WARNING: THIS POST DEALS WITH THE SENSITIVE SUBJECT AND COULD BE TAKEN AS OFFENSIVE TO SOME READERS. I DO NOT INTEND TO OFFEND ANYONE. THIS IS ONLY THE WORLD AS I SEE IT, AND I HAD MY EYES OPENED AND PERSPECTIVE BROADENED TODAY.
Today I had a self-revelation. It happened right after my Fracture and Dislocation class. As far as material goes, I love this class. I love breaking stuff, figuring out why it broke, seeing if it can be improved, understanding dislocation theory, mechanics of materials, all that wonderful stuff. I'm not sure if I'm so comfortable in that class though, not because the environment is hostile. The environment is anything but hostile, the prof has a lot of good will and really wants to teach well and the students are polite and want to do well (we're all grad students....we kind of HAVE to do well to be eligible for scholarships and stuff). There's a lot of intelligent conversation that goes on and a lot of good ideas get sparked and explored. Hell, we're even missing that almost essential annoying person who asks a stupid question every 5 minutes, you know, the one that sits in the front row and insists that their (stupid) ideas are the most important ones and wastes everyone's class time while being completely oblivious to the fact that they're an idiot.....yeah we're missing that kid. As far as that, this class is damned-near perfect.
The only issue that I have is that I'm uncomfortable when I sit in class, and even seem to sit alone. I'm the only white kid in the class. I knew this would happen eventually, with over 2/3 of the grad students at the U of S being International Students, but I didn't think it would happen right off the bat. Mostly I'm uncomfortable because the differences in culture are really apparent. I'm not going to elaborate on them, but they're there. I have no problem with it really, just that I seem to sit in class and it's apparent that I'm the ONLY white kid. Some days I feel pretty alone in class.
Now, don't get me wrong, I've had this feeling of "only one" before....hell, I had to face it EVERY DAY when I was out in industry. I even had to go out of my way to prove my worth some days because of it. I was the only lady engineer in our office. There's been lots of situations where I've been the only girl. In some classes I attended as an undergrad I was one of few girls. In ME 313 I was endearlingly known and "the other girl". I've come to accept it. I'm a minority in my field....sometimes literally. Hell, I've even turned it around and have felt quite EMPOWERED because I was the only girl. I've gotten scholarships because I've been a girl. It was easy to feel high-and-mighty when you felt like you had to prove something to the world. It was easy to get wrapped up in being a minority.
I didn't feel empowered after my ME 898 class today. I felt like more of the outcast. Normally I don't speak up in class, I'm scared to for fear that I'll be told "You're an idiot! You have no idea what I'm trying to talk about". I don't like to stay after class either. I tend to feel that I'm wasting the Prof's time. I don't know why, it's just my reality, or at least my perception of my reality. Today, I couldn't get out of class quick enough and I sure as hell didn't want to speak up. It just felt weird and uncomfortable being the only "white kid".
When I sit back and look at it, although I've been exposed to a wide variety of cultures, I've never really been immersed in it, at least not the way I see it. I grew up in Swift Current, a generally homogeneous "white community". We'd have the odd doctor or dentist or other professional who'd settle down in town who immigrated from where-have-you, but they were always removed by one degree. When I went through Agriculture, it was the same situation. We were mostly white farm kids from similar backgrounds and no real immersion in other cultures, besides the "once removed" situation. When I went through Engineering, it was a similar story. Although there were more International Students, it feels like I never really interacted with them and kept them in the "once removed" situation. I think I'm having a hard time adjusting because I can't play the "once removed" card again. I have to suck it up and deal. I'm immersed.
I really have no problem with it, or at least on the surface I have no problem with it. I can't say that I have "no problems" with the issue when I leave class feeling uncomfortable and out of place though. I guess I have no problems on the surface, it must be something that sits deeper in my soul. Outwardly, I'm not a racist person. I like to think that my parents did a good job of raising me and taught me to be tolerant, understanding, open-minded and all those good things. I'm more than eager to learn about someone or something different, mainly because it's unique and challenges my view of the world. I think that uniqueness makes each one of us special (which explains on why I embrace my quirks, they make me feel validated and special). I think that's why I'm having such a hard time accepting that I'm uncomfortable in my ME 898 class, mostly because I really don't think I have a full understanding of why I'm so uncomfortable, or even if it's worth making an issue out of it.
Although I'll never have a full understanding of what it's like to be an International Student, or someone from a different race or culture (at least not at this point in my life), looking from where my mind is sitting right now and how I see the issue, I like to think that I have a little more understanding of at least what it's like to be immersed in a different or variety of cultures.
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