Scientists vs. Engineers - and the shift required in my brainz

I had a really great meeting with my supervisor this afternoon.  I didn't leave feeling like a RockStar, but I didn't leave feeling like a DumbAss or a FuckUp, so I'll consider it a WIN!

We're working on the second paper from my thesis - which probably should have been written ages ago - but the whole thesis thing got in the way.   Either way, there's some edits (naturally) and some more work before I pass it on to co-authors; not as many edits as I expected, so that's a good thing.

In peer-reviewed literature, there's a section where you discuss your work and all of the goodies that come with it (naturally called the Discussion).  It's also an opportunity to discuss the limitations, or pitfalls, wish-I-did's, cracks, flaws...etc, of your research.  If there are no flaws, then you're SCIENC'ing wrong.  I have no quarrels with that.  (In fact, there are so many "doing it wrong"'s that there's an entire Twitter hashtag devoted to it:  #overlyhonestmethods.  I'm giving this buzz line partial credit for me surviving my defense.)

Anyways, I listed a bunch of "things I'd like to change if I was doing this over", and "things that I have to accept that I cannot change" (this sounds familiar...).  Most of them were correct, some I pulled from previous work and tweeked it to apply (which I won't do again...promise), and some I'm still trying to gorram figure out. Either way, I was getting so bogged down by all the limitations of what I did, that I started to forget just how awesome and important my research actually is.  My writing had to change.  My writing is a little bit of my soul.  I guess I'm giving away little bits of my soul in my papers....scary thought.

This led us to the "philosophical" part of our meeting (there's always one, most of the time it relates to BATMAN, but not today....maybe).  It got the two of us really thinking, and helped me gain a little bit of perspective on this whole "SCIENCE!" thing. 

As Engineers, we're trained to find flaws.  I've spent the last 8 years building stuff, identifying what was wrong, then fixing it.  Or (even better) doing equations about flaws and failures so I know if they're going to happen or if something is even possible.  We design things to get around a flaw, or to correct a flaw.  As long as something isn't quite perfect, or quite working the way it should - we go in and re-design the sucker to make it work.  Engineers are trained to aim for perfection (within budget constraints of course - also a flaw). As long as there are flaws, there is more work to do.
Bottom line: I've studied "How stuff is wrong" for the last 8 years.  I've been trained specifically to find out what's wrong, fix the problem, then make sure it doesn't happen again.  Throw that monkey wrench into the mentality of the Scientific Process and that makes for some pretty self-deprecating writing. 

As an Engineer, even if there's something incredibly exciting with the work, we still get bogged down by mistakes and "wish-I-hads", that we forget just how awesome the SCIENCE is.  It sucks!

The conversation ended with my supervisor telling me that I shouldn't be so hard on myself and my work.  This is SCIENCE (well, part of it is, but a small part) and I don't have as much control over an experiment as I would a design or a model.  There aren't as many limitations as I think.  "Only opportunities." 

I think it was a big light bulb moment for the both of us.  I like leaving the meeting on the same page of the same book.  WIN.

Gonna get all "Sex in the City" up in here. Grab some wine.

So I was standing at the bus stop and managed to "turn my brain off" for a few minutes. 
I started thinking about inspiration and creativity...but it slowly moved to relationships...and the notion of settling for "Mr. Right" or "Mr. Right Now".

Is it worth dating "Mr. Right Now" at the possible expense of finding "Mr. Right", and is it really worth going through the heartache of finding "Mr. Right", when you'd be satisfied with "Mr. Right Now"?

So I have this friend (who is female, but will remain nameless), and she's dating "Mr. Right Now".  They do make an adorable couple (like sickeningly adorable sometimes), but they're both aware that each other is "Mr. Right Now"/"Ms. Right Now". It works so well, because they're both on the same page, of the same book, borrowed from the same library.  Right now, neither is looking for anything more than simply dating the other.  It's cool that way.  And it works.  Most of the time. 

Frustrating part is that she knows that she can't see herself with him for the rest of her life.  She sees her future with someone else, in different time zones, across the globe.  It doesn't work with "Mr. Right" because they're both academics and neither wanted to hold the other back.  Which I'm totally in agreement with (I don't know how I'd feel, knowing that I allowed someone to give up on their dreams, or I'd prevent them from reaching their total potential, simply because we fell in love with each other).

Sometimes I wonder if it's better to play conservatively, and only bet on the hands where I knew I was able to win, or if it was worth laying my chips on the table and doing some bluffing from time to time. By betting to win and waiting for "Mr. Right", am I missing out on a lot of "Mr. Right Now"'s? By holding out, am I actually hindering heartache? Is it a function of my own strength, or just the ability to realize that idealism is tough to achieve?

I've dated a few guys, not a lot, but a few.  Mostly first dates. Very few second dates.  Even fewer third dates and "relationships" - if you want to call them that.  Honestly, I don't think I've been in a full-out, Facebook-official relationship in over 12 years.  Scary.
I think that's mostly by my choice. Although they've mostly been good guys, they just never seemed like they were worth investing in--or some force of nature just didn't work out.  The weirdest thing is that each of them was progressively more suited to what I was looking for than the previous.  Could be by chance, but it's like I was refining a search.  Like an iterative learning process, narrowing down on what was a "need", and what I was willing to compromise on.

I'm wondering if that was by chance, or by choice.  Am I purposely choosing gentlemen (and yes, all but one were gentlemen) who are closer and closer to what I think that I would be able to spend the rest of my life with?
If that's the case, then the next docket has a lot to live up to.  The search is getting narrower and narrower; honestly I don't want to put that kind of pressure on myself, let alone someone who I may end up spending the rest of my life with.  (Not to say that the next person I end up going on a date with will be the person I spend the rest of my life with, but given the refining trend, it doesn't leave much room for error - unless I want to spend the next 50 years alone.) 

Then there's also the idea of leaving it up to chance.  Will I eventually "bump into" "Mr. Right", say in the hallway, or the lab, or the grocery store; or is it worth accelerating the process through active seeking (like online dating, speed dating, etc).  "They" say that 1 in 5 relationships start in online dating, and I'll believe "them".  Fewer of my friends are meeting their mates face-to-face, and more online, through fibre optics and keyboards.  I mean, I've tried the online dating thing (and there's a really promising prospect - but I don't wanna jinx it), but I'm wondering if we would have met each other eventually through house parties, hijinx, and mutual friends, or was it worth speeding it up - potentially cross-referencing wires and leaving the component to spark, smoke, ignite, and eventually smoulder?

I've purposely avoided dating for the past year, simply so I can focus on finishing my degree on time (of which I succeeded) and making my mark in the scientific game of dice (which I'm still successfully working on). I think I'm ready to jump back into the dating pool, but I'm also wondering how much patience I have for the whole process. 

Is it all the pining and heartache worth it, or should I just stand back and watch the parade?  Should I settle, and try for "Mr. Right Now", or do I find the strength and keep on trucking to seek out "Mr. Right"?

Honestly, I just hope he shows up sooner, rather than later.  I'm not getting any younger, and the older I get, the shorter the courting period is going to be.... 

I hope my kilted knight shows up pretty damn fast.  I could just crack beyond the state of repair.

A lot has happened int he last 2 months.  I'll make a list:

• I finished writing, editing....and defending (yay!) my thesis.  Yup, officially "Mastered" SCIENCE!  It feels pretty good.  I'm working through the last few edits right now before I can submit it and finish all the paperwork. And...and...and...I was nominated for a "Department Thesis Award"...so that's cool.  At my defense, there was more discussion about my referencing style and tiny text on figures, than there was about actual SCIENCE....so that was a nice feeling.  Also kind of confusing, because I thought I was ready for the "tough questions" and I really didn't get any....Weird.

• I've been accepted to the PhD program in Biomedical Engineering.  Not just have I "Mastered" SCIENCE!, but I'm soon to "Doctor" (or as I like to think of it...."doctor" as in fix, or heal, or make better) SCIENCE!  I just have to make sure all the paperwork mentioned above is complete and I can move on to bigger and "better" things.  I remember when I called in to the BIOE office when I was weighing my options on where to apply; and asked about the demographics of the program, just out of curiosity.  The secretary looked at my application and pretty much said, "Good luck getting in.  You don't have a 90 average and you're Canadian."  I wonder if she's eating her words now, or if she's just simply cranky and bitter to everyone.

 

• I've been awarded a Scholarship for the first 4 months of my PhD program.  Initially it was supposed to be for full funding (36 months), but because I wasn't enrolled in the PhD program when I was awarded it, it's only for the first little bit.  Apparently the BIOE program is afraid of commitment and will give me the first little bit, but I have to re-compete for the next large bit.  I'm not worried, just frustrated that I wasn't able to get full funding.   I'll have to re-apply in April, but if things keep going at the pace they're at right now, I should have a fairly strong application.

 

• I finished reading the entire Harry Potter series.  Big accomplishment.  Common accomplishment.  I'm glad I visited Hogwarts.  I want Wyatt and Chelsey to start pumping out tiny humans so I can read to them all about Hogwarts.  It was a good ride. 

 

• I FINALLY watched all 14 episodes of Firefly and Serenity.....like 6 times.  It's been on my list for a few years, and seeing as the series is (sadly) so short I was able to plow through it in the last bit of thesis preparation.  (I won't be surprised if a Firefly reference slips through in the last bit of my thesis edits.  I can't get Captain Mal out of my head.)  I also want to introduce the 'verse to Wyatt and Chelsey's tiny humans.  They should get on that because I have a lot of adventures to go on with them.

 

• I unpacked my sewing room....finally.  I've been in this house almost 6 months and haven't unpacked the basement yet.  I rediscovered a couple projects where I've cut all the pieces out (the most tedious part) and have left them for dead.  Now that I'm finished Mastering SCIENCE, maybe I'll have a chance to put the pieces together into something semi-useful like a blanket, or a backpack, or a death-ray gun.

 

• Christmas and New Years has happened in the middle of all this, but there was also the final bits of Mastering SCIENCE, that I really didn't even notice.  Sadly.  My supervisor told me to take some time off.  That'll never happen again, so I think I'm going to take him up on it.  As for when that "time off" will happen....it's a mystery....really.