Life moves pretty fast...

...If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it. 

This is how I was feeling up until this afternoon. 
I had some pretty hardcore decisions to make after my Comp presentation:  Do I Ph.D.?  Do I stay here?  Do I go to Toronto?  Do I go to Boston?  What do I do it on?  Can I build something?  Can I design something?  Who do I work with?  Ahhhhh!!!

I had two sticky notes plastered on my CPU at work: 
"And if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose, I hope you choose the one that means the most to you" - From a Rascal Flatts song I was listening to the day I needed some inspiration
"I don't care what you decide, just pick the one that makes you happy." - From my Dad last year when we were going through this the first time around. (I think this is the most important phrase I've ever heard.  I'm saving that sticky note.)

I did some thinking, some prioritizing, some more thinking, some sleeping and some more prioritizing....

This is what I told my advisor yesterday afternoon: 
 
I only know three things:

• I want to do a Ph.D.
• I want to stay here and help you build your research program
• I want to do as little coding as possible

This evening, 5 e-mails and some discussion later, I already have 2 new potential collaborators in Orthopedic Surgery and one in Kinesiology (he wanted to work with me anyways, but it still counts).  Shit's moving fast....again.  I don't mind so far, because it's all completely up in the air and mostly ideas being brainstormed and thrown around...but I think we have a direction....and I like it. 

Hard to believe a year ago, almost to the day, I was scared shitless about dropping a job (and a paycheck) and going back to school to start working in a new field I new absolutely nothing about but was crazy-interested...and my potential supervisor seemed really cool.  Now we're talking Doctorate....and it's pretty close to a sure thing if we can get dollars.  Achievement UNLOCKED!
I'm excited and pretty damn proud of myself that I've done so much this year.  I don't think I would have accomplished this much if I would have stayed in industry. 

This past year:

• I taught two classes - pretty much on my own
• I've taken three grad-level classes and got grades above 80% in ALL OF THEM....while teaching or TA'ing, researching and keeping a part-time job
• I've been called a hard-ass three times
• I've been offered a position at U of T (which I'm going to have to turn down, but I'll maybe talk Post.Doc. in a few years)
• I've been called a Rock Star numerous times by people within and outside of my research team
• I've either written or reviewed three papers for publication - that's 3 authorships, still in the works, but they exist nonetheless...
• I've puzzled researchers in engineering, orthopedics and kinesiology worldwide with my awesome discoveries
• I've been to a conference and submitted abstracts for three more....still waiting on the confirmations for those, but I'm sure it's a done deal
• I've learned to live on a budget again and appreciate the simple things...like homebrew
• I've helped build a research team and put the U of S MOBiL group on the research map...again, even in a small way, this still counts for a lot
• I received an award from the Canadian Institute for Health Research and was called an "exceptional candidate" on the review forms - huge deal!

I don't think the list would be that long, or that impressive, if I would have stayed in industry.  The authorships and the teaching definitely wouldn't be on there....neither would the "living on a budget"....and I'd likely be much more frustrated with my life. 
I think if I'd stayed, I'd be wallowing in a pool of frustration and mediocrity, trying to get ahead but only crushed down by the corporate structure that ruled the company....sounds very "stick-it-to-the-man", but it's the best way to describe how I was feeling, because I didn't feel like I had any control over the direction of my career and my interests.  

I was anxious and afraid and it turned out really well, in fact better than I expected.  I'm in the right place, at the right time, with the right people, working in an area that I'm actually passionate about for a change.  It's all pretty awesome and I keep up momentum, it can only get better. 
Let's do Round Two!

Back to Basics, I guess

I had a crummy week this past week.  It kind of started with my committee meeting last Thursday, I was able to leave the room with the delusion that I actually did well. 
I was told that I did really well...and I believed it.  First mistake. 

I got my feedback on Sunday.  I finally had the courage and level-headedness to look at it yesterday.  I was still kind of furious and I'm not really looking forward to my meeting with my advisor tomorrow to discuss the feedback.  I have a feeling that I could burst into tears.  It would be a first, but it still wouldn't be good. 

Either way, I've looked it over and today's seminar was just what I needed to start putting it in perspective.

Today's seminar was given by Dr. Don Bailey.  He's the man who started up the Bone Strength group in Kinesiology in 1959.  He's retired now, and hitting 78, but he's still sharp as a tack and able to take command of a room without standing up or saying a word.  I never met him until today although I'd heard of him and read some of his work.  I'm glad I met him.  Although he may not be a mentor, he'll definitely be something to aspire to.  After what I've said, you can kind of imagine the amount of respect this guy has within the research group in Kinesiology.  In fact, there was one Post Doc that was so incredibly excited to see him, her eyes sparkled for the entire hour (I'm sure mine did too for a portion of it). 
Now, seeing as he's kind of a pioneer in bone strength research, this guy could have talked about anything at all for his seminar talk.  He could have touched on the most complex elements, talking about the challenges of running a 40+ year longitudinal study, or been anecdotal on lessons learned and what-not.  Hell, he could have said anything he wanted to, and we would have hung on like excited kids, grasping to his every word.  Of all things he could have discussed, he focused his talk on "The Basics"....and not even entirely bone-related basics....no he talked about Archimedes, Galileo, Darwin, Wolff and Thompson basics.  Right back to square one basics.  Stuff we already knew and understood; yet there we were, hanging on his every word. 
I think that talk was exactly what I needed. 

I'm not the best at taking feedback, I never have been and I honestly don't think anyone really is.  I'm rarely told that I'm wrong and I have a tendency to figure it out on my own and roll with it.  So, when you hear something you're not used to hearing, of course you're going to act a little differently.  I wasn't too impressed with my feedback after I'd been told that my scoring was "the best I've ever seen" according to my supervisor. 

The stuff that I had issues with last week - well, they were the basics.  Sometimes I think we get so caught up in learning specifics, and becoming experts about one tiny aspect of the big picture that we start to forget the big picture and we start to forget the basics.  I think that was where I was last week.  I was so stressed out about understanding the details and figuring out the little things that I lost sight of the big picture and let the basics slip under the rug.  It shows on my feedback form. 

Tomorrow in my meeting, I guess I have to accept that I got lost in the the big picture.  I was focused so much on one tree that I forgot to take in the entire forest and accept it for what it is......basic. 

I'm still afraid about how this meeting is going to go, but I think if I take the "I forgot about the basics" approach, I should be OK.  At least I know what I need to work on.  Too bad it's the foundation. 

God I hate marking!!

A lot has happened since my last post, like really big shit has happened - major CIHR scholarship, committee meeting, being called a Rockstar on more than one occasion - and here I am bitching about marking.

I've been told a couple of times to ease up on my standards for marking assignments.  Honestly, I don't think I was that harsh.  Either you get it, or you don't.  Either you write down all your work, or you don't.  If you don't, no full marks for you.  Honestly, I don't give marks for work that isn't there - just like you're not going to get paid for a job that isn't finished.  Seriously.  Don't expect hand-outs.  It's not going to get you anywhere.  I will not give you hand-outs.  I will help you so you understand, but you have to meet me halfway. 

When did kids start growing up with a feeling of entitlement and the need to be catered to?  There must be a gap somewhere between the early 90's and the early 00's where elementary teachers lost their spines and the high school teachers gave up and didn't pick up the slack.  I understood that if you work hard, and show that you've understood the assignment, you'll get the marks you deserve.  You can't get marks for something that you haven't shown.  Also, when did they start voicing this opinion.....??

I'm handing in a stack of assignments and standing my ground. I've been more than generous in my marking, but learning new material does not negate the need to forgo the basics.  A lot of the cases where students are losing marks is because they're forgetting the basics: write down your equations, mark all your axes, SHOW YOUR UNITS, list your assumptions, solve for ALL your variables, stop and think.  Fuck.  I thought this was all drilled in their heads 3 years ago when they were in 1st year. 

I wish I could have had 10 minutes at the beginning of the year to give them the "suck less and think" talk - mostly on what I expect when I'm marking and what will get you more marks. 

Show all your work - get marks
Show all your units - get marks
Write down your assumptions - get marks
Write down the equations - get marks
Write neatly - get marks
Solve for all your variables - get marks

Honestly, I shouldn't have to worry about some students complaining about losing marks for negating the basics.  That's why they're called BASICS.  They should come naturally.  They should be instinctual.  Fuck.  

The reason I'm drilling this into them is because I want to make their lives (or at least their co-workers lives) easier once they get out into industry.  Some of these kids are going to end up in week-in/week-out kinds of jobs, where they'll have some other dude take over their projects on their "weeks-out".  The most common complaint I get from friends doing these types of jobs is that they spend the first 2 days of their rotation either fixing what the idiot before them did or trying to figure out what that not-so-idiot did.  If you can read and understand what they did, then you can get on with your job sooner, be more productive and maybe move up the ladder a little bit.  Honestly as well, if your co-workers notice that your work is organized, chances are pretty good they'll reciprocate and make their work more organized.  Even if they don't reciprocate, word gets around the office really quickly about how easy it is to understand your work (trust me on this one - praise moves quicker than you think, even if you don't hear it) and good things come your way. 

I wonder if these kids realize that life goes on at the office (or the site) when you're on holiday.  Likely not.  Shit.  It could be a rude awakening.  Well, can't say I didn't warn them. 

Something came across my "desk" today....

My friend working on her Master's in Mathematical Biology posted this on her FB wall today.  I think this is THE BEST piece of advice about making the decision to go to Grad School that I've ever seen.  I think I might even print it off and put it on the wall in my office.  I really like it.


...on a related note, I'm also becoming a "Dena-version" of my supervisor....and his wife....combined *facepalm*.
I wrote the first draft of my Teaching Philosophy last night, and I'm pretty sure Supervisor and Wife could agree with about 90%  of it.  I'm also starting to look at problems and write like them.  So far, it's working....I'm also going through a lot of wine....