When pop culture starts to relate to your research things get...interesting.

I've been holding on to the ideas in this post since a little NYT article kept popping up on my FB feed last week.  I also ended up discussing it with some friends over drinks and post-Comprehensive exam (not mine....I don't have to write a Comp...Thank the Gods) banter.  We needed something gossipy to lighten the mood, but being grad students, gossip slowly turned into a full-on ethic and health care conversation.

I'm still not sure where I stand on the issue, but I think putting all this out there and maybe building some discussion might help sort out my thoughts and opinions.

Angelina Jolie's Double Mastectomy.  Yeah, totally didn't see that one coming.  From the public eye, this is a big deal.  Here THE lady, the source of most wet dreams (male and female...thank-you Lara Croft), deciding to have a preventative (and what I feel may have been elective...but more on that later) surgery to remove both her breasts because she knew that she carries the BRCA1 gene--a gene that as closely linked to breast cancer as smoking is linked to lung cancer. Honestly, from a pop-culture perspective, her curves (her acting is pretty good too, but let's be honest here--we're a visual society) are what made her famous...and now she's had them lobbed off.

Now, if I were her publicist, I would have strongly encouraged her to write this article.  Although I've never had cancer, I have experience being the support system for friends and family going through the experience. (In fact, one of the funniest blogs I've EVER READ is written by one of my best friends going through stem-cell treatment in Seattle right now.  Excellent writer. Stand-up dude.)

Support may come in the the weirdest places, and for some patients, this could be a push or inspiration that gets them through. Everyone's experience is a little bit different, and I acknowledge that this could help some patients get over the hump (poorly-used pun intended).
Here's an international sex symbol, electing to cut off the body parts that helped make her famous, all in the "battle" for cancer.  Big deal.

Now, I use the "battle" term loosely because she never actually had cancer.  This was preventative--nothing more. She's in the same position as I am (except with a lot more money in a privatized health care system...a good place to be within a crummy deal). She's seen others suffer through a terrible disease (which sucks), lost some close family members (supreme suckage), and wants to make sure that she'll be there for her family in the future (noble).  She was not diagnosed with cancer, her body has never fought cancer.  Same as me and mine.


The double mastectomy, in my opinion, was elective...not preventative.  (I'll talk about the reconstructive surgery that followed later...promise.)

I'm still on the hunt for articles to help build my case (so posting this may have been preemptive at best), but a couple have come across my feed to help me feel more comfortable with my opinions.

This one is excellent in helping to build my case, because it addresses some of my concerns.
To summarize:

• This situation is not relevant to 99% of women.  The BRCA1 and BRCA2 mutations are very rare.  Although these genes are strongly linked to the likelihood of developing breast cancer, the actual application of this case to the average person is strongly unlikely. Trust me, you're average.
• Preventative medicine is a good thing.  But right now, we don't know enough about the BRCA1/2 mutations to make fully researched and validated screening recommendations, let alone impose a new screening procedure.  I agree, and this is why I LOVE the Health Science field.  There's so much more to discover and understand...but the public needs to be patient.  Rome wasn't built in a day. 

I have other concerns that were not addressed in this article.  I'm still hunting for sources.

• Just because you have the BRCA1/2 mutation does not certainly mean that you will develop breast cancer. Risk is an interesting statistical concept.  The actual risk factor population-wide is difficult to determine, because each patient is different. In Jolie's article, she writes that she had an 87% chance of getting breast cancer. Now my question: Is it significant? Answer: We don't know.  I think this was a pretty drastic action for a "We don't know."
• The BRCA1/2 mutations don't simply affect a woman's breasts. Other sex organs are affected, like the ovaries.  Something to consider...which was briefly brought up in Jolie's article but not strongly addressed...if you're going to go to the trouble to remove your breasts, you might as well go through the hysterectomy as well.  If you're going to be sure, be REALLY SURE.  This brings up a bigger question: Where do we stop? I'm not going to answer that one, again because we don't yet know enough. 
• After Ms. Jolie's breasts have been removed, is there still a chance that other tissues will be affected?  I think the answer could be yes.  She had the target tissue removed, not the BRCA1/2 gene...the "root cause" is still within her biological system. Again, we don't know if other tissues could be at risk once the breasts have been removed.  I'm not an expert in molecular biology, but from a materials perspective living tissue is still living tissue.  Other parts of her body with similar composition (perhaps the thyroid) could be at risk. Should she be concerned about the possibility of other cancers?  I think so.
• What about the reconstructive surgery and the imposition that it may place on the system?  I'm not an expert in public health policy, and I honestly don't intend to be; but I'd like to build an understanding of the field.  In Canada, after a body-altering surgery like this, the reconstructive surgery is not considered cosmetic. (I think...please correct me if I'm wrong. This is where the post-Comps conversation Tuesday comes into play. I have a reasonable source on this, but I want to make sure.)  My understanding is because of the psychological benefits, should the patient decide to have reconstructive surgery, then the Canadian Health Care system will "cover it". I use this term loosely because I'm still uncertain on the details. I have no idea how this would be dealt with in a privatized system, but I think it opens up a whole other can of worms that needs to be addressed.

There's a lot of "We don't know"'s in Jolie's case.  Still too many for me to firm up my position and support the wide publicity and likely over-interpretation of something that doesn't apply to the "average".  Is it worth the pomp and circumstance?  I think so.  Even if only one patient has found a little bit of hope...it's worth it.  Is it worth developing a screening program? Yes, but not until we know more, much more.

I'm still hunting.  Maybe that's the researcher or the engineer in me...never really satisfied until I'm certain.  In Health Sciences, the cool thing is that we're never "certain", only "strongly convinced".  There's always that outlier that skews the data, the 0.1% that reacts to the PAX and turns into a Reaver. (OK, so it's a made-up scenario from the Firefly 'Verse, but there are cases exactly like this in the real-world...I just wanted to be a little light-hearted...gimme a break.)

Point being, as professionals working in the Health Sciences field, we have to understand the issues as best we can, but when putting it in practice remember that each patient is different...each risk is different...and honestly, I don't think we'll ever be certain. I guess that's what makes life interesting.

Rockstar: Dena +1

Yes, I do have other posts on the back-burner...some that require a little bit of research to support my "opinions", but it's Friday afternoon and I just came from a pretty exciting meeting with my Thesis Supervisors...and I really don't want to write anything more that requires research--and I need to get this out before I explode. 

I'm actually starting to believe that I'm "awesome". 

I've never really believed it, even though my friends keeps telling me I'm "awesome", and people keep me in their networks because I'm "awesome", but I've never really believed it.  I know I'm a "good person", but never to the extreme of "awesome".  After today's meeting, I'm starting to believe, just a little bit, that I'm pretty awesome. 

I have two really amazing (I was going to type 'awesome' but quickly hit the delete button--gotta switch it up for writing's sake) supervisors.  Like, really amazing. 
They work really well together (which is essential when you have to manage two 'bosses', when in most cases one is more than enough), they value me as a team member (given my experience in the 'real world', THIS IS HUGE), they push me to think a little deeper (which usually ends up with me working in circles--but that helps me reaffirm what I know, in a twisted-OCD-kind-of-way), and they're not afraid to let me fail or stumble around frustrated in the dark for a little bit (which is sadly how I learn my best lessons).

I'm wondering what I did in previous lives to end up in such a wonderful position.
How did I end up working with such great (and incredibly smart) people?
How did I end up researching something I love so much?  (I don't care what anyone says, bone is fucking FASCINATING!!)
How did I end up working with the Vet College in a side project?
How did I end up being scouted to start up a lab even before I finished my PhD?
How the fuck did I get into a PhD program!!??

I went into today's meeting with a cluster-fuck of ideas.  Kind of like I took all the "brilliance" in my brain, smashed it into a schedule, and wished that it would work.

I came out of today's meeting, still with the "brilliant" ideas, but now they're starting to fit into a plan...a plan that makes sense and I should realistically be able to finish in 3 years.  HUGE! 

If I can pull this all off, it might just affirm that I actually am awesome.

My apologies.

Sorry I haven't posted during any of April. 

Honestly, I have no idea where the bloody month went.  I think I spent most of it hiding under a rock because people are stupid (long story, of which I will not blog for reasons of privacy).

Right now though, I have about 3 or 4 posts percolating in my noggin, and they'll all come out in due time.  Some sooner than others. Timeliness is a factor I guess.

I'll have something Friday....after my "planning meeting" with my PhD supervisors. 

I'm not sure how you can realistically plan the next three years of your life (as well as the most important project in your career) in an hour-long meeting...but we're gonna try. 

I'm a Rockstar  (or, so I've heard). We can do this.

No one's forcing you to be here...

I've had this post up my sleeve for quite some time. Over the past couple weeks, there's been a few events that have brought this idea back to my frontal brain...and I feel like a good rant.

In some fields having a graduate-level degree is helpful.  In engineering (in general) it's perhaps not so helpful...and in some cases can even hinder you.  The cases of which I'm venting have to do with some grad students I've encountered in engineering. 

In my (limited) experience, people choose to do grad studies more because they "want to", not because they "have to". I'd like to think that we're there because we want to be, knowing that we should be able to get an engineering job in industry...anywhere really if you're willing to settle (quite a bit) for your first placement.  The jobs are out there...you just can't have high expectations.  Also, there's no shame in getting a service or retail job to hold you off until you find that engineering job. A job's a job's a job.

I'm also under the assumption that no one is doing grad studies "for the money".  Grad studies is not something you do because you're being lucratively paid....if that's the case...then....well....it's never the case. If you want to be reasonably monetarily compensated for your effort and time....don't go into grad studies.  Hell....don't even stay in academia. (You move into academic administration...but that's another argument for another time.)

Bottom line: you have to make some trade-offs and you come to accept it. The sooner, the better. Life lesson - Making Adjustments.

These are some of my observations of a couple of cases where I don't think the thought or concept of understanding "trade-off" was the case.

WARNING: Get a beer, it's gonna be a long one.  (I'm getting one.  It'll help the process. Trust me.)

WARNING^2: If you don't like opinions, stop reading.  There's a lot of opinions.  They're mine.  You may not like them.

Case Study #1 has to do with an individual who was in our research group and has recently left (...and while letting this post stew for an additional couple of weeks they didn't like the group they left for...and tried to get back into our group...unsuccessfully...and for what I think is good reason...I digress...). 
All of our projects are intermingled in one way or another.  Although their leaving won't immediately jeopardize my project (it may in the long-term, but because I'm just starting out I have enough time to plan around it), it has jeopardized at least two other individuals in our group.  Right now, we're scrambling to try and make it work. I'm disappointed because we scouted out this person and brought them halfway across the world, because they had what we thought we were looking for and they seemed willing to work with us....at least that's how it started out.

I haven't spoken to them since they've left (because I've been too busy doing my own productive thing...and 2 weeks later after the new development, I really don't want to talk to them), so I don't know the entire story. Expectations may have been out of joint, or it could have simply been a personality conflict.  I don't know. What I'm going to express is only my side of a very big picture.

My immediate supervisor is a young supervisor - I was his first student to finish a program.  We're a team just starting out, so we're all learning how to go through this together.  It requires some flexibility, some understanding, and a lot of patience.  It's not without growing pains, but we all walk away from the situation learning something.  Honestly, I think this is the most valuable part of my grad program.  Someday, I'll be supervising people in academia...and if I'm not there to be a part of those growing pains, I'm never going to learn from them.  I'd rather have a supervisor who's not perfect where I can learn leadership techniques as well as SCIENCE, than one who's supervised so many students that they just don't care.

Another reason I really like my supervisors is because they give me A LOT of freedom to make my project my own, and a lot of freedom to make my own mistakes.  If you're not a self-starter or driven....our group is not the group for you...hell, research is not for you either.  Yeah, sure I was "given" my direction on the first day, but my final Master's project looked nothing like the project I was given...and it was mostly because I chose my own direction. I expect the same with my PhD project.  What I come out with at the end is not going to look anything like what I'm expecting to start with, and I think most of it will be because of the direction I'm choosing to go with.  I think that's another part of the learning process...the "I don't see why you need a baby-sitter" part.  I think some people learn this lesson at different paces than others.

I think the supervisory technique was part of the reason why this individual left our group.  I think their expectations were out of wack. I think they were expecting to BE TOLD what the direction of their project was going to be, instead of independently thinking out what they want to explore...or where the field is lacking.  This person had a BIG opening to play with - like SCIENCE never ever performed - and I don't think they rose to the occasion.  A PhD isn't going to be easy.  If they were, they'd just be handing them out...like BA's.  If they were easy, there wouldn't be a near 50% incompletion rate. The problem is bigger than expectations...but I think that's a conversation for another post.

Bottom line, I think this individual felt entitled when they shouldn't have. No one was forcing them to stay here.  They've left the group, but they're still pursuing a PhD as far as I know (recent events since initial writing may have changed this a bit).  I don't think their expectations have changed any...and disappointment might just follow. I guess I can step back at this point and say "Not my fucking problem."

I do have hard feelings.  Their leaving has screwed our group over, just a little bit.  Enough to become inconvenient.

Case Study #2 has to do with a conversation I had with a grad student in engineering about fees and tuition increasing disproportionately to the rate of pay.  I honestly wanted to tell them to suck it up or get out, but I had to be all diplomatic and shit at the risk of escalating the situation for someone else. Fuck.

Again, if you want to be paid fairly for your work...DON'T GO INTO GRAD STUDIES!!!  I just wanted to tell them to suck it the fuck up, find another way to make ends meet. It would have come out kind of like, "You have an engineering degree.  If you want to be paid fairly, go out and be a fucking engineer, not a self-entitled whiny grad student bitch. Go out and try a real job for a bit...then come and complain to me.  It's called "life". It's not fair.  Suck it up and move the fuck on."
I work 3 part-time jobs to try and make ends meet.  I'm exhausted and cranky.  I don't wanna hear how you're not getting paid enough and fees are going up.  Find a solution or get the fuck out of Dodge. End of story.

I honestly don't know where I'm going with this.  I think I'm just fed up and exhausted.  I'm also at the listening end of a lot of poorly thought out complaints (code for whining). Fuck. 

Wanting vs. Needing

(I had started writing this Wednesday evening...but a lot has happened between now and then....so the focus may shift....slightly....)

It's another "relationship" post.  (This is your disclaimer.)

Last Friday night, I was introduced to this TED talk. I was drunk when I first watched it, but after another sober(ish) viewing, I'm still a fan.

There's an argument around the 5:18 mark where the Dr. Perel says "Fire needs air".  She then goes on to discuss responses to the question: "When are you most drawn to your partner?" There are two common answers, when they're away or there's distance, and when they're at their most confident and in their element, but I'm viewing them from a comfortable distance.

I can whole-heartedly agree.

She also mentions that there's no neediness in desire.  Wanting someone is one thing, but needing is another.  I'd rather be wanted than needed.

I received a message from someone whom I thought I'd never hear from again (someone I was attracted to...and still attracted to, to be honest) and it sparked a conversation with some of my friends the other day....on want vs. need.

With that, I'm starting to prioritize my wants....and separate them from my needs.

I want to do my own thing.  Also, I never want to prevent someone else from being able to do their own thing.  I want the devotion (as a friend of mine put it) of someone...and knowing that although they could be half-way around the world doing their own thing, and I'm on this half doing mine, we're still whole-heartedly devoted to one another.  It's going to take work.  No one said life was easy...but when I get down to it....that's what I really want.  Both key elements of "desire" as Perel discusses is what I truly want.  I want someone who's confident in their own abilities...and someone who's willing to try and make our relationship work while we're both building on our own abilities, maybe on opposite ends of the globe.

After the last couple days though (here's where the "after Wednesday element" comes into play), I'm truly exhausted after being on my own, doing my own thing (and succeeding at the most important parts), and kicking ass.  Being independent, intelligent, ambitious, and driven is really hard. I just want a cheering section to keep me from crumbling some days (today in particular).

I've received some pretty nasty e-mails over the last couple days about how some individuals don't agree with how I performed a specific job I was asked to do.  Honestly, I want to turn it around on them and tell them that if they think I did so poorly, I will gladly give them the ability to do this job next year.

I don't know how I can let a few people really get to me....and I don't think having someone as "my better half" will help me out. I can see how having someone to support me no matter what will be really nice right now....but this time I guess I have to do it on my own.  It sucks.

I'm also really torn about an event coming up in the next week...directly having something to do with this Job I'm being called on.  I feel like I should go, because I'm a visible part of the organization and it would be more of a PR service than anything.  I don't want to go because I feel like I have a target on my back after the last couple of days, I'm not receiving any of the awards presented (of which I'm a little peeved because I honestly think someone else dropped the ball)....and I don't have a date...so I'll be facing all this on my own again.

It may seem trivial, but for this one night next week...I don't want to be on my own. 

Unreasonable Emotional Attachment? I Don't Think So.

Last week my parents bought a new 4-Runner.  This is both good and bad news for me.  Good because I will now get their "old" 4-Runner. By "old", I mean 2009, which is by no means old, but much newer than the 1993 model that I drive right now.  It'll be retired.  That's the bad news.

Don't get me wrong, I really appreciate all their help and actually kind of look forward to getting a newer, more reliable vehicle for "dirt cheap" - but I'm really gonna miss the Ol' Girl that I drive right now. 

It's kind of bittersweet.  Common sense says Level Up, but my heart says...well...yeah....I'm not sure how to put what my heart says into words. (That's another entirely new problem.)

I love my Ol' Girl.  Just keep everything maintained and her gas tank full and she'll get you where you need to go.  There may be a little trouble along the way, but I know her inside and out....and so far I've been able to fix all the immediate issues that need fixin'.  Ol' Girl is kind of like Serenity, she needs a little lovin' every once in a while, but if you know what needs workin' and where to be lookin', she'll tell ya what's worth fixin'. 

She's perfect for what I need.  I don't do a lot of driving...period.  Maybe once or twice a week, and usually to school and errands.  Very little highway driving; even fewer gravel roads. But when I need to drive, she's there.  Ready to go.  Fires right up.

I KNOW that vehicle.  I know where exactly all her corners are...I haven't hit a thing yet.  I know how tight to turn the steering wheel before the power steering starts to leak.  I know how to rev her up to get rid of the cold-start fan belt squeal. I know that the fan doesn't always work, and how to get it going.  I know that the back window won't go down if it's colder than -15.  I know how hard to push her on the highway to keep her gas mileage at optimum (...not any faster than 105). When I'm driving her, she's almost like an extension of myself.  I keep her full of gas, her oil and miscellaneous fluids up to date and she gets me where I gots to go.  It's wonderful.  (She even dealt really well when Dad and I tried to jump a relay to keep the defog working....)

I'm not sure how I feel about trading her in for a fresher, newer, more reliable model. 

Also, everything is manual on her: windows, locks, 4x4...even the transmission.  Not just anyone can jump in and get her to go.  You gotta know what you're doing.

Manual everything.  Another reason why I love Ol' Girl so much.  When she's broken, she's easy to fix.

On the newer model, everything I've come to love being manual....is electric.  If something breaks, it means a trip to the shop, or learning how to hack the computer. I'm not sure how my toolbox will feel about this.

Dad asked me to think about selling Ol' Girl.  That's where I'm really torn.  She's not worth much...just tires (new last spring), battery (new this winter), and spare parts (engine has 420 000kms on it).  I know I won't get what she's worth. 

Also, I don't want to sell her to just anyone.  She needs a good home.  Selling her is kind of like realizing that you need to sell your "old reliable" saddle horse that taught you how to ride...only because you don't have enough feed for everyone this winter.  You have to let him go, but you don't want him ending up at just any ranch.  You want him to go to the family with the tiny human who's just learning how to ride; so he'll teach that tiny human how to be a better cowpoke.  You know that you could leave your kid on that horse, and he'll always end up at home at the end of the day....even if there is a little bit of trouble along the way. Ol' Girl is just like that.  I know I'll end up at home, there just might be a little bit of trouble along the way.  Trouble that I have no problem getting out of.

I want Ol' Girl to go to a kid who wants to learn how to maintain a vehicle.  A kid who's just learning about driving, engines, all that good stuff and needs a vehicle that's seen a lot, but will teach them a lot along the way.  Honestly, I don't think that kids like that exist anymore.  When a kid turns 16, it seems like they expect their parents to get them something brand-spanking-new.  Something with bells and whistles.  Not something that they can learn with. 


I'm planning on making the switch-out in April, when I'm home for Easter. I'm going to keep a piece of her to put in my "treasure box".  I still haven't decided what part that'll be; it's going to be small but significant. It'll be a really sad day.

Adventures in Mechanical Testing - Part 2 (Otherwise known as "Pick Your Battles")

Day 10 of Mechanical Testing and things are still moving reasonably tickety-boo (knock on wood).

Yeah, there's been set-backs and nothing has gone over perfectly, but it's mechanical testing and research.  I've come to understand why Stewart was so mind-numbingly calm whenever something went terribly wrong.  I guess he had to be.  With all the things that could possibly go wrong (and all the things that did), it would take too much energy to get excited about every little "oops".  Even the little "oops"'s are wearing thin on the Vet Resident.  She has a tendency to get freaked out about little things, but I think she's learning not to get freaked out unless I get freaked out.  Honestly, I don't have the energy to get freaked out. Freaking out is exhausting.

I'm about as calm as the Vet "Attending" (if you want to call him that). I saw him for the first time in a little over a week on Thursday.  He called me the "Instrumentation Elf".  We have a system, and within it I'm completely ubiquitous and anonymous. They text me when there's legs to strain gauge, I go over and gauge them, then I go back to the test or to my office.  In and out.  No fuss, no muss.  It's almost like I'm not even there....they leave me legs (like cookies) and I gauge them and bolt (like Santa leaving presents). He wasn't even worried that there was something wrong.  He figured that everything was going as well as it could until he heard from me.  He's right.

This whole process has me thinking about how it's worth picking your battles.  Yeah, gauges have failed, legs haven't quite been set correctly, and the list goes on and on; but if I got even a little bit upset about every little thing that went wrong, I'd be even more exhausted than I already am.

Brings me to discuss another battle that should have been wisely chosen....but wasn't.

There's a GSA Referendum coming up, and as GSA Council Chair, it also makes me CRO for the referendum aka a lot of work at the worst possible time.

Long-story-short: There was a misprint in the Sheaf; student in charge of campaign panicked; asked me how the problem should be solved.  Frankly, the Sheaf's inability to check facts or proof-read is not our problem.

My proposed solution - Write them a letter, tell them they fucked up and move on.
I told the student that this would be done, and no more...because it's not worth getting excited over.  She panicked - "What if people vote on the wrong day? Should we put up posters? Send a mass e-mail? Change the referendum date?"
I told her to STFU and CTFD (calm the fuck down)....but not in that many words.  That would get me into trouble.

True her concerns were warranted, but this wasn't worth picking a battle over.  An oversight on your part does not make an emergency on mine. It was a problem worth solving, not a problem worth wasting energy and getting excited over.

Funny how my life seems to overlap itself....like an after school special.  Weird.