very few houses that fit the criteria my parents and I could agree on, and 2 of the houses we wanted to look at were sold before I could go and investigate. I knew that if I didn't put an offer in on this guy, it would be sold out from under me. So, long story short, I bought a house and I get possession July 16, with the move and clean-out complete by July 29. I'm kind of stoked.
The decision I have to make now isn't as cut and dry as the "buying a house" decision was. I need to pick a Ph.D. direction that fits within the scope of our research group, and that I think I can tackle in 3 years time. Some of my friends and family think, "Well, you can pretty much do whatever you want!"...as if it's a great thing. I think knowing that I could do "whatever I want" is part of the problem. I'm the type that needs limitations and boundaries in order to make a decision, because otherwise I'll make the "wrong" choice and end up paying for it for a long time. I guess I have some limits, like it needs to fit within the scope of our research group and I need to be able to finish in 3 years, but other than that...I feel like I'm swimming without a lifeguard on duty.
I'm wondering if the past couple of months has something to do with an article that I found a week or so ago. It's about "bright girls" and perhaps being constantly told so may have put us at risk for low self-esteem and low achievement later in life. I might be hitting that "later in life" stage. The gist of the article explains that high-performing girls, who are always being told "Good work" at a young age start to conceive the concept of "brightness" or "cleverness" as a skill that can't be improved upon. To put it bluntly, they start to believe that either you know the answer, or you don't, and that abilities and skills, like learning, don't really change over time. Bottom-line, girls who are consistently told that they're "smart" at a young age are more likely to quit when the going gets tough. That's kind of how I feel right now. I figure I might as well quit, go back into industry, start making "real money" and stop hitting the "snooze button on life". Thing is, I really enjoy my research, but I still have absolutely no idea what I want to do when I'm finished. I know I don't really want to teach...and that's about it.
This article lead me to another question...or at least another brainwave: I think this view of "learning as an unchanging skill" could be why I beat myself up for not knowing all the answers and why I get down on myself up when I don't understand something. I've usually been able to figure out answers to problems pretty quickly; and once I hit a problem that I can't figure out right away I get really frustrated, start crying, feeling like a failure and beat myself up for not knowing the answer because I've always been told "Good work" or "You're so smart". I get this little monologue in my head, "Well, if I'm so god-damned smart, why in the fuck can't I figure this shit out!?"....and because I'm so stupidly stubborn, I can't break myself down to throwing in the towel like the girls in this study. I could be my own worst enemy....likely at the expense of, or caused by, those who've supported me my whole life.
This is starting to sound like the kind of stuff I should be telling a shrink. Anyone know any good shrinks in the Saskatoon area? The kind that will listen to self-destructive grad students?
On a side note, we had a research group meeting today about designing some medical equipment to be sent into space...which is pretty wicked-awesome, and I'm starting to re-consider my previously self-crushed dreams about becoming an astronaut. Up until grade 6, I thought about being either an astronaut or a vet "when I grow up", then in 1994, I met Julie Payette and was really intimidated about the amount of school that she went through before she applied to join the Canadian Space Agency; that was the point where I realized that it was a lot of school and I'd "settle" to be a scientist, a vet, or an engineer (I gave up on the "vet dream" in fall 2000, after I flunked my first exam....ever). I'm having a look at her bio right now, and, well.....looking at her accomplishments pre-1992 (the year she was accepted to CSA)....I'm at the same stage in my education as she was, and have accomplished just as much....maybe even a little more. I'm already up one post-secondary degree with my BSA and my BE, and will be on par with my MSc. I have similar industry experience. I have received similar scholarships. Maybe I'll throw "Astronaut" back on my list of potential jobs when I'm finished my PhD. Nothing against Julie Payette...she's one of the most amazing and down-to-earth women I've met...but it's nice to see that you're just as accomplished as your role models were at the same stage in their life.
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Yes, you can protest....but have you thought about the "other guys"?
I love my fresh, handmade cosmetics. I do A LOT of shopping at Lush Cosmetics at Midtown in Saskatoon. I also have a tendency to find a Lush in whatever city I land in. I found them here:
I love that they use what they consider "free trade", "organic", "ethically sourced" ingredients...I guess we all have a little "hippy" in us. I also love that they have a body lotion - Charity Pot - where a portion of the sale of the product gets donated to the cause on the lid. For a period last year, it went to help families in Japan after the tsunami. Another of their recent causes was to help women in Columbia start their own businesses. I guess I'm partially biased to the causes that have a human side to them, as opposed to some of the other causes they choose to support. Right now, I don't think I'll be buying any Charity Pot though.....because of it's most recent cause.
Last month's cause was to stop testing cosmetics on animals. Now, I'm all for the prevention of animal cruelty, but I believe that there is a place and a purpose for all animal testing. I understand where the people at Lush are coming from, but I don't think they understand the WHOLE story. Let me explain:
As a medical/veterinary researcher, I read a lot of journals...peer-reviewed SCIENCE...where certain tests have been performed on one species (mostly specially bred lab mice) because it's simply UNETHICAL, UNSAFE, UNREALISTIC and most of all IMPOSSIBLE to safely perform these tests on human, with full following of the unbiased scientific process.
Let me give you an example:
For some tests, mice are induced with rapidly advancing simulations of degenerative diseases...like say osteoarthritis...then their progress and outcomes are measured so we can gain a greater understanding of the disease in general; primarily to improve patient care and early diagnosis. I don't think ANY ethical board will allow ANY group of researchers to induce a completely healthy population (because we need a suitable and reliable baseline) with a degenerative disease, when we don't even have an idea on how their bodies will react. Also, for humane reasons - because who would honestly want to live their life with a rapidly advancing degenerative disease (I'm all for SCIENCE, but I wouldn't wish that shit on anyone) - after the experiment, the animals are euthanized. I don't think we could get away with euthanizing 50 to 100 humans, who were healthy 3 weeks ago, after our investigation was complete.
Hell, name one sane person who would sign up for that shit! I honestly don't even think we could use prisoners on "death row" for this, for a few reasons - they're largely male (so we're no longer dealing with a representative sample), they may not have the best track record for drug use (we need a healthy baseline and crack-heads just won't do) and again the whole aspect of patient care (we have a hard enough time caring for our prisoners as it is, let alone if they're full of untreatable diseases).
Anyways, for the past 2 months, Lush was collecting signatures on a "petition" to stop cosmetic-related animal testing. They were writing names all over the windows, so I have a hard time accepting this as a legal petition, but if it makes you feel good about yourself.....
Last time I stopped in, I was approached by the clerk at the door, with the marker, asking if I wanted to sign my name. I said, as politely as I could, "Actually, I can't. If I sign this, I'm in conflict of interest of my research, and my job. I'm really sorry." I think I pretty much drove over the clerk's cat. She was pretty crushed.
I went on to explain that I understand that this is specifically petitioning against cosmetically-related animal testing, but cosmetics companies follow the same set of ethical guidelines/laws/procedures as direct medical research, and if I sign this glass window with your little white marker, I'm essentially signing away the future of my job.
I then went on to ask why Lush no longer sells their "Suncare Line" - they used to have 2 or 3 types of sunscreens....they were pretty amazing. She didn't even know that they sold sunscreen once upon a time. I had to explain that once upon a time, Lush sold sunscreens, but had to kill the line because in order to declare a product safe to use as a "sunscreen" or "sunblock" with an SPF, FDA requires that the product is extensively tested on animals to make sure that it actually does what it is supposed to do.....prevent skin cancer. I told her that because of the claim, and significant but moderately related evidence, that excessive sun can cause skin to change and may result in skin cancer, Lush can't sell cosmetics and claim that they have an SPF rating, unless it's been proven so. It's a safety issue.
(Disclaimer: I'm all for the use of a minimum of SPF 30, as a preventative measure. Because I'm a scientist, I can't make causal claims, but I do believe that sunscreen can prevent skin cancer....so lather up kids.)
Again, when I told her that, I'm pretty sure I crushed her second cat with my car. I crushed her cat for another 10 minutes, explaining that in order to improve quality of life, we will ultimately need to perform medical-related tests on animals. There's a fine line between "cosmetic" and "medical". In my eyes, they're one and the same. I didn't want to sign my job away.
Their current campaign is to stop the development of a pipeline running from the Alberta Tar Sands to the British Columbia Coast. Once again, something I'm not entirely for. I have quite a few reasons, but I want to make sure I get my facts straight before I walk into the store and start debating with the staff.
- across from Macy's in NYC,
- down the street from Pike Place Market in Seattle,
- in Vieux Quebec (totally by fluke, but I still found it),
- in Barcelona around the corner from my hostel,
- and the easy one at Pearson Airport in Toronto.
I love that they use what they consider "free trade", "organic", "ethically sourced" ingredients...I guess we all have a little "hippy" in us. I also love that they have a body lotion - Charity Pot - where a portion of the sale of the product gets donated to the cause on the lid. For a period last year, it went to help families in Japan after the tsunami. Another of their recent causes was to help women in Columbia start their own businesses. I guess I'm partially biased to the causes that have a human side to them, as opposed to some of the other causes they choose to support. Right now, I don't think I'll be buying any Charity Pot though.....because of it's most recent cause.
Last month's cause was to stop testing cosmetics on animals. Now, I'm all for the prevention of animal cruelty, but I believe that there is a place and a purpose for all animal testing. I understand where the people at Lush are coming from, but I don't think they understand the WHOLE story. Let me explain:
As a medical/veterinary researcher, I read a lot of journals...peer-reviewed SCIENCE...where certain tests have been performed on one species (mostly specially bred lab mice) because it's simply UNETHICAL, UNSAFE, UNREALISTIC and most of all IMPOSSIBLE to safely perform these tests on human, with full following of the unbiased scientific process.
Let me give you an example:
For some tests, mice are induced with rapidly advancing simulations of degenerative diseases...like say osteoarthritis...then their progress and outcomes are measured so we can gain a greater understanding of the disease in general; primarily to improve patient care and early diagnosis. I don't think ANY ethical board will allow ANY group of researchers to induce a completely healthy population (because we need a suitable and reliable baseline) with a degenerative disease, when we don't even have an idea on how their bodies will react. Also, for humane reasons - because who would honestly want to live their life with a rapidly advancing degenerative disease (I'm all for SCIENCE, but I wouldn't wish that shit on anyone) - after the experiment, the animals are euthanized. I don't think we could get away with euthanizing 50 to 100 humans, who were healthy 3 weeks ago, after our investigation was complete.
Hell, name one sane person who would sign up for that shit! I honestly don't even think we could use prisoners on "death row" for this, for a few reasons - they're largely male (so we're no longer dealing with a representative sample), they may not have the best track record for drug use (we need a healthy baseline and crack-heads just won't do) and again the whole aspect of patient care (we have a hard enough time caring for our prisoners as it is, let alone if they're full of untreatable diseases).
Anyways, for the past 2 months, Lush was collecting signatures on a "petition" to stop cosmetic-related animal testing. They were writing names all over the windows, so I have a hard time accepting this as a legal petition, but if it makes you feel good about yourself.....
Last time I stopped in, I was approached by the clerk at the door, with the marker, asking if I wanted to sign my name. I said, as politely as I could, "Actually, I can't. If I sign this, I'm in conflict of interest of my research, and my job. I'm really sorry." I think I pretty much drove over the clerk's cat. She was pretty crushed.
I went on to explain that I understand that this is specifically petitioning against cosmetically-related animal testing, but cosmetics companies follow the same set of ethical guidelines/laws/procedures as direct medical research, and if I sign this glass window with your little white marker, I'm essentially signing away the future of my job.
I then went on to ask why Lush no longer sells their "Suncare Line" - they used to have 2 or 3 types of sunscreens....they were pretty amazing. She didn't even know that they sold sunscreen once upon a time. I had to explain that once upon a time, Lush sold sunscreens, but had to kill the line because in order to declare a product safe to use as a "sunscreen" or "sunblock" with an SPF, FDA requires that the product is extensively tested on animals to make sure that it actually does what it is supposed to do.....prevent skin cancer. I told her that because of the claim, and significant but moderately related evidence, that excessive sun can cause skin to change and may result in skin cancer, Lush can't sell cosmetics and claim that they have an SPF rating, unless it's been proven so. It's a safety issue.
(Disclaimer: I'm all for the use of a minimum of SPF 30, as a preventative measure. Because I'm a scientist, I can't make causal claims, but I do believe that sunscreen can prevent skin cancer....so lather up kids.)
Again, when I told her that, I'm pretty sure I crushed her second cat with my car. I crushed her cat for another 10 minutes, explaining that in order to improve quality of life, we will ultimately need to perform medical-related tests on animals. There's a fine line between "cosmetic" and "medical". In my eyes, they're one and the same. I didn't want to sign my job away.
Their current campaign is to stop the development of a pipeline running from the Alberta Tar Sands to the British Columbia Coast. Once again, something I'm not entirely for. I have quite a few reasons, but I want to make sure I get my facts straight before I walk into the store and start debating with the staff.
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Opinions - we're all entitled to them...
I'm not a malicious person. Opinionated - yes; malicious - not at all.
I also feel that we each need our own support system. I could be blowing this whole situation out of proportion, but I don't think that we should be selective on the support we receive from others, and who we receive it from. I think the most meaningful means of support can be the ones that we least expect.
To provide some background, I have a friend getting married this summer. I think he's a great guy; I've always thought he's a great guy. The girl he's marrying - on the other hand - I don't think very highly of, simply because from what I've seen she's manipulative, needy, and just not a very nice person. I honestly think my friend could do better.
I was invited to their wedding, and permitted to bring a guest. I decided to bring along one of our mutual friends, who was not invited. I'm not sure why he wasn't invited; honestly it's not my business to know. I do know that he feels the same way about this wedding as I do, but because we love our friend, we want to be there to support him, no matter what decision he makes. That's what friends do - we support one another - no matter what bonehead decisions we make.
On the RSVP, I was asked to provide the name of the guest I will be bringing - likely for table seating...I thought this was no big deal. I provided our mutual friends' name. This morning I received an e-mail asking that I do not bring him along as my guest. I was quite taken aback. I think it takes quite a bit of nerve to tell me who I should be bringing along as my date. Going to weddings alone is hard enough, even harder when you're not "allowed" to bring along someone who not only wants to support your mutual friend, but can also provide a little bit of support to you.
I don't want to start rumors....but what if we were dating? (For the record, we're not, but I honestly wouldn't oppose it....he's a good catch as far as I'm concerned.) What if he's been my support system for the past few months when I was going through a tough time? (Which he has been...but I don't think he realizes it.) What if he simply wanted to support his friend in the same way that I want to support him? (Which he does.)
My initial reaction was, "Well, if my date isn't 'allowed' to go, then I won't be going either." If you're going to be selective on the support you receive, then you really don't need mine after all. I may have been quite angry at 3 AM when I composed this e-mail, but my beliefs still stand: (I'm also including the thread - simply for context...names and such deleted.)
I'm sure I may lose some friendships over this post. Honestly, if a person is going to be that fickle....or marry someone who is going to be that fickle...or support someone that fickle...I don't want them in my life. I don't need negative energy right now....I get enough of that from my "thesis-baby".
So, to the girl whom I think is going to make my friend miserable for the rest of his life - I understand if you may have hard feelings over this, but if you're going to act like a spoiled child, be fickle, and refuse to make amends on what should be "the happiest day of your life", I still want to wish you the best...just from afar.
I also feel that we each need our own support system. I could be blowing this whole situation out of proportion, but I don't think that we should be selective on the support we receive from others, and who we receive it from. I think the most meaningful means of support can be the ones that we least expect.
To provide some background, I have a friend getting married this summer. I think he's a great guy; I've always thought he's a great guy. The girl he's marrying - on the other hand - I don't think very highly of, simply because from what I've seen she's manipulative, needy, and just not a very nice person. I honestly think my friend could do better.
I was invited to their wedding, and permitted to bring a guest. I decided to bring along one of our mutual friends, who was not invited. I'm not sure why he wasn't invited; honestly it's not my business to know. I do know that he feels the same way about this wedding as I do, but because we love our friend, we want to be there to support him, no matter what decision he makes. That's what friends do - we support one another - no matter what bonehead decisions we make.
On the RSVP, I was asked to provide the name of the guest I will be bringing - likely for table seating...I thought this was no big deal. I provided our mutual friends' name. This morning I received an e-mail asking that I do not bring him along as my guest. I was quite taken aback. I think it takes quite a bit of nerve to tell me who I should be bringing along as my date. Going to weddings alone is hard enough, even harder when you're not "allowed" to bring along someone who not only wants to support your mutual friend, but can also provide a little bit of support to you.
I don't want to start rumors....but what if we were dating? (For the record, we're not, but I honestly wouldn't oppose it....he's a good catch as far as I'm concerned.) What if he's been my support system for the past few months when I was going through a tough time? (Which he has been...but I don't think he realizes it.) What if he simply wanted to support his friend in the same way that I want to support him? (Which he does.)
My initial reaction was, "Well, if my date isn't 'allowed' to go, then I won't be going either." If you're going to be selective on the support you receive, then you really don't need mine after all. I may have been quite angry at 3 AM when I composed this e-mail, but my beliefs still stand: (I'm also including the thread - simply for context...names and such deleted.)
So, to the girl whom I think is going to make my friend miserable for the rest of his life - I understand if you may have hard feelings over this, but if you're going to act like a spoiled child, be fickle, and refuse to make amends on what should be "the happiest day of your life", I still want to wish you the best...just from afar.
Friday, April 20, 2012
Don't stop kicking a galloping horse
Once again, I guess it's been a while. I guess come summer I'll have to make time every Friday or something. We'll see.
A lot has happened in the last month, but I think even more has happened in the last week.
I'm going to Spain next week for the Osteoarthritis Research Society International Congress (OARSI) in BARCELONA!!! I wasn't planning on going, but Auntie Brenna and Uncle Keith came to the rescue and gave me their Aeroplan miles. I booked a first-class flight and decided to take a chance. I'm crazy-stoked, mostly because I get to meet a lot of the other experts whose work I cite....a lot. I was a little intimidated...ok, a lot intimidated...knowing that I would be picking brains and in sessions with people who are at the top of the field. To think....I'm at the top of the field right along with them. It was pretty overwhelming, until Supervisor came to the rescue and forwarded me some e-mails from some of his expert colleagues, and told them to look out for me....then to answer their questions about his work on his behalf. The cool thing is, the questions were in the e-mails, and I know the answers. It was a well-needed confidence boost.
This all happened after a little meltdown in a meeting with my supervisor. Turns out, I was exhausted and needed a break, but it took a meltdown to figure that out. Meltdown followed by coffee with Supervisor and Dr. D. I think it was exactly what I needed, to gain a little bit of perspective. I came out with some advice too:
"There's no problem too big that can't be worked out with a little bit of Bailey's. Coffee?"
"It's your life, it's research; but it's also your work. Don't become a work-aholic."
"Don't stop kicking a galloping horse."
"You're not driving fast enough until you lose control."
Either way, it all resonated and I think I'm going to hang onto them for a little bit.
I guess stuff kind of feels out of control from time to time. That's normal. It's just a matter of how you deal with it. My new strategy....sleep.
A lot has happened in the last month, but I think even more has happened in the last week.
I'm going to Spain next week for the Osteoarthritis Research Society International Congress (OARSI) in BARCELONA!!! I wasn't planning on going, but Auntie Brenna and Uncle Keith came to the rescue and gave me their Aeroplan miles. I booked a first-class flight and decided to take a chance. I'm crazy-stoked, mostly because I get to meet a lot of the other experts whose work I cite....a lot. I was a little intimidated...ok, a lot intimidated...knowing that I would be picking brains and in sessions with people who are at the top of the field. To think....I'm at the top of the field right along with them. It was pretty overwhelming, until Supervisor came to the rescue and forwarded me some e-mails from some of his expert colleagues, and told them to look out for me....then to answer their questions about his work on his behalf. The cool thing is, the questions were in the e-mails, and I know the answers. It was a well-needed confidence boost.
This all happened after a little meltdown in a meeting with my supervisor. Turns out, I was exhausted and needed a break, but it took a meltdown to figure that out. Meltdown followed by coffee with Supervisor and Dr. D. I think it was exactly what I needed, to gain a little bit of perspective. I came out with some advice too:
"There's no problem too big that can't be worked out with a little bit of Bailey's. Coffee?"
"It's your life, it's research; but it's also your work. Don't become a work-aholic."
"Don't stop kicking a galloping horse."
"You're not driving fast enough until you lose control."
Either way, it all resonated and I think I'm going to hang onto them for a little bit.
I guess stuff kind of feels out of control from time to time. That's normal. It's just a matter of how you deal with it. My new strategy....sleep.
Thursday, March 29, 2012
To teach or not to teach....I guess, it's a question now.
If the lack of blogging is proportional to the amount of shit I have to rant about, then this term must have gone by pretty smoothly. I hardly made any entries. I guess that means stuff is moving along as expected....or I just ran out of time to sit and express my feelings....or there were no feelings to express. Who knows really?
Maybe I've just been able to control the stagecoach, get all the ponies in line and have them stop before they went over the cliff. Maybe I've just decided to pick my battles and care less. I dunno.
I do know that I'm starting to re-evaluate this whole idea of university-level teaching. Although I'm a straight shooter, I don't put up with crap, show students the need to think for themselves and get a lot of compliments on my teaching style, I don't think I can put up with the whole atmosphere of teaching.
Don't get me wrong, I love the actual part of teaching, getting up in front of the class, putting on a one-woman-show, showing students how to explore and learn and watching them go through the ah-ha! moment. I think those little light bulb moments are some of the most gratifying things to experience. I love it when students come to me for advice, or help, or whatever. It shows me that they trust me enough to put their lives in my hands. That's a pretty awesome feeling. I'm starting to doubt if I want to be a Prof. for the rest of my life though. Gotta say "Professor Burnett" has a certain ring to it, but I'm not sure if I want to put up with all the "other bullshit" that goes with teaching...like marking, feeling like a robot, feeling drained, whiny students, students fishing for marks, students second-guessing your evaluations...and all the crap that comes with the position. I don't think the light bulb moments and the trust is enough.
I've always learned to take the bad with the good, and to understand that not everything is perfect (except bone :P) and there will always be negatives. But with teaching, I'm starting to feel that the negatives are starting to outweigh the positives. My research is starting to suffer. I'm not behind, but I'm not able to perform at my peak. I don't feel like I've progressed in the last 3 months, mostly because I've been distracted by teaching...and stats, but that's another dragon I'm working on slaying.
I want to stay at a University. I love the atmosphere and the challenges. I love trying something new, maybe failing, maybe falling flat on your face, but most of the time discovering. I love that I'm appreciated in my research group. I'm vital to the success of some of the projects that I'm working on, simply because my knowledge is so specialized...even if I don't totally understand what's going on. I don't think I've had a job where I've felt so appreciated and so essential. I feel valued.
If there were a way to get around the teaching, that would be great. I'm sure a lot of other professors and faculty members would agree with me.
Maybe I've just been able to control the stagecoach, get all the ponies in line and have them stop before they went over the cliff. Maybe I've just decided to pick my battles and care less. I dunno.
I do know that I'm starting to re-evaluate this whole idea of university-level teaching. Although I'm a straight shooter, I don't put up with crap, show students the need to think for themselves and get a lot of compliments on my teaching style, I don't think I can put up with the whole atmosphere of teaching.
Don't get me wrong, I love the actual part of teaching, getting up in front of the class, putting on a one-woman-show, showing students how to explore and learn and watching them go through the ah-ha! moment. I think those little light bulb moments are some of the most gratifying things to experience. I love it when students come to me for advice, or help, or whatever. It shows me that they trust me enough to put their lives in my hands. That's a pretty awesome feeling. I'm starting to doubt if I want to be a Prof. for the rest of my life though. Gotta say "Professor Burnett" has a certain ring to it, but I'm not sure if I want to put up with all the "other bullshit" that goes with teaching...like marking, feeling like a robot, feeling drained, whiny students, students fishing for marks, students second-guessing your evaluations...and all the crap that comes with the position. I don't think the light bulb moments and the trust is enough.
I've always learned to take the bad with the good, and to understand that not everything is perfect (except bone :P) and there will always be negatives. But with teaching, I'm starting to feel that the negatives are starting to outweigh the positives. My research is starting to suffer. I'm not behind, but I'm not able to perform at my peak. I don't feel like I've progressed in the last 3 months, mostly because I've been distracted by teaching...and stats, but that's another dragon I'm working on slaying.
I want to stay at a University. I love the atmosphere and the challenges. I love trying something new, maybe failing, maybe falling flat on your face, but most of the time discovering. I love that I'm appreciated in my research group. I'm vital to the success of some of the projects that I'm working on, simply because my knowledge is so specialized...even if I don't totally understand what's going on. I don't think I've had a job where I've felt so appreciated and so essential. I feel valued.
If there were a way to get around the teaching, that would be great. I'm sure a lot of other professors and faculty members would agree with me.
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Holy, ignore blogging much Batman!?
Hmmm....I think a "once a month" update is trending here.
At least it's been a busy month. Teaching, puppies, writing about research (or consequently not writing about research), not running, more teaching, marking...and LOTS of meetings.
I had the first "formal" meeting of the term with my supervisor last week, and somehow I had to explain that I had no idea where the last 6 weeks went, and I'm no where near where I want to be. He felt the same about where his last 2 months went as well, so we just shook it off and kept on going. It helps that he's so laid back and lets me "fight out the issues" so I can catch my own footing. I feel like I'm actually learning and accomplishing shit that way.
My side project in Vet Med is going really too. The surgeon I'm working with is putting A LOT of faith and trust in me, mostly because we're working on pretty much a pure materials engineering problem and he has no idea how to interpret the data or make sense of how to set up the experiment. He just wanted to get one paper out of the project, the way we're going, we should be able to get 2 or 3....which would be really cool. It turns out I designed an entire failure analysis, just like I used to do in industry, but because it has yet to be performed on this particular limb, in this particular layout.....I can publish a pretty awesome paper....as first author. Shit, if I can come up with this stuff in after an evening of thought I should maybe consider staying the the Vet Med world and the "token engineer' on an ortho research team.
Speaking of "token engineer", I was a little worried about my Ph.D. - where I would end up, how I'd get funding etc, etc. I'm smart, but not brilliant, so my chances for prestigious scholarships are slim to nil, and if you can bring in your own funding to a Ph.D. program, you can pretty much do whatever you please. Bottom-line, I thought I was going to have to start looking at other research teams and other schools to do the Ph.D. to be eligible for scholarships. Turns out that engineers are hard to come by in surgical and orthopedic research areas and I have some Profs. in Kinesiology "calling dibs" over my expertise, as well as an invitation to continue to work with the Large Animal Surgery team as the "token engineer". I'm really hoping that one of the opportunities will lead to something full-time, but only time will tell I guess. Bottom-line....Opportunities APLENTY! Just keep swimming.
At least it's been a busy month. Teaching, puppies, writing about research (or consequently not writing about research), not running, more teaching, marking...and LOTS of meetings.
I had the first "formal" meeting of the term with my supervisor last week, and somehow I had to explain that I had no idea where the last 6 weeks went, and I'm no where near where I want to be. He felt the same about where his last 2 months went as well, so we just shook it off and kept on going. It helps that he's so laid back and lets me "fight out the issues" so I can catch my own footing. I feel like I'm actually learning and accomplishing shit that way.
My side project in Vet Med is going really too. The surgeon I'm working with is putting A LOT of faith and trust in me, mostly because we're working on pretty much a pure materials engineering problem and he has no idea how to interpret the data or make sense of how to set up the experiment. He just wanted to get one paper out of the project, the way we're going, we should be able to get 2 or 3....which would be really cool. It turns out I designed an entire failure analysis, just like I used to do in industry, but because it has yet to be performed on this particular limb, in this particular layout.....I can publish a pretty awesome paper....as first author. Shit, if I can come up with this stuff in after an evening of thought I should maybe consider staying the the Vet Med world and the "token engineer' on an ortho research team.
Speaking of "token engineer", I was a little worried about my Ph.D. - where I would end up, how I'd get funding etc, etc. I'm smart, but not brilliant, so my chances for prestigious scholarships are slim to nil, and if you can bring in your own funding to a Ph.D. program, you can pretty much do whatever you please. Bottom-line, I thought I was going to have to start looking at other research teams and other schools to do the Ph.D. to be eligible for scholarships. Turns out that engineers are hard to come by in surgical and orthopedic research areas and I have some Profs. in Kinesiology "calling dibs" over my expertise, as well as an invitation to continue to work with the Large Animal Surgery team as the "token engineer". I'm really hoping that one of the opportunities will lead to something full-time, but only time will tell I guess. Bottom-line....Opportunities APLENTY! Just keep swimming.
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