Wanting vs. Needing

(I had started writing this Wednesday evening...but a lot has happened between now and then....so the focus may shift....slightly....)

It's another "relationship" post.  (This is your disclaimer.)

Last Friday night, I was introduced to this TED talk. I was drunk when I first watched it, but after another sober(ish) viewing, I'm still a fan.

There's an argument around the 5:18 mark where the Dr. Perel says "Fire needs air".  She then goes on to discuss responses to the question: "When are you most drawn to your partner?" There are two common answers, when they're away or there's distance, and when they're at their most confident and in their element, but I'm viewing them from a comfortable distance.

I can whole-heartedly agree.

She also mentions that there's no neediness in desire.  Wanting someone is one thing, but needing is another.  I'd rather be wanted than needed.

I received a message from someone whom I thought I'd never hear from again (someone I was attracted to...and still attracted to, to be honest) and it sparked a conversation with some of my friends the other day....on want vs. need.

With that, I'm starting to prioritize my wants....and separate them from my needs.

I want to do my own thing.  Also, I never want to prevent someone else from being able to do their own thing.  I want the devotion (as a friend of mine put it) of someone...and knowing that although they could be half-way around the world doing their own thing, and I'm on this half doing mine, we're still whole-heartedly devoted to one another.  It's going to take work.  No one said life was easy...but when I get down to it....that's what I really want.  Both key elements of "desire" as Perel discusses is what I truly want.  I want someone who's confident in their own abilities...and someone who's willing to try and make our relationship work while we're both building on our own abilities, maybe on opposite ends of the globe.

After the last couple days though (here's where the "after Wednesday element" comes into play), I'm truly exhausted after being on my own, doing my own thing (and succeeding at the most important parts), and kicking ass.  Being independent, intelligent, ambitious, and driven is really hard. I just want a cheering section to keep me from crumbling some days (today in particular).

I've received some pretty nasty e-mails over the last couple days about how some individuals don't agree with how I performed a specific job I was asked to do.  Honestly, I want to turn it around on them and tell them that if they think I did so poorly, I will gladly give them the ability to do this job next year.

I don't know how I can let a few people really get to me....and I don't think having someone as "my better half" will help me out. I can see how having someone to support me no matter what will be really nice right now....but this time I guess I have to do it on my own.  It sucks.

I'm also really torn about an event coming up in the next week...directly having something to do with this Job I'm being called on.  I feel like I should go, because I'm a visible part of the organization and it would be more of a PR service than anything.  I don't want to go because I feel like I have a target on my back after the last couple of days, I'm not receiving any of the awards presented (of which I'm a little peeved because I honestly think someone else dropped the ball)....and I don't have a date...so I'll be facing all this on my own again.

It may seem trivial, but for this one night next week...I don't want to be on my own.