Family or Science.....

Today is another one of those days where I'm starting to contemplate my existence and if I'll be existing alone or with someone for the rest of my life.....which I hope is a very, very long time.....but will seem to pass in the blink of an eye.

Here's the way I see it....I have 2 different "time lines" for what I'd like to accomplish.  I like to think of it as very long-term goal setting.  So long-term that flexibility is inevitable.

Here's the first:  Science Time Line

• 2004 - Complete first degree- check....sort of, it took me 4.5 years....close enough
• 2008 - Complete second degree - check...on time
• 2011 - Work in industry - check stayed there for 2.5 years....kind of accelerated the rest of the time-line, that's OK
• 2013 - Complete Master's degree.....God-willing
• 2014 - Work in industry to complete by P.Eng before my 7 years run out :P
• 2018 - Complete Ph.D.  I'm giving myself 4 years, I hope that's generous enough
• 2026 - Get teaching tenure....this will put me at 44...which means I can teach for about 20 years as long as the funding lasts, which would be OK
• 2047 - "Retire" and continue teaching as a Professor Emeritus.....which would be really, really cool
• Then I'll live a long and happy retirement....me and Science

Here's the second: Family Time Line
For the sake of argument, I'm going to assume that I meet "Mr. Right" tomorrow.  Although it's not the worst-case scenario, it's also not the most likely, but it makes a good study.

• 2011 - Meet Mr. Right
• 2015 - After 4 years of dating, we decide to get engaged
• 2018 - Get married.  I'm going to allow for a 3-year engagement.....more likely because if I'm going to procrastinate at anything, it'll like be wedding planning.  I like weddings, I don't love them. I don't get excited about them.....seriously.  
• 2022 - DINKs (Double-Income-No-Kids) for 4 years and then we decide to have a baby (for those doing the math, this puts me at 40....not ideal by any stretch)
• 2040 - My first kid graduates from highschool.....I'm 58

If my first-born (that I haven't sold for teaching tenure) decides to have the same science-based lifestyle that I do, they'll have their first kids in 2062.  I'm 80.  I'll either be in a nursing home, 6-feet-under, or very close.
I always thought that the point of having kids was to enjoy grand-kids.  Looking at the age that I could be when I finally get around to the grand-kid phase, I don't know if I even want to get that ball rolling.  I might have them in my life, but I don't think I'll be able to enjoy them.  It's depressing.

If, and that's a BIG IF, I do have kids, I want to have them before I'm 36, simply because there are too many age-related fertility complications in my family and I don't want to have to deal with it.  That's only 8 years from now.  This is one deadline that I really have little control over, unless I adopt.  I'm not going to adopt for the sake of having a kid.  I don't want to be a single parent....bottom-line.

I think this leads to the bottom of the funk that I've been in over the past few days.  I guess I'm coming to accept that I may never be a mother.  I may never be a mother.  It hurts me to say that.  Maybe that's why I'm counting to find more satisfaction in the Science Time-Line.  At least today, right now, it seems way more likely. 
I've told my Mom over and over that Chaos is the closest thing she's going to get to grand-kids for quite a while.  I think she's come to accept it and started putting her eggs in my brother's basket.  I'm fine with that, but I do sort of feel like a failure.  My mom won't be able to enjoy my kids, her grand-kids.  It's depressing.

I haven't even gotten into combining the 2 time lines.  I'm not even going to try, seeing as the "Family Plan" is so incredibly up-in-the-air that it would take more than one post to cover it.  Combining them will likely push back the "Family Plan", mainly because I've kind of already given up hope for it so it will be really hard to pull it to the front seat at this point.

Maybe I won't be able to "Have It All".  I'll have to settle.  It hurts to say that.