A lot happens in a month

Wow.  It's been about a month since I last checked in.  On some fronts, a lot has changed...on others, not so much.

Research-wise, not so much has changed.  Still plugging away, staying ahead of the snowball....mostly writing or trying to write.  I'm hoping to have my first manuscript finished by the end of this coming week, so that's looking up.  My supervisor isn't too sure if he has the funds to keep me around for a Ph.D., so that's back to being up in the air.  I'm still on the lookout for scholarships and such, but it would be more helpful if I actually knew about which ones are open for application.  (I could go on a rant about how poor our administrative assistant is, but I think I've hit that base already...so I won't.) He wants to keep me around, that's for sure, but he's not sure if he can.....so the hunt for money/other options/jobs/etc is on.  I've come to the realization today that if I have to go out and get a temporary "real job" between the degrees, that won't be such a bad thing, but just another issue to worry about.  I've also started seriously looking into other locations.  Maybe U of C, maybe Colorado State, maybe Guelph, maybe U of Kentucky.....my only requirement is that they have a Biomedical Engineering program and a Vet College.  I'm sure I can mesh the ideas after that. 
On the plus side, one of my abstracts was accepted for a podium presentation at a national meeting....so that's really cool.  Another was accepted for a poster presentation in Spain....but I don't think I'll be going, because I can't afford it, and our research group doesn't have the money to fund me to go. 

Teaching-wise, my class still thinks I'm a hard-ass, but I think they're all cool with it; or at least they realize that I'm hard on them because I'm trying to help them out.  They don't like to talk and sometimes class is painful and boring, but I honestly don't care.  They have to meet me halfway, and hopefully they'll realize that class will be more fun if they pipe up.  Only 6 weeks and a final exam left....I guess. 

Home life-wise thing have really changed.  I adopted a puppy last weekend.  I'm now a part of a two-dog household.  Dogs now outnumber humans in this place.  I guess you could say I've gone to the dogs. (OK, I'll stop there....)  
He's a black pug from the SPCA.  I call him Zorro....sometimes Zero....he's pretty "special", but fits right in.  Chaos doesn't mind him too much.  They play a lot, so that's a good thing.  I wasn't planning on bringing in another puppy, but I saw the adoption ad and got "that feeling".....the same feeling that I got when I saw the ad for Chaos, when I wasn't even planning on getting a dog.  I went to the SPCA last Friday, asked a few questions and it all checked out, so I filled out an adoption form, arranged for a meet and greet with Chaos....and the rest is history.  I guess they were really rooting that I'd take him home.  Seems like his "foster parents" were really picky too, so I'm glad I made the cut.  He fits in, enjoys cuddles, plays tug and tease with Chaos and is just generally happy to be in a good home I think.  My bed is pretty crowded, but I really don't mind.

Personal life-wise nothing has changed.  At all.  The feelings about the friend who traveled to New Zealand were all in my head apparently and I'm still single.  Still alone.  Still waiting.  Tonight I had a good cry in the bathtub about it all....one of those times where you just sit there and cry, and you wait, wanting someone to come in, wrap you in a towel, pick you up and hug it all out.....but you keep crying because you know it won't happen....because you're all alone.  So it's a vicious cycle because you just never get picked up in a towel, you never get to hug it out.....and you keep crying because of it.  I think I was sitting in the tub for about 35 mins before I finally decided that I should move the pity party to my bedroom.....with my dogs. 

I'm seriously starting to wonder if I'll ever find someone, or if it'll just be me, Chaos, Zorro and my research (which is starting to fall apart) for the rest of my pathetic life.  Sometimes there's a hole in your soul that an infinite number of puppies and amazing discoveries just can't fill. 

Learning as I go...

Today I learned a valuable lesson, or at least I'm in the process of learning a valuable lesson. 

The lesson: 
It's ok to have very high standards; just don't beat yourself up over it if you don't meet them. 
Also, it's ok to challenge your students with those same high standards; just make sure that they understand that you're going to help them rise to the occasion after you've knocked them down a little. 

How this all came about is a little interesting. 

I was really off my teaching game today.  I was so worried about the shear volume of stuff that we needed to cover today that I forgot that sometimes I need to be a little less blunt and a little more diplomatic. 

My students have their first assignment due on Friday, and I was scrambling to try and get through as much material as I could so they had all the tools they need.  We didn't quite get through it all, but that's not the point.  I have to deal with that problem in Thursday's class.  Today's problem, or at least I think so, came about when I was laying out the ground rules and my expectations.  I figure that it's only fair that that everyone knows the rules before they play the game, mostly so the students know where I stand, what is expected and how they can get there.  I believe that being straightforward is the most effective way to get those expectations across.  I was maybe too straightforward today.  Might have even come across as a crusty bitch....I'm not too sure.  Bottom line, I was too distracted with the list of stuff we needed to plow through, that I forgot what it was like to sit in the "student chair". 

I explained to them where their grades were likely to land, unless they are able to take the material and go above and beyond.  I explained that if they want an exceptional grade, they need to go beyond the notes that I give them and really do some thoughtful application.  I challenged them to challenge my expectations and rock my foundation.  I hope they understand where I'm coming from. 

I explained the situation to my buddy tonight, who has way more life experience than me, and he came up with these words: (or something very similar)
"Dena, you have very high standards; and you know what you're capable of.  You probably didn't do as poorly as you think, but because you have such high expectations, when you fall short, you're the first to pick it out, and probably too hard on yourself." 

He's right.  I do have high standards, very high standards.  I don't settle for mediocrity.  I shouldn't have to settle for mediocrity.  I've always been a very high achiever, and I've worked hard to get where I'm at.  Why stop and settle now?

I feel like I should apologize to my class. 
We came to a different conclusion....which I think is much, much better.  Miles better. 

I'm not going to apologize for high standards.  I'm not going to apologize for being a straight shooter, and I'm not going to apologize for laying it all out.  That's who I am.  I don't put up with bullshit. 
My standards are very high because I place a lot of value on the ideas, concepts, conventions and philosophies that I teach and practice and they will not be compromised.  Somehow, I'm going to have to explain to my students that I set such high standards because I feel that the skills they're going to gain and apply in my class will be incredibly valuable, not just now but for their entire lives.  I won't set an expectation that is out of their reach, and I want to challenge my students to meet my high expectations.  I may knock them down, but I will also help pick them up and get where they need to go.  They just have to meet me halfway. 

I think I'm still partially jaded from the group of students I had in my delinquent class last year.  I could also be placing a lot of pressure on students that may not be ready for it too.  I guess I'll find out on Thursday when they do their mini-speeches.  I could just be a neurotic mess too....

I'm sure some of my students will always think that I'm a bitch.  I can't please everyone.  But, I can try and push them to new levels.  They may not like me now, but they'll thank me in the future. 

One week down, 12 more to go....

Yesterday I went for a run.  It would have been awesome except for the other 20 people who decided to use the running track along with me.  Stupid people and their stupid New Year's Resolutions, and their stupid inability to follow simple "running track protocol".  It's kind of like driving a car, slow people keep to the inside, fast people to the outside.  If you're gonna walk, walk on the inside track!  And for God's sake - If you're with a buddy, and INSIST on going side-by-side all the way around, WHEN SOMEONE IS TRYING TO PASS YOU AND IT'S CROWDED, HAVE SOME COURTESY AND MOVE ASIDE!!!!!  
RUNNING TRACK RAGE!!!






Running aside, I've been hardcore working my upper body.  I don't think my triceps have ever been this sore before.  It's a great feeling.  I can flex my peck muscles individually too.  Awesome.

Teaching has been fun so far.  It looks like the majority of the class is small town or farm boys interested in horses or horsepower...like 13/19.  Could be a lot of fun.  I may have to change up my jokes though.  I had all these super-nerdy ones lined up.  I may have to exchange them for the odd redneck joke or something.  I guess time will tell.  Either way, it should be a good time.  I'm really looking forward to it. 

In research news, I've become one of 3 go-to-Engineers for Kinesiologists, and one of 3 go-to-Engineers for Vet Med.  I'm kind of excited.  I'm really hoping that I'll be able to talk my way into a research or engineering position in Vet Med once I've finished my Ph.D.  I'm sure they need someone that knows how to design and modify all kinds of medical tools.  It also helps if that person has a clue.  Luckily, I have both...and I'm wanting to stuck around to do it.  I've started on a project where I get to strain gauge and smash some pony legs, and I think I've made a good impression with the Vet I'm working with.  I just need to ride the wave and stay available I guess. 

It all makes the snowball a little bigger, but it does cure the "Design or Destroy" itch that I'm getting.  Writing is cool and all, and I know it needs to get done, but there comes a point where an Engineer just wants to build something.  I don't know a lot about the project now, but what I do know is that we should have enough for 3 papers in an afternoon's worth of smashy-smashy. 

Tonight's plan is to read some, then write some, then read some more.  Tomorrow, I write some and figure out how I'm gonna run my stats for this section of my project.  I honestly have no idea what I'm doing, but I want to have a solution by the end of the week. 

I guess I should get to work....