Decisions...I guess...

No one's really a fan of making big decisions.  In the past month I've managed to make my way through a few of them, but the decision I need to make before the end of this summer is going to be a real big one. 

I bought a house 2 weeks ago. That was a big decision, but it was honestly a reasonably easy one to make.  I could put in an offer, or I couldn't.  A or B.  50/50 shot.  I ended up putting in an offer because I was at the point where I realized that I really didn't have a whole lot of options to pick from.  There were very few houses that fit the criteria my parents and I could agree on, and 2 of the houses we wanted to look at were sold before I could go and investigate.  I knew that if I didn't put an offer in on this guy, it would be sold out from under me.  So, long story short, I bought a house and I get possession July 16, with the move and clean-out complete by July 29.  I'm kind of stoked. 

The decision I have to make now isn't as cut and dry as the "buying a house" decision was.  I need to pick a Ph.D. direction that fits within the scope of our research group, and that I think I can tackle in 3 years time.  Some of my friends and family think, "Well, you can pretty much do whatever you want!"...as if it's a great thing.  I think knowing that I could do "whatever I want" is part of the problem.  I'm the type that needs limitations and boundaries in order to make a decision, because otherwise I'll make the "wrong" choice and end up paying for it for a long time.  I guess I have some limits, like it needs to fit within the scope of our research group and I need to be able to finish in 3 years, but other than that...I feel like I'm swimming without a lifeguard on duty. 

I'm wondering if the past couple of months has something to do with an article that I found a week or so ago.   It's about "bright girls" and perhaps being constantly told so may have put us at risk for low self-esteem and low achievement later in life.  I might be hitting that "later in life" stage.  The gist of the article explains that high-performing girls, who are always being told "Good work" at a young age start to conceive the concept of "brightness" or "cleverness" as a skill that can't be improved upon.  To put it bluntly, they start to believe that either you know the answer, or you don't, and that abilities and skills, like learning, don't really change over time.  Bottom-line, girls who are consistently told that they're "smart" at a young age are more likely to quit when the going gets tough.  That's kind of how I feel right now.  I figure I might as well quit, go back into industry, start making "real money" and stop hitting the "snooze button on life".  Thing is, I really enjoy my research, but I still have absolutely no idea what I want to do when I'm finished.  I know I don't really want to teach...and that's about it. 

This article lead me to another question...or at least another brainwave: I think this view of "learning as an unchanging skill" could be why I beat myself up for not knowing all the answers and why I get down on myself up when I don't understand something.  I've usually been able to figure out answers to problems pretty quickly; and once I hit a problem that I can't figure out right away I get really frustrated, start crying, feeling like a failure and beat myself up for not knowing the answer because I've always been told "Good work" or "You're so smart".  I get this little monologue in my head, "Well, if I'm so god-damned smart, why in the fuck can't I figure this shit out!?"....and because I'm so stupidly stubborn, I can't break myself down to throwing in the towel like the girls in this study.  I could be my own worst enemy....likely at the expense of, or caused by, those who've supported me my whole life. 

This is starting to sound like the kind of stuff I should be telling a shrink.  Anyone know any good shrinks in the Saskatoon area?  The kind that will listen to self-destructive grad students? 

On a side note, we had a research group meeting today about designing some medical equipment to be sent into space...which is pretty wicked-awesome, and I'm starting to re-consider my previously self-crushed dreams about becoming an astronaut. Up until grade 6, I thought about being either an astronaut or a vet "when I grow up", then in 1994, I met Julie Payette and was really intimidated about the amount of school that she went through before she applied to join the Canadian Space Agency; that was the point where I realized that it was a lot of school and I'd "settle" to be a scientist, a vet, or an engineer (I gave up on the "vet dream" in fall 2000, after I flunked my first exam....ever).  I'm having a look at her bio right now, and, well.....looking at her accomplishments pre-1992 (the year she was accepted to CSA)....I'm at the same stage in my education as she was, and have accomplished just as much....maybe even a little more.  I'm already up one post-secondary degree with my BSA and my BE, and will be on par with my MSc.  I have similar industry experience.  I have received similar scholarships.  Maybe I'll throw "Astronaut" back on my list of potential jobs when I'm finished my PhD.  Nothing against Julie Payette...she's one of the most amazing and down-to-earth women I've met...but it's nice to see that you're just as accomplished as your role models were at the same stage in their life.