This post stems from a recent conversation I had with one of my students (turned coffee buddy) earlier this week.
She was "studying" down the hall from my office (I use the term studying loosely because although there were open books, there was a lot of laughter...I'm assuming they were "on a break") and I had a few moments, so in typical Dena-fashion I stopped to have a quick chat.
She asked how I was doing and I gave out an exhaustive sigh and replied, "I'm a little stressed and I kind of want to kill myself, but otherwise it's all good." She then went on to express about midterms and stress and stuff....we laughed. She then asked when I was planning on finishing up.
I replied with, "Maybe 3 more years, but likely 4 or 5."
"But, you just said that you want to kill yourself. You're signing up for more?"
"Well, yeah. I guess there's a few reasons. I don't want to give up my project to any idiot who decides to get a graduate degree. I'm too invested in it and I love it too much to just pass it off. Also, I willingly haven't taken a sick day in 2 years."
"But don't you miss those? I mean, they're kind of there to help you out."
"Yeah, but at then end of my stint in industry, I was looking for pretty much any excuse to stay home sick. As stressed out as I am, I still work when I'm sick; I just love what I do so much."
We chatted for a bit more about other stuff...like Profs., and shoes, and committees, and assignments; I left the conversation feeling pretty self-validated as to why I decide to put myself through this "torture" every day.
I haven't taken a legit "sick day" in 2 years. I could not go to work, jump on a plane and take a holiday for a whole month and no one would really notice. For some reason I still decide to do write or do research on days where I could (and probably should) call in sick. During my last few months in industry, I was looking for every little excuse that would get me out of driving into the office for a day or two. I think my health is currently worse (remember that stint of pneumonia in September, well I'm still in and out of sore throats and coughing bouts since then), but I'm so driven to do what I need to do that I don't even notice that perhaps some days I shouldn't even be working because I'm not thinking clearly. Those days show up in editing, trust me.
Here's where perspective comes in. I'm way more stressed and busy than I was 2 years ago, but I'm a sadist who enjoys it...maybe. Either way, I'm not finding excuses to avoid working. This is kind of huge....because I'm innately lazy some days.
I guess that's a sign that you're exactly where you need to be at whatever point in life you're at--when you enjoy what you're doing and not looking for excuses to avoid work. It's slowly starting to make sense.
Saturday, November 10, 2012
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Science talks??
I didn't forget about blogging, time is just a hot commodity these days.
I still have a few too many things on the go, but somehow manage to balance them all:
Over the last couple of weeks, I found a really neat little website with some really neat ideas. It's TED related, and it's one of my many quick shots of "intelligent" when I have a *facepalm* "Why is the world SO STUPID day!?". The other is this YouTube channel - I usually go to it when I have some jackass pushing religion or lack of religion on me and I need a little dose of "science philosophy". This one's my favorite. Here's another "Bill Nye Thought", but I think it makes a really good point.
But back to TED Ed. I found this little gem that still manages to blow my mind every time I watch it - I've watched it about 7 or 8 times...:S I'm not sure why it doesn't quite compute, and I've had this conversation with my physicist friends. I understand the concept of infinity and how to come up with and infinite group, but I think where I'm stuck is that the engineer in me sees little practical application of it. I could sound hard-headed here, but the concepts in this little video seem more like mental masturbation than practical thought. Whatever, I still keep watching it.....like a drug almost.
Note: I purposely linked to pages instead of embedding videos. Explore these pages, I can spend hours on them, just listening, and I think you could too.
I still have a few too many things on the go, but somehow manage to balance them all:
- Thesis editing (The beast has been tamed - I think.)
- Mechanical testing (Still trying to get a hold of this animal (pun intended)- doing something for the first time EVER is incredibly frustrating, especially when you're eye-balling most of it.)
- CLS tours and side projects (They keep piling on, but I'm happy to take on the challenge - it's fun that I actually get paid for and they're a great crowd to work with.)
- Tutoring, mostly writing (Although commitment is minimal, here's where the majority of my frustration lies. My idiot threshold is pretty low, and those who write poorly tend to push the limits.)
- Personal life....oh, wait...that one's come to a screeching halt. I've come to realize that Friday night with 2 puppies and a good book are just fine for me right now. I may be a shut-in, but I'm at the point where I deal with people enough during my day that I want to recharge my batteries with my own company. (I have a feeling I might end up looking for ideas related to "extrovert turned introvert" or something like that because right now, I'm perfectly fine just entertaining myself.)
Over the last couple of weeks, I found a really neat little website with some really neat ideas. It's TED related, and it's one of my many quick shots of "intelligent" when I have a *facepalm* "Why is the world SO STUPID day!?". The other is this YouTube channel - I usually go to it when I have some jackass pushing religion or lack of religion on me and I need a little dose of "science philosophy". This one's my favorite. Here's another "Bill Nye Thought", but I think it makes a really good point.
But back to TED Ed. I found this little gem that still manages to blow my mind every time I watch it - I've watched it about 7 or 8 times...:S I'm not sure why it doesn't quite compute, and I've had this conversation with my physicist friends. I understand the concept of infinity and how to come up with and infinite group, but I think where I'm stuck is that the engineer in me sees little practical application of it. I could sound hard-headed here, but the concepts in this little video seem more like mental masturbation than practical thought. Whatever, I still keep watching it.....like a drug almost.
Note: I purposely linked to pages instead of embedding videos. Explore these pages, I can spend hours on them, just listening, and I think you could too.
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Totally abandonned this thing again...
A lot has happened in the last month.
I do have a rant, but I'll save it for another post, mostly because it's not really related to "updates" in my life, but more of an expression of my really low "idiot threshold". Sometimes really smart people can ask really stupid questions and expect even more stupid answers, simply because they have no concept of independent thought.....Funny, but this time there is no relation to student politics.
Editing my marginal thesis is really slow-going. I wish I could blame most of it on being sick, but I think the bulk of my de-motivation is simply because editing is a tedious job. Not a fan, but at least the sucker is written and in the editing phase. It's hard to edit something that doesn't exist.
- Finished writing thesis - Check (4 weeks for 100 pages of marginal to ok goodness. I don't recommend that kind of torture on any one, but it goes to prove: Yes, you can write the large majority of a Master's Thesis in a little over a month.)
- Crashed after writing marginally good thesis - Check (40-degree fevers suck. Being sick for 3 weeks also sucks. That is all.)
- Left meeting with my supervisor feeling like a Rockstar after writing a marginally good thesis - Check (It doesn't happen very often, so I'm gonna bask in it while I can.)
- Started mechanical testing and breaking bones - Check (Weekends are now a figment of my imagination.)
- TA job - Uncheck (I'm totally broke because of it, but not stressed out about idiot undergrads. I'll consider it a WIN.)
- CLS job - Check (Being a returning student has it's perks; like being able to pick up extra hours training the new guides. Seeing as I'm broke, I'll also consider it a WIN.)
- GSA Council Chair - Check (Student politics is still painful beyond the undergrad level. Meetings don't get better, people still like the sound of their own voice, and stupid decisions are still made. At least as Chair, I get to tell people to shut up when they're saying stupid things and wasting our time. Also it's a paid position....so that helps ease the pain.)
I do have a rant, but I'll save it for another post, mostly because it's not really related to "updates" in my life, but more of an expression of my really low "idiot threshold". Sometimes really smart people can ask really stupid questions and expect even more stupid answers, simply because they have no concept of independent thought.....Funny, but this time there is no relation to student politics.
Editing my marginal thesis is really slow-going. I wish I could blame most of it on being sick, but I think the bulk of my de-motivation is simply because editing is a tedious job. Not a fan, but at least the sucker is written and in the editing phase. It's hard to edit something that doesn't exist.
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Yes, it's confirmed; I'm crazy (or at least a little bit).
This TED talk came across my "desk" today:
Yup, I'm a self-diagnosed psychopath. (I'm also going to say that I'm pretty sure there are a few more neuroses included in there, but I have yet to read a book on it....or take a test....which is apparently recommended.) I'm adding Ronson's "The Psychopath Test" to my list of books to read sometime soon.
We're all a little mad here. You're welcome.
Yup, I'm a self-diagnosed psychopath. (I'm also going to say that I'm pretty sure there are a few more neuroses included in there, but I have yet to read a book on it....or take a test....which is apparently recommended.) I'm adding Ronson's "The Psychopath Test" to my list of books to read sometime soon.
We're all a little mad here. You're welcome.
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
The edge of thirty
In light of the punny post title, here's a video (although not her best or most dramatic work, but it's a damn catchy song):
...and back to our regular scheduled program.
Tomorrow I turn 30. I'm not as freaked out as I thought I would be. I'm right in the middle of trying to complete the first draft of my thesis by September 14 (16 days, but actually only 11 working days because of prior commitments). I'm more freaked about the thesis than the aging, mostly because I'm only about 70% complete on the writing account, but still have to format and paginate the stupid thing...and that'll likely eat up an easy 2 days.
Thesis aside, I took the last drive home on the farm to "think about turning 30", mostly because my Grandpa died from cancer at 64. Although I'm not planning on having that happen to me, we can't plan that sort of stuff and I've hit nearly middle-age....sorta.
There's a song by Tim McGraw: "My Next 30 Years" (Yeah, it's a slide show, but you can browse the web while you listen...):
I thought a little about the lyrics, and that kind of sums up how I want to spend my next 30, with the experience of the previous 30 behind me.
I'm not going to read too deeply into the song though (clouded thesis brain). Maybe I'll just enjoy it for the sake of enjoying it, then reflecting when the world slows down again and I've had a feel for 30 for a couple weeks. Maybe it'll hit me then. Maybe not.
Hopefully it's all coasting or downhill from here.
...and back to our regular scheduled program.
Tomorrow I turn 30. I'm not as freaked out as I thought I would be. I'm right in the middle of trying to complete the first draft of my thesis by September 14 (16 days, but actually only 11 working days because of prior commitments). I'm more freaked about the thesis than the aging, mostly because I'm only about 70% complete on the writing account, but still have to format and paginate the stupid thing...and that'll likely eat up an easy 2 days.
Thesis aside, I took the last drive home on the farm to "think about turning 30", mostly because my Grandpa died from cancer at 64. Although I'm not planning on having that happen to me, we can't plan that sort of stuff and I've hit nearly middle-age....sorta.
There's a song by Tim McGraw: "My Next 30 Years" (Yeah, it's a slide show, but you can browse the web while you listen...):
I thought a little about the lyrics, and that kind of sums up how I want to spend my next 30, with the experience of the previous 30 behind me.
I'm not going to read too deeply into the song though (clouded thesis brain). Maybe I'll just enjoy it for the sake of enjoying it, then reflecting when the world slows down again and I've had a feel for 30 for a couple weeks. Maybe it'll hit me then. Maybe not.
Hopefully it's all coasting or downhill from here.
Friday, August 24, 2012
Reflections on the SoulPancake Challenge
I should probably be working on my thesis instead of blogging. I think I'm just really, Really, REALLY excited that I've finally reached a stage where I can start to see the light at the end of the tunnel of this hazing ritual...er...degree. I'm just not really keen of the speed at which I'll be reaching the bright light. Even if I'm close to half-finished, I only have a little over 3 weeks to pump out the rest. It's totally do-able if I apply myself, and it's only the 1st draft - so it doesn't need to be perfect. I just need to resist distractions. Ay, there's the rub.
Distraction. What? Bring on the SoulPancake Challenge. Although I wouldn't consider it a true distraction, because honestly any thinking is good thinking, it hasn't prevented me from writing but it's had me thinking about things other than "thesis baby". I suppose that's a good thing.
One thing I've noticed about the questions in the challenge is that although they're aimed at encouraging you to "chew on life's big questions", the questions seem to be presented with some sort of bias. I guess that's part of the concept too, to question the questions. Maybe??
I'm bringing this up because I've had two questions in a row now (my selection method is a little unorthodox...I flip pages until I "feel" like this is the thing I need to think about today) that seem to introduce things I see positively as having a negative connotation.
The first (yesterday's question): "Why do we hate?" with follow-ups: "Does hate affect our physical well-being?" "What's the best way to handle hate?" "What expression of hate has most affected you?". I have my thoughts written in my kick-ass journal, but to put it in a nutshell, I see two different stems of "hate". Hate as a mentality and Hate as an emotion.
After my "chewing", I worked my way into expressing that hate (or loathing) is essential for balance. Just as you need to love, you need to be indifferent and you need to loathe. The important part is balancing the three so one does not take over (love included...ever love something soooo much that you've smothered it?).
Maybe I'm jaded, maybe I'm cynical. I think the feeling of hate is necessary and sometimes a good thing. If you "hate" or dislike something, maybe you'll bring about change. Without hate, there would be no change. Bottom line, SoulPancake, I'm a little disappointed that you put "hate" in such a negative light. Embrace the hate! Change the world!
Today's question: "How can you be confident without being egotistical?". Coming from someone who has a fairly big ego to satisfy (...might not be a great thing, but at least I recognize that it's a reality), and who works on a regular basis with others with big egos who need similar satisfaction, I see "ego" as a positive thing, as long as it doesn't eat you up.
From what I'm familiar with, surgeons and clinicians (especially those that do bleeding-edge research (pun intended)) have big egos...and for good reason. Honestly, I wouldn't want to be under the knife or in the care of someone who wasn't confident in their own abilities, experimental or routine. Hell, they need to be VERY confident of their abilities. My life is literally in (or below) their hands.
In order to do research with these individuals, you need to play with the big kids as far as ego is concerned. You need to be very confident in your own knowledge and your own abilities....or you'll be eaten alive. (A lesson I learned the hard way...)
I think the important thing to realize is to not take blows to the ego personally. That might be how to keep yourself in check. Be confident in your own ego, because you're the expert; but be willing to learn. There's a big difference between being confident and being closed-minded. I think there's where confusion lies and maybe "ego" is taken in such a negative connotation. Chew on that SoulPancake...
I think I'll mull on this question a little more, while I spend the afternoon writing my thesis (hopefully), and record today's thoughts before I go to bed. I won't feel so guilty about thinking about this question, because it's directly related to why I'm going through this hazing process of working towards a doctorate. Deep down, I'm sure it's simply to satisfy my ego....
This was long.....I'm sorry. I'll aim for shorter next time.
Distraction. What? Bring on the SoulPancake Challenge. Although I wouldn't consider it a true distraction, because honestly any thinking is good thinking, it hasn't prevented me from writing but it's had me thinking about things other than "thesis baby". I suppose that's a good thing.
One thing I've noticed about the questions in the challenge is that although they're aimed at encouraging you to "chew on life's big questions", the questions seem to be presented with some sort of bias. I guess that's part of the concept too, to question the questions. Maybe??
I'm bringing this up because I've had two questions in a row now (my selection method is a little unorthodox...I flip pages until I "feel" like this is the thing I need to think about today) that seem to introduce things I see positively as having a negative connotation.
The first (yesterday's question): "Why do we hate?" with follow-ups: "Does hate affect our physical well-being?" "What's the best way to handle hate?" "What expression of hate has most affected you?". I have my thoughts written in my kick-ass journal, but to put it in a nutshell, I see two different stems of "hate". Hate as a mentality and Hate as an emotion.
After my "chewing", I worked my way into expressing that hate (or loathing) is essential for balance. Just as you need to love, you need to be indifferent and you need to loathe. The important part is balancing the three so one does not take over (love included...ever love something soooo much that you've smothered it?).
Maybe I'm jaded, maybe I'm cynical. I think the feeling of hate is necessary and sometimes a good thing. If you "hate" or dislike something, maybe you'll bring about change. Without hate, there would be no change. Bottom line, SoulPancake, I'm a little disappointed that you put "hate" in such a negative light. Embrace the hate! Change the world!
Today's question: "How can you be confident without being egotistical?". Coming from someone who has a fairly big ego to satisfy (...might not be a great thing, but at least I recognize that it's a reality), and who works on a regular basis with others with big egos who need similar satisfaction, I see "ego" as a positive thing, as long as it doesn't eat you up.
From what I'm familiar with, surgeons and clinicians (especially those that do bleeding-edge research (pun intended)) have big egos...and for good reason. Honestly, I wouldn't want to be under the knife or in the care of someone who wasn't confident in their own abilities, experimental or routine. Hell, they need to be VERY confident of their abilities. My life is literally in (or below) their hands.
In order to do research with these individuals, you need to play with the big kids as far as ego is concerned. You need to be very confident in your own knowledge and your own abilities....or you'll be eaten alive. (A lesson I learned the hard way...)
I think the important thing to realize is to not take blows to the ego personally. That might be how to keep yourself in check. Be confident in your own ego, because you're the expert; but be willing to learn. There's a big difference between being confident and being closed-minded. I think there's where confusion lies and maybe "ego" is taken in such a negative connotation. Chew on that SoulPancake...
I think I'll mull on this question a little more, while I spend the afternoon writing my thesis (hopefully), and record today's thoughts before I go to bed. I won't feel so guilty about thinking about this question, because it's directly related to why I'm going through this hazing process of working towards a doctorate. Deep down, I'm sure it's simply to satisfy my ego....
This was long.....I'm sorry. I'll aim for shorter next time.
Friday, August 17, 2012
SoulPancake Challenge....sure why not?
So, a friend of mine is taking part in the SoulPancake Challenge. Well, it's not really like a competition, but more like a self-imposed activity to sit down and "chew on life's big questions"...as it's stated on the soulpancake.com anyways. You challenge yourself I guess....and maybe bring others into the discussion too.
I've been following her vlogs and some of them are pretty sweet, some get me thinking, some need to be expressed and some are just fun. Simply fun.
Seeing how much fun my friend's been having, and seeing some of the questions that she's chosen to answer, I've decided to put myself through the "challenge" too.
The neato thing about this, is that I can choose to do it any way I want. Oh yeah...there's a book to go along with it too...and honestly who doesn't want more books. But yeah, I bought the book (and yes the artwork in it is pretty cool too) and decided to answer a question a day until I work my way through all the questions....then I'll start over again maybe. We'll see. The awesome thing is that there are no rules. It's just a medium to get you thinking about what it's like to be a "spirit having a human experience"....or something like that.
I still haven't decided what my creative medium will be. There's videos out there, I could also write out my ideas...but they tend to ramble. I think I express and understand myself best through diagrams and sketches....so that might be good to start and then I'll see where it takes me. I started to put my sketches in a journal I bought in Seattle that I've been waiting for "something good" to put in. I realized that right now, I have almost 30 years of experience behind me....what better "stuff" to put in that journal than reflecting pretty deeply over the last 30 years....and I guess the next 30 years to come too. Honestly, it's such a sweet journal (leather cover, hand bound, smells like saddle oil, parchment paper, wrap cover....it's the kind of journal that when someone says "journal", this is exactly what you picture...really) that I don't want it to go to waste, and it's been sitting on my shelf for a bout a year without a single entry. Last night that changed.
I'm still mulling about last night's question "How do you determine truth?". I've thought about it a bit, and have made some sketches, diagrams, plot, charts, etc.; but I don't think I'll have fully answered that question (at least fully-answered to satisfy my academically-minded self). I may come back to it next week and see what changes.
Today's question is "What is the purpose of art?". I have a few ideas...I'll put pen to paper tonight.
I think the only thing that will stay consistent in this challenge will be that I'll limit myself to one question a day. Too many questions and I'll bog myself down so much that I won't actually get any work-related thinking done....I think. (Oh yeah, and "work" is actually going really well for a change....more on that in another post....maybe later today.) I've also decided that I'll give myself the question first thing in the morning and file it in my "Mulling Over" compartment in my brain and come back to it before bed. See how that goes.
I'm excited.
I've been following her vlogs and some of them are pretty sweet, some get me thinking, some need to be expressed and some are just fun. Simply fun.
Seeing how much fun my friend's been having, and seeing some of the questions that she's chosen to answer, I've decided to put myself through the "challenge" too.
The neato thing about this, is that I can choose to do it any way I want. Oh yeah...there's a book to go along with it too...and honestly who doesn't want more books. But yeah, I bought the book (and yes the artwork in it is pretty cool too) and decided to answer a question a day until I work my way through all the questions....then I'll start over again maybe. We'll see. The awesome thing is that there are no rules. It's just a medium to get you thinking about what it's like to be a "spirit having a human experience"....or something like that.
I still haven't decided what my creative medium will be. There's videos out there, I could also write out my ideas...but they tend to ramble. I think I express and understand myself best through diagrams and sketches....so that might be good to start and then I'll see where it takes me. I started to put my sketches in a journal I bought in Seattle that I've been waiting for "something good" to put in. I realized that right now, I have almost 30 years of experience behind me....what better "stuff" to put in that journal than reflecting pretty deeply over the last 30 years....and I guess the next 30 years to come too. Honestly, it's such a sweet journal (leather cover, hand bound, smells like saddle oil, parchment paper, wrap cover....it's the kind of journal that when someone says "journal", this is exactly what you picture...really) that I don't want it to go to waste, and it's been sitting on my shelf for a bout a year without a single entry. Last night that changed.
I'm still mulling about last night's question "How do you determine truth?". I've thought about it a bit, and have made some sketches, diagrams, plot, charts, etc.; but I don't think I'll have fully answered that question (at least fully-answered to satisfy my academically-minded self). I may come back to it next week and see what changes.
Today's question is "What is the purpose of art?". I have a few ideas...I'll put pen to paper tonight.
I think the only thing that will stay consistent in this challenge will be that I'll limit myself to one question a day. Too many questions and I'll bog myself down so much that I won't actually get any work-related thinking done....I think. (Oh yeah, and "work" is actually going really well for a change....more on that in another post....maybe later today.) I've also decided that I'll give myself the question first thing in the morning and file it in my "Mulling Over" compartment in my brain and come back to it before bed. See how that goes.
I'm excited.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)