The edge of thirty

In light of the punny post title, here's a video (although not her best or most dramatic work, but it's a damn catchy song): 

...and back to our regular scheduled program. 

Tomorrow I turn 30.  I'm not as freaked out as I thought I would be.  I'm right in the middle of trying to complete the first draft of my thesis by September 14 (16 days, but actually only 11 working days because of prior commitments).  I'm more freaked about the thesis than the aging, mostly because I'm only about 70% complete on the writing account, but still have to format and paginate the stupid thing...and that'll likely eat up an easy 2 days. 

Thesis aside, I took the last drive home on the farm to "think about turning 30", mostly because my Grandpa died from cancer at 64.  Although I'm not planning on having that happen to me, we can't plan that sort of stuff and I've hit nearly middle-age....sorta. 

There's a song by Tim McGraw: "My Next 30 Years" (Yeah, it's a slide show, but you can browse the web while you listen...):

I thought a little about the lyrics, and that kind of sums up how I want to spend my next 30, with the experience of the previous 30 behind me. 

I'm not going to read too deeply into the song though (clouded thesis brain). Maybe I'll just enjoy it for the sake of enjoying it, then reflecting when the world slows down again and I've had a feel for 30 for a couple weeks.  Maybe it'll hit me then.  Maybe not. 

Hopefully it's all coasting or downhill from here. 

Reflections on the SoulPancake Challenge

I should probably be working on my thesis instead of blogging.  I think I'm just really, Really, REALLY excited that I've finally reached a stage where I can start to see the light at the end of the tunnel of this hazing ritual...er...degree.  I'm just not really keen of the speed at which I'll be reaching the bright light.  Even if I'm close to half-finished, I only have a little over 3 weeks to pump out the rest.  It's totally do-able if I apply myself, and it's only the 1st draft - so it doesn't need to be perfect.  I just need to resist distractions.  Ay, there's the rub. 

Distraction.  What?  Bring on the SoulPancake Challenge.  Although I wouldn't consider it a true distraction, because honestly any thinking is good thinking, it hasn't prevented me from writing but it's had me thinking about things other than "thesis baby".  I suppose that's a good thing. 

One thing I've noticed about the questions in the challenge is that although they're aimed at encouraging you to "chew on life's big questions", the questions seem to be presented with some sort of bias.  I guess that's part of the concept too, to question the questions.  Maybe??

I'm bringing this up because I've had two questions in a row now (my selection method is a little unorthodox...I flip pages until I "feel" like this is the thing I need to think about today) that seem to introduce things I see positively as having a negative connotation. 

The first (yesterday's question): "Why do we hate?"  with follow-ups: "Does hate affect our physical well-being?" "What's the best way to handle hate?" "What expression of hate has most affected you?".  I have my thoughts written in my kick-ass journal, but to put it in a nutshell, I see two different stems of "hate".  Hate as a mentality and Hate as an emotion. 
After my "chewing", I worked my way into expressing that hate (or loathing) is essential for balance.  Just as you need to love, you need to be indifferent and you need to loathe.  The important part is balancing the three so one does not take over (love included...ever love something soooo much that you've smothered it?). 

Maybe I'm jaded, maybe I'm cynical.  I think the feeling of hate is necessary and sometimes a good thing.  If you "hate" or dislike something, maybe you'll bring about change.  Without hate, there would be no change.  Bottom line, SoulPancake, I'm a little disappointed that you put "hate" in such a negative light.  Embrace the hate!  Change the world!

Today's question: "How can you be confident without being egotistical?".  Coming from someone who has a fairly big ego to satisfy (...might not be a great thing, but at least I recognize that it's a reality), and who works on a regular basis with others with big egos who need similar satisfaction, I see "ego" as a positive thing, as long as it doesn't eat you up. 
From what I'm familiar with, surgeons and clinicians (especially those that do bleeding-edge research (pun intended)) have big egos...and for good reason.  Honestly, I wouldn't want to be under the knife or in the care of someone who wasn't confident in their own abilities, experimental or routine.  Hell, they need to be VERY confident of their abilities.  My life is literally in (or below) their hands. 
In order to do research with these individuals, you need to play with the big kids as far as ego is concerned.  You need to be very confident in your own knowledge and your own abilities....or you'll be eaten alive.  (A lesson I learned the hard way...)
I think the important thing to realize is to not take blows to the ego personally.  That might be how to keep yourself in check.  Be confident in your own ego, because you're the expert; but be willing to learn.  There's a big difference between being confident and being closed-minded.  I think there's where confusion lies and maybe "ego" is taken in such a negative connotation.  Chew on that SoulPancake...

I think I'll mull on this question a little more, while I spend the afternoon writing my thesis (hopefully), and record today's thoughts before I go to bed.  I won't feel so guilty about thinking about this question, because it's directly related to why I'm going through this hazing process of working towards a doctorate. Deep down, I'm sure it's simply to satisfy my ego....

This was long.....I'm sorry.  I'll aim for shorter next time. 

SoulPancake Challenge....sure why not?

So, a friend of mine is taking part in the SoulPancake Challenge.  Well, it's not really like a competition, but more like a self-imposed activity to sit down and "chew on life's big questions"...as it's stated on the soulpancake.com anyways.  You challenge yourself I guess....and maybe bring others into the discussion too. 

I've been following her vlogs and some of them are pretty sweet, some get me thinking, some need to be expressed and some are just fun.  Simply fun. 

Seeing how much fun my friend's been having, and seeing some of the questions that she's chosen to answer, I've decided to put myself through the "challenge" too. 

The neato thing about this, is that I can choose to do it any way I want.  Oh yeah...there's a book to go along with it too...and honestly who doesn't want more books.  But yeah, I bought the book (and yes the artwork in it is pretty cool too) and decided to answer a question a day until I work my way through all the questions....then I'll start over again maybe.  We'll see.  The awesome thing is that there are no rules.  It's just a medium to get you thinking about what it's like to be a "spirit having a human experience"....or something like that. 

I still haven't decided what my creative medium will be.  There's videos out there, I could also write out my ideas...but they tend to ramble. I think I express and understand myself best through diagrams and sketches....so that might be good to start and then I'll see where it takes me.  I started to put my sketches in a journal I bought in Seattle that I've been waiting for "something good" to put in.  I realized that right now, I have almost 30 years of experience behind me....what better "stuff" to put in that journal than reflecting pretty deeply over the last 30 years....and I guess the next 30 years to come too.  Honestly, it's such a sweet journal (leather cover, hand bound, smells like saddle oil, parchment paper, wrap cover....it's the kind of journal that when someone says "journal", this is exactly what you picture...really) that I don't want it to go to waste, and it's been sitting on my shelf for a bout a year without a single entry.  Last night that changed. 

I'm still mulling about last night's question "How do you determine truth?".  I've thought about it a bit, and have made some sketches, diagrams, plot, charts, etc.; but I don't think I'll have fully answered that question (at least fully-answered to satisfy my academically-minded self).  I may come back to it next week and see what changes. 

Today's question is "What is the purpose of art?".  I have a few ideas...I'll put pen to paper tonight. 

I think the only thing that will stay consistent in this challenge will be that I'll limit myself to one question a day.  Too many questions and I'll bog myself down so much that I won't actually get any work-related thinking done....I think.  (Oh yeah, and "work" is actually going really well for a change....more on that in another post....maybe later today.) I've also decided that I'll give myself the question first thing in the morning and file it in my "Mulling Over" compartment in my brain and come back to it before bed.  See how that goes. 

I'm excited. 

Lost in the Potter-verse

I came across this poem again....yay StumbleUpon - "Date a Girl Who Reads".  I truly am "that girl"...

Right now, I'm starting to think that it embodies my "lost penguin"....the one I'm looking for that will sing my song back to me.  I want to get lost....and I want someone who will be willing to let me get lost, then come along for the ride. "Own bookshelf that's actually full of books" has always been on my "Must-have" list of guys I'd be willing to date. 
My friend Timmy put it best once, "When you go home with a guy and you have a chance to look around his house, make sure you can find a bookshelf.  And make sure it's full of books, and not just texts.  If you can't find one, or his only book happens to be in the bathroom...Get. Out. Fast." 


Good. Sound. Advice.  Easy to understand; hard to follow. 


I just finished reading Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.  I'm so totally and completely stuck in the Potter-verse.  So much so that I want to blast through the remaining 3 novels (I received the entire set as a Christmas present once upon a time) instead of sticking to my "reading plan" where I read 2 non-fiction books I've purchased between works of fiction; partly to keep myself balanced, but mostly simply so that I can blast through the pile of 60-odd books that I've accumulated  over the past 3 years in the same order (or close to) that I purchased them.  (Note I also record the purchase date in the front cover of the books I buy....sadly my next read was purchased in August 2010.  I have some serious catching up to do). 

Right now, I'm that girl lost in her book in this poem.  I'm completely lost in a made-up universe....and I don't really care.  I'm pretty sure the reason I'm lost somewhere else is because, in all honesty, the world I'm in just kinda sucks.  It's pretty boring.  I would much rather be playing my position as a Beater in a Quidditch game, zooming by on my Nimbus 2000.  I want to be learning how to brew potions to help me to transform into someone or something else...so I can figure out why things just seem a little "off".  I guess I've found my escape.  I want to stay there for a little bit.  There's cookies....and Butterbeer. 


I'm also in the middle of re-decorating my new place, or at least tossing around ideas to re-decorate my new place to my own liking.  I bought some really sweet-ass antique furniture, but it's every shade of sea-foam green....kind of matches the puke lavender and peach walls in my living room.  It's all so ugly that it works unusually well together.

 For now I'll leave the living room alone; I really want to tackle my bedroom.  The walls are yellow.  That's gotta go.  There's holes in the walls.  They've gotta be patched.  There's shelves to put up and move around....and I have just enough room to make my own little "Reading Escape Corner"....like the little grove upstairs at McNally Robinson....with the bench and the trees and the astroturf.  (I couldn't find an image, but trust me....if you saw it, you'd love it and want one.)  I have enough space to make my own cozy little corner, with a comfy chair, some shelves, mood lighting, pillows and a hot cup of coffee.  Only thing is...now that I have the space, I haven't quite made up my mind what I want to put there.  As far as I'm concerned, a pile of pillows or a GIANT BEANBAG CHAIR would be more than fine.  I think I'll paint the walls first and move around my existing stuff before I make a decision.  I'm sure the right piece of furniture will speak to me....for the right price too. 


I'm just really stoked that I'll have a corner that I can escape to when the world gets a little tough.  I can open a book and get swept away, in my own imagination.  By the time it's finished, I may even be able to escape into the Potter-verse again. 

Quick update....I guess

A lot has happened in the last month. 

Wyatt got married.  Yay!

I moved into my new place.  Yay!

I haven't done a lot of thesis writing.  Boo!

Other than that, I really don't have a lot to write about.  Been reading a lot lately.  I'm finding it really easy to get lost in a book.  I guess it's an acceptable active procrastination tool; I kind of feel like I'm accomplishing something, even if Harry Potter has absolutely nothing to do with my thesis. 

I'm ready for fall though.  I've been trying to keep some sort of routine.  It's tough.  Fall will kick me into a routine I guess. 

I'm also ready for fall because my thesis will have to be written by the end of September and I can start doing some of the grunt work for my Ph.D. project.  I was able to jump into/start up a project where I already had access to all the data, software and knowledge I need, which is kind of cool.  It should help me out in the long-run. 

I spent yesterday at the Fringe with the 'fur babies'.  I think I'll do the same later this afternoon.  They're really good at attracting small children, old ladies and squealy Asian girls.  Not so good at attracting the single smart guys, but whatever. 

Decisions...I guess...

No one's really a fan of making big decisions.  In the past month I've managed to make my way through a few of them, but the decision I need to make before the end of this summer is going to be a real big one. 

I bought a house 2 weeks ago. That was a big decision, but it was honestly a reasonably easy one to make.  I could put in an offer, or I couldn't.  A or B.  50/50 shot.  I ended up putting in an offer because I was at the point where I realized that I really didn't have a whole lot of options to pick from.  There were very few houses that fit the criteria my parents and I could agree on, and 2 of the houses we wanted to look at were sold before I could go and investigate.  I knew that if I didn't put an offer in on this guy, it would be sold out from under me.  So, long story short, I bought a house and I get possession July 16, with the move and clean-out complete by July 29.  I'm kind of stoked. 

The decision I have to make now isn't as cut and dry as the "buying a house" decision was.  I need to pick a Ph.D. direction that fits within the scope of our research group, and that I think I can tackle in 3 years time.  Some of my friends and family think, "Well, you can pretty much do whatever you want!"...as if it's a great thing.  I think knowing that I could do "whatever I want" is part of the problem.  I'm the type that needs limitations and boundaries in order to make a decision, because otherwise I'll make the "wrong" choice and end up paying for it for a long time.  I guess I have some limits, like it needs to fit within the scope of our research group and I need to be able to finish in 3 years, but other than that...I feel like I'm swimming without a lifeguard on duty. 

I'm wondering if the past couple of months has something to do with an article that I found a week or so ago.   It's about "bright girls" and perhaps being constantly told so may have put us at risk for low self-esteem and low achievement later in life.  I might be hitting that "later in life" stage.  The gist of the article explains that high-performing girls, who are always being told "Good work" at a young age start to conceive the concept of "brightness" or "cleverness" as a skill that can't be improved upon.  To put it bluntly, they start to believe that either you know the answer, or you don't, and that abilities and skills, like learning, don't really change over time.  Bottom-line, girls who are consistently told that they're "smart" at a young age are more likely to quit when the going gets tough.  That's kind of how I feel right now.  I figure I might as well quit, go back into industry, start making "real money" and stop hitting the "snooze button on life".  Thing is, I really enjoy my research, but I still have absolutely no idea what I want to do when I'm finished.  I know I don't really want to teach...and that's about it. 

This article lead me to another question...or at least another brainwave: I think this view of "learning as an unchanging skill" could be why I beat myself up for not knowing all the answers and why I get down on myself up when I don't understand something.  I've usually been able to figure out answers to problems pretty quickly; and once I hit a problem that I can't figure out right away I get really frustrated, start crying, feeling like a failure and beat myself up for not knowing the answer because I've always been told "Good work" or "You're so smart".  I get this little monologue in my head, "Well, if I'm so god-damned smart, why in the fuck can't I figure this shit out!?"....and because I'm so stupidly stubborn, I can't break myself down to throwing in the towel like the girls in this study.  I could be my own worst enemy....likely at the expense of, or caused by, those who've supported me my whole life. 

This is starting to sound like the kind of stuff I should be telling a shrink.  Anyone know any good shrinks in the Saskatoon area?  The kind that will listen to self-destructive grad students? 

On a side note, we had a research group meeting today about designing some medical equipment to be sent into space...which is pretty wicked-awesome, and I'm starting to re-consider my previously self-crushed dreams about becoming an astronaut. Up until grade 6, I thought about being either an astronaut or a vet "when I grow up", then in 1994, I met Julie Payette and was really intimidated about the amount of school that she went through before she applied to join the Canadian Space Agency; that was the point where I realized that it was a lot of school and I'd "settle" to be a scientist, a vet, or an engineer (I gave up on the "vet dream" in fall 2000, after I flunked my first exam....ever).  I'm having a look at her bio right now, and, well.....looking at her accomplishments pre-1992 (the year she was accepted to CSA)....I'm at the same stage in my education as she was, and have accomplished just as much....maybe even a little more.  I'm already up one post-secondary degree with my BSA and my BE, and will be on par with my MSc.  I have similar industry experience.  I have received similar scholarships.  Maybe I'll throw "Astronaut" back on my list of potential jobs when I'm finished my PhD.  Nothing against Julie Payette...she's one of the most amazing and down-to-earth women I've met...but it's nice to see that you're just as accomplished as your role models were at the same stage in their life. 

Yes, you can protest....but have you thought about the "other guys"?

I love my fresh, handmade cosmetics.  I do A LOT of shopping at Lush Cosmetics at Midtown in Saskatoon.  I also have a tendency to find a Lush in whatever city I land in.  I found them here:

• across from Macy's in NYC, 
• down the street from Pike Place Market in Seattle, 
• in Vieux Quebec (totally by fluke, but I still found it), 
• in Barcelona around the corner from my hostel, 
• and the easy one at Pearson Airport in Toronto. 

I love the smells and the textures of their lotions; I love their solid shampoos, conditioners, deodorants, toothy tabs and body butters- a breeze to travel with and they last so much longer than drugstore brands.  (I had a bar of solid shampoo that lasted 12 weeks once.)  I also love that the products they sell in North America are made in Vancouver.

I love that they use what they consider "free trade", "organic", "ethically sourced" ingredients...I guess we all have a little "hippy" in us.  I also love that they have a body lotion -  Charity Pot - where a portion of the sale of the product gets donated to the cause on the lid.  For a period last year, it went to help families in Japan after the tsunami.  Another of their recent causes was to help women in Columbia start their own businesses.  I guess I'm partially biased to the causes that have a human side to them, as opposed to some of the other causes they choose to support.   Right now, I don't think I'll be buying any Charity Pot though.....because of it's most recent cause.


Last month's cause was to stop testing cosmetics on animals.  Now, I'm all for the prevention of animal cruelty, but I believe that there is a place and a purpose for all animal testing.  I understand where the people at Lush are coming from, but I don't think they understand the WHOLE story.  Let me explain:

As a medical/veterinary researcher, I read a lot of journals...peer-reviewed SCIENCE...where certain tests have been performed on one species (mostly specially bred lab mice) because it's simply UNETHICAL, UNSAFE, UNREALISTIC and most of all IMPOSSIBLE to safely perform these tests on human, with full following of the unbiased scientific process.

Let me give you an example: 
For some tests, mice are induced with rapidly advancing simulations of degenerative diseases...like say osteoarthritis...then their progress and outcomes are measured so we can gain a greater understanding of the disease in general; primarily to improve patient care and early diagnosis.  I don't think ANY ethical board will allow ANY group of researchers to induce a completely healthy population (because we need a suitable and reliable baseline) with a degenerative disease, when we don't even have an idea on how their bodies will react.  Also, for humane reasons - because who would honestly want to live their life with a rapidly advancing degenerative disease (I'm all for SCIENCE, but I wouldn't wish that shit on anyone) - after the experiment, the animals are euthanized.  I don't think we could get away with euthanizing 50 to 100 humans, who were healthy 3 weeks ago, after our investigation was complete.
Hell, name one sane person who would sign up for that shit!  I honestly don't even think we could use prisoners on "death row" for this, for a few reasons - they're largely male (so we're no longer dealing with a representative sample), they may not have the best track record for drug use (we need a healthy baseline and crack-heads just won't do) and again the whole aspect of patient care (we have a hard enough time caring for our prisoners as it is, let alone if they're full of untreatable diseases). 

Anyways, for the past 2 months, Lush was collecting signatures on a "petition" to stop cosmetic-related animal testing.  They were writing names all over the windows, so I have a hard time accepting this as a legal petition, but if it makes you feel good about yourself.....
Last time I stopped in, I was approached by the clerk at the door, with the marker, asking if I wanted to sign my name.  I said, as politely as I could, "Actually, I can't.  If I sign this, I'm in conflict of interest of my research, and my job.  I'm really sorry."  I think I pretty much drove over the clerk's cat.  She was pretty crushed.
I went on to explain that I understand that this is specifically petitioning against cosmetically-related animal testing, but cosmetics companies follow the same set of ethical guidelines/laws/procedures as direct medical research, and if I sign this glass window with your little white marker, I'm essentially signing away the future of my job.
I then went on to ask why Lush no longer sells their "Suncare Line" - they used to have 2 or 3 types of sunscreens....they were pretty amazing.  She didn't even know that they sold sunscreen once upon a time.  I had to explain that once upon a time, Lush sold sunscreens, but had to kill the line because in order to declare a product safe to use as a "sunscreen" or "sunblock" with an SPF, FDA requires that the product is extensively tested on animals to make sure that it actually does what it is supposed to do.....prevent skin cancer.  I told her that because of the claim, and significant but moderately related evidence, that excessive sun can cause skin to change and may result in skin cancer, Lush can't sell cosmetics and claim that they have an SPF rating, unless it's been proven so.  It's a safety issue.

(Disclaimer: I'm all for the use of a minimum of SPF 30, as a preventative measure.  Because I'm a scientist, I can't make causal claims, but I do believe that sunscreen can prevent skin cancer....so lather up kids.)

Again, when I told her that, I'm pretty sure I crushed her second cat with my car.  I crushed her cat for another 10 minutes, explaining that in order to improve quality of life, we will ultimately need to perform medical-related tests on animals.  There's a fine line between "cosmetic" and "medical".  In my eyes, they're one and the same.  I didn't want to sign my job away.

Their current campaign is to stop the development of a pipeline running from the Alberta Tar Sands to the British Columbia Coast.  Once again, something I'm not entirely for.  I have quite a few reasons, but I want to make sure I get my facts straight before I walk into the store and start debating with the staff.