No one's forcing you to be here...

I've had this post up my sleeve for quite some time. Over the past couple weeks, there's been a few events that have brought this idea back to my frontal brain...and I feel like a good rant.

In some fields having a graduate-level degree is helpful.  In engineering (in general) it's perhaps not so helpful...and in some cases can even hinder you.  The cases of which I'm venting have to do with some grad students I've encountered in engineering. 

In my (limited) experience, people choose to do grad studies more because they "want to", not because they "have to". I'd like to think that we're there because we want to be, knowing that we should be able to get an engineering job in industry...anywhere really if you're willing to settle (quite a bit) for your first placement.  The jobs are out there...you just can't have high expectations.  Also, there's no shame in getting a service or retail job to hold you off until you find that engineering job. A job's a job's a job.

I'm also under the assumption that no one is doing grad studies "for the money".  Grad studies is not something you do because you're being lucratively paid....if that's the case...then....well....it's never the case. If you want to be reasonably monetarily compensated for your effort and time....don't go into grad studies.  Hell....don't even stay in academia. (You move into academic administration...but that's another argument for another time.)

Bottom line: you have to make some trade-offs and you come to accept it. The sooner, the better. Life lesson - Making Adjustments.

These are some of my observations of a couple of cases where I don't think the thought or concept of understanding "trade-off" was the case.

WARNING: Get a beer, it's gonna be a long one.  (I'm getting one.  It'll help the process. Trust me.)

WARNING^2: If you don't like opinions, stop reading.  There's a lot of opinions.  They're mine.  You may not like them.

Case Study #1 has to do with an individual who was in our research group and has recently left (...and while letting this post stew for an additional couple of weeks they didn't like the group they left for...and tried to get back into our group...unsuccessfully...and for what I think is good reason...I digress...). 
All of our projects are intermingled in one way or another.  Although their leaving won't immediately jeopardize my project (it may in the long-term, but because I'm just starting out I have enough time to plan around it), it has jeopardized at least two other individuals in our group.  Right now, we're scrambling to try and make it work. I'm disappointed because we scouted out this person and brought them halfway across the world, because they had what we thought we were looking for and they seemed willing to work with us....at least that's how it started out.

I haven't spoken to them since they've left (because I've been too busy doing my own productive thing...and 2 weeks later after the new development, I really don't want to talk to them), so I don't know the entire story. Expectations may have been out of joint, or it could have simply been a personality conflict.  I don't know. What I'm going to express is only my side of a very big picture.

My immediate supervisor is a young supervisor - I was his first student to finish a program.  We're a team just starting out, so we're all learning how to go through this together.  It requires some flexibility, some understanding, and a lot of patience.  It's not without growing pains, but we all walk away from the situation learning something.  Honestly, I think this is the most valuable part of my grad program.  Someday, I'll be supervising people in academia...and if I'm not there to be a part of those growing pains, I'm never going to learn from them.  I'd rather have a supervisor who's not perfect where I can learn leadership techniques as well as SCIENCE, than one who's supervised so many students that they just don't care.

Another reason I really like my supervisors is because they give me A LOT of freedom to make my project my own, and a lot of freedom to make my own mistakes.  If you're not a self-starter or driven....our group is not the group for you...hell, research is not for you either.  Yeah, sure I was "given" my direction on the first day, but my final Master's project looked nothing like the project I was given...and it was mostly because I chose my own direction. I expect the same with my PhD project.  What I come out with at the end is not going to look anything like what I'm expecting to start with, and I think most of it will be because of the direction I'm choosing to go with.  I think that's another part of the learning process...the "I don't see why you need a baby-sitter" part.  I think some people learn this lesson at different paces than others.

I think the supervisory technique was part of the reason why this individual left our group.  I think their expectations were out of wack. I think they were expecting to BE TOLD what the direction of their project was going to be, instead of independently thinking out what they want to explore...or where the field is lacking.  This person had a BIG opening to play with - like SCIENCE never ever performed - and I don't think they rose to the occasion.  A PhD isn't going to be easy.  If they were, they'd just be handing them out...like BA's.  If they were easy, there wouldn't be a near 50% incompletion rate. The problem is bigger than expectations...but I think that's a conversation for another post.

Bottom line, I think this individual felt entitled when they shouldn't have. No one was forcing them to stay here.  They've left the group, but they're still pursuing a PhD as far as I know (recent events since initial writing may have changed this a bit).  I don't think their expectations have changed any...and disappointment might just follow. I guess I can step back at this point and say "Not my fucking problem."

I do have hard feelings.  Their leaving has screwed our group over, just a little bit.  Enough to become inconvenient.

Case Study #2 has to do with a conversation I had with a grad student in engineering about fees and tuition increasing disproportionately to the rate of pay.  I honestly wanted to tell them to suck it up or get out, but I had to be all diplomatic and shit at the risk of escalating the situation for someone else. Fuck.

Again, if you want to be paid fairly for your work...DON'T GO INTO GRAD STUDIES!!!  I just wanted to tell them to suck it the fuck up, find another way to make ends meet. It would have come out kind of like, "You have an engineering degree.  If you want to be paid fairly, go out and be a fucking engineer, not a self-entitled whiny grad student bitch. Go out and try a real job for a bit...then come and complain to me.  It's called "life". It's not fair.  Suck it up and move the fuck on."
I work 3 part-time jobs to try and make ends meet.  I'm exhausted and cranky.  I don't wanna hear how you're not getting paid enough and fees are going up.  Find a solution or get the fuck out of Dodge. End of story.

I honestly don't know where I'm going with this.  I think I'm just fed up and exhausted.  I'm also at the listening end of a lot of poorly thought out complaints (code for whining). Fuck. 

Wanting vs. Needing

(I had started writing this Wednesday evening...but a lot has happened between now and then....so the focus may shift....slightly....)

It's another "relationship" post.  (This is your disclaimer.)

Last Friday night, I was introduced to this TED talk. I was drunk when I first watched it, but after another sober(ish) viewing, I'm still a fan.

There's an argument around the 5:18 mark where the Dr. Perel says "Fire needs air".  She then goes on to discuss responses to the question: "When are you most drawn to your partner?" There are two common answers, when they're away or there's distance, and when they're at their most confident and in their element, but I'm viewing them from a comfortable distance.

I can whole-heartedly agree.

She also mentions that there's no neediness in desire.  Wanting someone is one thing, but needing is another.  I'd rather be wanted than needed.

I received a message from someone whom I thought I'd never hear from again (someone I was attracted to...and still attracted to, to be honest) and it sparked a conversation with some of my friends the other day....on want vs. need.

With that, I'm starting to prioritize my wants....and separate them from my needs.

I want to do my own thing.  Also, I never want to prevent someone else from being able to do their own thing.  I want the devotion (as a friend of mine put it) of someone...and knowing that although they could be half-way around the world doing their own thing, and I'm on this half doing mine, we're still whole-heartedly devoted to one another.  It's going to take work.  No one said life was easy...but when I get down to it....that's what I really want.  Both key elements of "desire" as Perel discusses is what I truly want.  I want someone who's confident in their own abilities...and someone who's willing to try and make our relationship work while we're both building on our own abilities, maybe on opposite ends of the globe.

After the last couple days though (here's where the "after Wednesday element" comes into play), I'm truly exhausted after being on my own, doing my own thing (and succeeding at the most important parts), and kicking ass.  Being independent, intelligent, ambitious, and driven is really hard. I just want a cheering section to keep me from crumbling some days (today in particular).

I've received some pretty nasty e-mails over the last couple days about how some individuals don't agree with how I performed a specific job I was asked to do.  Honestly, I want to turn it around on them and tell them that if they think I did so poorly, I will gladly give them the ability to do this job next year.

I don't know how I can let a few people really get to me....and I don't think having someone as "my better half" will help me out. I can see how having someone to support me no matter what will be really nice right now....but this time I guess I have to do it on my own.  It sucks.

I'm also really torn about an event coming up in the next week...directly having something to do with this Job I'm being called on.  I feel like I should go, because I'm a visible part of the organization and it would be more of a PR service than anything.  I don't want to go because I feel like I have a target on my back after the last couple of days, I'm not receiving any of the awards presented (of which I'm a little peeved because I honestly think someone else dropped the ball)....and I don't have a date...so I'll be facing all this on my own again.

It may seem trivial, but for this one night next week...I don't want to be on my own.