This post stems from a recent conversation I had with one of my students (turned coffee buddy) earlier this week.
She was "studying" down the hall from my office (I use the term studying loosely because although there were open books, there was a lot of laughter...I'm assuming they were "on a break") and I had a few moments, so in typical Dena-fashion I stopped to have a quick chat.
She asked how I was doing and I gave out an exhaustive sigh and replied, "I'm a little stressed and I kind of want to kill myself, but otherwise it's all good." She then went on to express about midterms and stress and stuff....we laughed. She then asked when I was planning on finishing up.
I replied with, "Maybe 3 more years, but likely 4 or 5."
"But, you just said that you want to kill yourself. You're signing up for more?"
"Well, yeah. I guess there's a few reasons. I don't want to give up my project to any idiot who decides to get a graduate degree. I'm too invested in it and I love it too much to just pass it off. Also, I willingly haven't taken a sick day in 2 years."
"But don't you miss those? I mean, they're kind of there to help you out."
"Yeah, but at then end of my stint in industry, I was looking for pretty much any excuse to stay home sick. As stressed out as I am, I still work when I'm sick; I just love what I do so much."
We chatted for a bit more about other stuff...like Profs., and shoes, and committees, and assignments; I left the conversation feeling pretty self-validated as to why I decide to put myself through this "torture" every day.
I haven't taken a legit "sick day" in 2 years. I could not go to work, jump on a plane and take a holiday for a whole month and no one would really notice. For some reason I still decide to do write or do research on days where I could (and probably should) call in sick. During my last few months in industry, I was looking for every little excuse that would get me out of driving into the office for a day or two. I think my health is currently worse (remember that stint of pneumonia in September, well I'm still in and out of sore throats and coughing bouts since then), but I'm so driven to do what I need to do that I don't even notice that perhaps some days I shouldn't even be working because I'm not thinking clearly. Those days show up in editing, trust me.
Here's where perspective comes in. I'm way more stressed and busy than I was 2 years ago, but I'm a sadist who enjoys it...maybe. Either way, I'm not finding excuses to avoid working. This is kind of huge....because I'm innately lazy some days.
I guess that's a sign that you're exactly where you need to be at whatever point in life you're at--when you enjoy what you're doing and not looking for excuses to avoid work. It's slowly starting to make sense.
Saturday, November 10, 2012
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Science talks??
I didn't forget about blogging, time is just a hot commodity these days.
I still have a few too many things on the go, but somehow manage to balance them all:
Over the last couple of weeks, I found a really neat little website with some really neat ideas. It's TED related, and it's one of my many quick shots of "intelligent" when I have a *facepalm* "Why is the world SO STUPID day!?". The other is this YouTube channel - I usually go to it when I have some jackass pushing religion or lack of religion on me and I need a little dose of "science philosophy". This one's my favorite. Here's another "Bill Nye Thought", but I think it makes a really good point.
But back to TED Ed. I found this little gem that still manages to blow my mind every time I watch it - I've watched it about 7 or 8 times...:S I'm not sure why it doesn't quite compute, and I've had this conversation with my physicist friends. I understand the concept of infinity and how to come up with and infinite group, but I think where I'm stuck is that the engineer in me sees little practical application of it. I could sound hard-headed here, but the concepts in this little video seem more like mental masturbation than practical thought. Whatever, I still keep watching it.....like a drug almost.
Note: I purposely linked to pages instead of embedding videos. Explore these pages, I can spend hours on them, just listening, and I think you could too.
I still have a few too many things on the go, but somehow manage to balance them all:
- Thesis editing (The beast has been tamed - I think.)
- Mechanical testing (Still trying to get a hold of this animal (pun intended)- doing something for the first time EVER is incredibly frustrating, especially when you're eye-balling most of it.)
- CLS tours and side projects (They keep piling on, but I'm happy to take on the challenge - it's fun that I actually get paid for and they're a great crowd to work with.)
- Tutoring, mostly writing (Although commitment is minimal, here's where the majority of my frustration lies. My idiot threshold is pretty low, and those who write poorly tend to push the limits.)
- Personal life....oh, wait...that one's come to a screeching halt. I've come to realize that Friday night with 2 puppies and a good book are just fine for me right now. I may be a shut-in, but I'm at the point where I deal with people enough during my day that I want to recharge my batteries with my own company. (I have a feeling I might end up looking for ideas related to "extrovert turned introvert" or something like that because right now, I'm perfectly fine just entertaining myself.)
Over the last couple of weeks, I found a really neat little website with some really neat ideas. It's TED related, and it's one of my many quick shots of "intelligent" when I have a *facepalm* "Why is the world SO STUPID day!?". The other is this YouTube channel - I usually go to it when I have some jackass pushing religion or lack of religion on me and I need a little dose of "science philosophy". This one's my favorite. Here's another "Bill Nye Thought", but I think it makes a really good point.
But back to TED Ed. I found this little gem that still manages to blow my mind every time I watch it - I've watched it about 7 or 8 times...:S I'm not sure why it doesn't quite compute, and I've had this conversation with my physicist friends. I understand the concept of infinity and how to come up with and infinite group, but I think where I'm stuck is that the engineer in me sees little practical application of it. I could sound hard-headed here, but the concepts in this little video seem more like mental masturbation than practical thought. Whatever, I still keep watching it.....like a drug almost.
Note: I purposely linked to pages instead of embedding videos. Explore these pages, I can spend hours on them, just listening, and I think you could too.
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Totally abandonned this thing again...
A lot has happened in the last month.
I do have a rant, but I'll save it for another post, mostly because it's not really related to "updates" in my life, but more of an expression of my really low "idiot threshold". Sometimes really smart people can ask really stupid questions and expect even more stupid answers, simply because they have no concept of independent thought.....Funny, but this time there is no relation to student politics.
Editing my marginal thesis is really slow-going. I wish I could blame most of it on being sick, but I think the bulk of my de-motivation is simply because editing is a tedious job. Not a fan, but at least the sucker is written and in the editing phase. It's hard to edit something that doesn't exist.
- Finished writing thesis - Check (4 weeks for 100 pages of marginal to ok goodness. I don't recommend that kind of torture on any one, but it goes to prove: Yes, you can write the large majority of a Master's Thesis in a little over a month.)
- Crashed after writing marginally good thesis - Check (40-degree fevers suck. Being sick for 3 weeks also sucks. That is all.)
- Left meeting with my supervisor feeling like a Rockstar after writing a marginally good thesis - Check (It doesn't happen very often, so I'm gonna bask in it while I can.)
- Started mechanical testing and breaking bones - Check (Weekends are now a figment of my imagination.)
- TA job - Uncheck (I'm totally broke because of it, but not stressed out about idiot undergrads. I'll consider it a WIN.)
- CLS job - Check (Being a returning student has it's perks; like being able to pick up extra hours training the new guides. Seeing as I'm broke, I'll also consider it a WIN.)
- GSA Council Chair - Check (Student politics is still painful beyond the undergrad level. Meetings don't get better, people still like the sound of their own voice, and stupid decisions are still made. At least as Chair, I get to tell people to shut up when they're saying stupid things and wasting our time. Also it's a paid position....so that helps ease the pain.)
I do have a rant, but I'll save it for another post, mostly because it's not really related to "updates" in my life, but more of an expression of my really low "idiot threshold". Sometimes really smart people can ask really stupid questions and expect even more stupid answers, simply because they have no concept of independent thought.....Funny, but this time there is no relation to student politics.
Editing my marginal thesis is really slow-going. I wish I could blame most of it on being sick, but I think the bulk of my de-motivation is simply because editing is a tedious job. Not a fan, but at least the sucker is written and in the editing phase. It's hard to edit something that doesn't exist.
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Yes, it's confirmed; I'm crazy (or at least a little bit).
This TED talk came across my "desk" today:
Yup, I'm a self-diagnosed psychopath. (I'm also going to say that I'm pretty sure there are a few more neuroses included in there, but I have yet to read a book on it....or take a test....which is apparently recommended.) I'm adding Ronson's "The Psychopath Test" to my list of books to read sometime soon.
We're all a little mad here. You're welcome.
Yup, I'm a self-diagnosed psychopath. (I'm also going to say that I'm pretty sure there are a few more neuroses included in there, but I have yet to read a book on it....or take a test....which is apparently recommended.) I'm adding Ronson's "The Psychopath Test" to my list of books to read sometime soon.
We're all a little mad here. You're welcome.
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
The edge of thirty
In light of the punny post title, here's a video (although not her best or most dramatic work, but it's a damn catchy song):
...and back to our regular scheduled program.
Tomorrow I turn 30. I'm not as freaked out as I thought I would be. I'm right in the middle of trying to complete the first draft of my thesis by September 14 (16 days, but actually only 11 working days because of prior commitments). I'm more freaked about the thesis than the aging, mostly because I'm only about 70% complete on the writing account, but still have to format and paginate the stupid thing...and that'll likely eat up an easy 2 days.
Thesis aside, I took the last drive home on the farm to "think about turning 30", mostly because my Grandpa died from cancer at 64. Although I'm not planning on having that happen to me, we can't plan that sort of stuff and I've hit nearly middle-age....sorta.
There's a song by Tim McGraw: "My Next 30 Years" (Yeah, it's a slide show, but you can browse the web while you listen...):
I thought a little about the lyrics, and that kind of sums up how I want to spend my next 30, with the experience of the previous 30 behind me.
I'm not going to read too deeply into the song though (clouded thesis brain). Maybe I'll just enjoy it for the sake of enjoying it, then reflecting when the world slows down again and I've had a feel for 30 for a couple weeks. Maybe it'll hit me then. Maybe not.
Hopefully it's all coasting or downhill from here.
...and back to our regular scheduled program.
Tomorrow I turn 30. I'm not as freaked out as I thought I would be. I'm right in the middle of trying to complete the first draft of my thesis by September 14 (16 days, but actually only 11 working days because of prior commitments). I'm more freaked about the thesis than the aging, mostly because I'm only about 70% complete on the writing account, but still have to format and paginate the stupid thing...and that'll likely eat up an easy 2 days.
Thesis aside, I took the last drive home on the farm to "think about turning 30", mostly because my Grandpa died from cancer at 64. Although I'm not planning on having that happen to me, we can't plan that sort of stuff and I've hit nearly middle-age....sorta.
There's a song by Tim McGraw: "My Next 30 Years" (Yeah, it's a slide show, but you can browse the web while you listen...):
I thought a little about the lyrics, and that kind of sums up how I want to spend my next 30, with the experience of the previous 30 behind me.
I'm not going to read too deeply into the song though (clouded thesis brain). Maybe I'll just enjoy it for the sake of enjoying it, then reflecting when the world slows down again and I've had a feel for 30 for a couple weeks. Maybe it'll hit me then. Maybe not.
Hopefully it's all coasting or downhill from here.
Friday, August 24, 2012
Reflections on the SoulPancake Challenge
I should probably be working on my thesis instead of blogging. I think I'm just really, Really, REALLY excited that I've finally reached a stage where I can start to see the light at the end of the tunnel of this hazing ritual...er...degree. I'm just not really keen of the speed at which I'll be reaching the bright light. Even if I'm close to half-finished, I only have a little over 3 weeks to pump out the rest. It's totally do-able if I apply myself, and it's only the 1st draft - so it doesn't need to be perfect. I just need to resist distractions. Ay, there's the rub.
Distraction. What? Bring on the SoulPancake Challenge. Although I wouldn't consider it a true distraction, because honestly any thinking is good thinking, it hasn't prevented me from writing but it's had me thinking about things other than "thesis baby". I suppose that's a good thing.
One thing I've noticed about the questions in the challenge is that although they're aimed at encouraging you to "chew on life's big questions", the questions seem to be presented with some sort of bias. I guess that's part of the concept too, to question the questions. Maybe??
I'm bringing this up because I've had two questions in a row now (my selection method is a little unorthodox...I flip pages until I "feel" like this is the thing I need to think about today) that seem to introduce things I see positively as having a negative connotation.
The first (yesterday's question): "Why do we hate?" with follow-ups: "Does hate affect our physical well-being?" "What's the best way to handle hate?" "What expression of hate has most affected you?". I have my thoughts written in my kick-ass journal, but to put it in a nutshell, I see two different stems of "hate". Hate as a mentality and Hate as an emotion.
After my "chewing", I worked my way into expressing that hate (or loathing) is essential for balance. Just as you need to love, you need to be indifferent and you need to loathe. The important part is balancing the three so one does not take over (love included...ever love something soooo much that you've smothered it?).
Maybe I'm jaded, maybe I'm cynical. I think the feeling of hate is necessary and sometimes a good thing. If you "hate" or dislike something, maybe you'll bring about change. Without hate, there would be no change. Bottom line, SoulPancake, I'm a little disappointed that you put "hate" in such a negative light. Embrace the hate! Change the world!
Today's question: "How can you be confident without being egotistical?". Coming from someone who has a fairly big ego to satisfy (...might not be a great thing, but at least I recognize that it's a reality), and who works on a regular basis with others with big egos who need similar satisfaction, I see "ego" as a positive thing, as long as it doesn't eat you up.
From what I'm familiar with, surgeons and clinicians (especially those that do bleeding-edge research (pun intended)) have big egos...and for good reason. Honestly, I wouldn't want to be under the knife or in the care of someone who wasn't confident in their own abilities, experimental or routine. Hell, they need to be VERY confident of their abilities. My life is literally in (or below) their hands.
In order to do research with these individuals, you need to play with the big kids as far as ego is concerned. You need to be very confident in your own knowledge and your own abilities....or you'll be eaten alive. (A lesson I learned the hard way...)
I think the important thing to realize is to not take blows to the ego personally. That might be how to keep yourself in check. Be confident in your own ego, because you're the expert; but be willing to learn. There's a big difference between being confident and being closed-minded. I think there's where confusion lies and maybe "ego" is taken in such a negative connotation. Chew on that SoulPancake...
I think I'll mull on this question a little more, while I spend the afternoon writing my thesis (hopefully), and record today's thoughts before I go to bed. I won't feel so guilty about thinking about this question, because it's directly related to why I'm going through this hazing process of working towards a doctorate. Deep down, I'm sure it's simply to satisfy my ego....
This was long.....I'm sorry. I'll aim for shorter next time.
Distraction. What? Bring on the SoulPancake Challenge. Although I wouldn't consider it a true distraction, because honestly any thinking is good thinking, it hasn't prevented me from writing but it's had me thinking about things other than "thesis baby". I suppose that's a good thing.
One thing I've noticed about the questions in the challenge is that although they're aimed at encouraging you to "chew on life's big questions", the questions seem to be presented with some sort of bias. I guess that's part of the concept too, to question the questions. Maybe??
I'm bringing this up because I've had two questions in a row now (my selection method is a little unorthodox...I flip pages until I "feel" like this is the thing I need to think about today) that seem to introduce things I see positively as having a negative connotation.
The first (yesterday's question): "Why do we hate?" with follow-ups: "Does hate affect our physical well-being?" "What's the best way to handle hate?" "What expression of hate has most affected you?". I have my thoughts written in my kick-ass journal, but to put it in a nutshell, I see two different stems of "hate". Hate as a mentality and Hate as an emotion.
After my "chewing", I worked my way into expressing that hate (or loathing) is essential for balance. Just as you need to love, you need to be indifferent and you need to loathe. The important part is balancing the three so one does not take over (love included...ever love something soooo much that you've smothered it?).
Maybe I'm jaded, maybe I'm cynical. I think the feeling of hate is necessary and sometimes a good thing. If you "hate" or dislike something, maybe you'll bring about change. Without hate, there would be no change. Bottom line, SoulPancake, I'm a little disappointed that you put "hate" in such a negative light. Embrace the hate! Change the world!
Today's question: "How can you be confident without being egotistical?". Coming from someone who has a fairly big ego to satisfy (...might not be a great thing, but at least I recognize that it's a reality), and who works on a regular basis with others with big egos who need similar satisfaction, I see "ego" as a positive thing, as long as it doesn't eat you up.
From what I'm familiar with, surgeons and clinicians (especially those that do bleeding-edge research (pun intended)) have big egos...and for good reason. Honestly, I wouldn't want to be under the knife or in the care of someone who wasn't confident in their own abilities, experimental or routine. Hell, they need to be VERY confident of their abilities. My life is literally in (or below) their hands.
In order to do research with these individuals, you need to play with the big kids as far as ego is concerned. You need to be very confident in your own knowledge and your own abilities....or you'll be eaten alive. (A lesson I learned the hard way...)
I think the important thing to realize is to not take blows to the ego personally. That might be how to keep yourself in check. Be confident in your own ego, because you're the expert; but be willing to learn. There's a big difference between being confident and being closed-minded. I think there's where confusion lies and maybe "ego" is taken in such a negative connotation. Chew on that SoulPancake...
I think I'll mull on this question a little more, while I spend the afternoon writing my thesis (hopefully), and record today's thoughts before I go to bed. I won't feel so guilty about thinking about this question, because it's directly related to why I'm going through this hazing process of working towards a doctorate. Deep down, I'm sure it's simply to satisfy my ego....
This was long.....I'm sorry. I'll aim for shorter next time.
Friday, August 17, 2012
SoulPancake Challenge....sure why not?
So, a friend of mine is taking part in the SoulPancake Challenge. Well, it's not really like a competition, but more like a self-imposed activity to sit down and "chew on life's big questions"...as it's stated on the soulpancake.com anyways. You challenge yourself I guess....and maybe bring others into the discussion too.
I've been following her vlogs and some of them are pretty sweet, some get me thinking, some need to be expressed and some are just fun. Simply fun.
Seeing how much fun my friend's been having, and seeing some of the questions that she's chosen to answer, I've decided to put myself through the "challenge" too.
The neato thing about this, is that I can choose to do it any way I want. Oh yeah...there's a book to go along with it too...and honestly who doesn't want more books. But yeah, I bought the book (and yes the artwork in it is pretty cool too) and decided to answer a question a day until I work my way through all the questions....then I'll start over again maybe. We'll see. The awesome thing is that there are no rules. It's just a medium to get you thinking about what it's like to be a "spirit having a human experience"....or something like that.
I still haven't decided what my creative medium will be. There's videos out there, I could also write out my ideas...but they tend to ramble. I think I express and understand myself best through diagrams and sketches....so that might be good to start and then I'll see where it takes me. I started to put my sketches in a journal I bought in Seattle that I've been waiting for "something good" to put in. I realized that right now, I have almost 30 years of experience behind me....what better "stuff" to put in that journal than reflecting pretty deeply over the last 30 years....and I guess the next 30 years to come too. Honestly, it's such a sweet journal (leather cover, hand bound, smells like saddle oil, parchment paper, wrap cover....it's the kind of journal that when someone says "journal", this is exactly what you picture...really) that I don't want it to go to waste, and it's been sitting on my shelf for a bout a year without a single entry. Last night that changed.
I'm still mulling about last night's question "How do you determine truth?". I've thought about it a bit, and have made some sketches, diagrams, plot, charts, etc.; but I don't think I'll have fully answered that question (at least fully-answered to satisfy my academically-minded self). I may come back to it next week and see what changes.
Today's question is "What is the purpose of art?". I have a few ideas...I'll put pen to paper tonight.
I think the only thing that will stay consistent in this challenge will be that I'll limit myself to one question a day. Too many questions and I'll bog myself down so much that I won't actually get any work-related thinking done....I think. (Oh yeah, and "work" is actually going really well for a change....more on that in another post....maybe later today.) I've also decided that I'll give myself the question first thing in the morning and file it in my "Mulling Over" compartment in my brain and come back to it before bed. See how that goes.
I'm excited.
I've been following her vlogs and some of them are pretty sweet, some get me thinking, some need to be expressed and some are just fun. Simply fun.
Seeing how much fun my friend's been having, and seeing some of the questions that she's chosen to answer, I've decided to put myself through the "challenge" too.
The neato thing about this, is that I can choose to do it any way I want. Oh yeah...there's a book to go along with it too...and honestly who doesn't want more books. But yeah, I bought the book (and yes the artwork in it is pretty cool too) and decided to answer a question a day until I work my way through all the questions....then I'll start over again maybe. We'll see. The awesome thing is that there are no rules. It's just a medium to get you thinking about what it's like to be a "spirit having a human experience"....or something like that.
I still haven't decided what my creative medium will be. There's videos out there, I could also write out my ideas...but they tend to ramble. I think I express and understand myself best through diagrams and sketches....so that might be good to start and then I'll see where it takes me. I started to put my sketches in a journal I bought in Seattle that I've been waiting for "something good" to put in. I realized that right now, I have almost 30 years of experience behind me....what better "stuff" to put in that journal than reflecting pretty deeply over the last 30 years....and I guess the next 30 years to come too. Honestly, it's such a sweet journal (leather cover, hand bound, smells like saddle oil, parchment paper, wrap cover....it's the kind of journal that when someone says "journal", this is exactly what you picture...really) that I don't want it to go to waste, and it's been sitting on my shelf for a bout a year without a single entry. Last night that changed.
I'm still mulling about last night's question "How do you determine truth?". I've thought about it a bit, and have made some sketches, diagrams, plot, charts, etc.; but I don't think I'll have fully answered that question (at least fully-answered to satisfy my academically-minded self). I may come back to it next week and see what changes.
Today's question is "What is the purpose of art?". I have a few ideas...I'll put pen to paper tonight.
I think the only thing that will stay consistent in this challenge will be that I'll limit myself to one question a day. Too many questions and I'll bog myself down so much that I won't actually get any work-related thinking done....I think. (Oh yeah, and "work" is actually going really well for a change....more on that in another post....maybe later today.) I've also decided that I'll give myself the question first thing in the morning and file it in my "Mulling Over" compartment in my brain and come back to it before bed. See how that goes.
I'm excited.
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
Lost in the Potter-verse
I came across this poem again....yay StumbleUpon - "Date a Girl Who Reads". I truly am "that girl"...
Right now, I'm starting to think that it embodies my "lost penguin"....the one I'm looking for that will sing my song back to me. I want to get lost....and I want someone who will be willing to let me get lost, then come along for the ride. "Own bookshelf that's actually full of books" has always been on my "Must-have" list of guys I'd be willing to date.
My friend Timmy put it best once, "When you go home with a guy and you have a chance to look around his house, make sure you can find a bookshelf. And make sure it's full of books, and not just texts. If you can't find one, or his only book happens to be in the bathroom...Get. Out. Fast."
Good. Sound. Advice. Easy to understand; hard to follow.
I just finished reading Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. I'm so totally and completely stuck in the Potter-verse. So much so that I want to blast through the remaining 3 novels (I received the entire set as a Christmas present once upon a time) instead of sticking to my "reading plan" where I read 2 non-fiction books I've purchased between works of fiction; partly to keep myself balanced, but mostly simply so that I can blast through the pile of 60-odd books that I've accumulated over the past 3 years in the same order (or close to) that I purchased them. (Note I also record the purchase date in the front cover of the books I buy....sadly my next read was purchased in August 2010. I have some serious catching up to do).
Right now, I'm that girl lost in her book in this poem. I'm completely lost in a made-up universe....and I don't really care. I'm pretty sure the reason I'm lost somewhere else is because, in all honesty, the world I'm in just kinda sucks. It's pretty boring. I would much rather be playing my position as a Beater in a Quidditch game, zooming by on my Nimbus 2000. I want to be learning how to brew potions to help me to transform into someone or something else...so I can figure out why things just seem a little "off". I guess I've found my escape. I want to stay there for a little bit. There's cookies....and Butterbeer.
I'm also in the middle of re-decorating my new place, or at least tossing around ideas to re-decorate my new place to my own liking. I bought some really sweet-ass antique furniture, but it's every shade of sea-foam green....kind of matches the puke lavender and peach walls in my living room. It's all so ugly that it works unusually well together.
For now I'll leave the living room alone; I really want to tackle my bedroom. The walls are yellow. That's gotta go. There's holes in the walls. They've gotta be patched. There's shelves to put up and move around....and I have just enough room to make my own little "Reading Escape Corner"....like the little grove upstairs at McNally Robinson....with the bench and the trees and the astroturf. (I couldn't find an image, but trust me....if you saw it, you'd love it and want one.) I have enough space to make my own cozy little corner, with a comfy chair, some shelves, mood lighting, pillows and a hot cup of coffee. Only thing is...now that I have the space, I haven't quite made up my mind what I want to put there. As far as I'm concerned, a pile of pillows or a GIANT BEANBAG CHAIR would be more than fine. I think I'll paint the walls first and move around my existing stuff before I make a decision. I'm sure the right piece of furniture will speak to me....for the right price too.
I'm just really stoked that I'll have a corner that I can escape to when the world gets a little tough. I can open a book and get swept away, in my own imagination. By the time it's finished, I may even be able to escape into the Potter-verse again.
Right now, I'm starting to think that it embodies my "lost penguin"....the one I'm looking for that will sing my song back to me. I want to get lost....and I want someone who will be willing to let me get lost, then come along for the ride. "Own bookshelf that's actually full of books" has always been on my "Must-have" list of guys I'd be willing to date.
My friend Timmy put it best once, "When you go home with a guy and you have a chance to look around his house, make sure you can find a bookshelf. And make sure it's full of books, and not just texts. If you can't find one, or his only book happens to be in the bathroom...Get. Out. Fast."
Good. Sound. Advice. Easy to understand; hard to follow.
I just finished reading Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. I'm so totally and completely stuck in the Potter-verse. So much so that I want to blast through the remaining 3 novels (I received the entire set as a Christmas present once upon a time) instead of sticking to my "reading plan" where I read 2 non-fiction books I've purchased between works of fiction; partly to keep myself balanced, but mostly simply so that I can blast through the pile of 60-odd books that I've accumulated over the past 3 years in the same order (or close to) that I purchased them. (Note I also record the purchase date in the front cover of the books I buy....sadly my next read was purchased in August 2010. I have some serious catching up to do).
Right now, I'm that girl lost in her book in this poem. I'm completely lost in a made-up universe....and I don't really care. I'm pretty sure the reason I'm lost somewhere else is because, in all honesty, the world I'm in just kinda sucks. It's pretty boring. I would much rather be playing my position as a Beater in a Quidditch game, zooming by on my Nimbus 2000. I want to be learning how to brew potions to help me to transform into someone or something else...so I can figure out why things just seem a little "off". I guess I've found my escape. I want to stay there for a little bit. There's cookies....and Butterbeer.
I'm also in the middle of re-decorating my new place, or at least tossing around ideas to re-decorate my new place to my own liking. I bought some really sweet-ass antique furniture, but it's every shade of sea-foam green....kind of matches the puke lavender and peach walls in my living room. It's all so ugly that it works unusually well together.
For now I'll leave the living room alone; I really want to tackle my bedroom. The walls are yellow. That's gotta go. There's holes in the walls. They've gotta be patched. There's shelves to put up and move around....and I have just enough room to make my own little "Reading Escape Corner"....like the little grove upstairs at McNally Robinson....with the bench and the trees and the astroturf. (I couldn't find an image, but trust me....if you saw it, you'd love it and want one.) I have enough space to make my own cozy little corner, with a comfy chair, some shelves, mood lighting, pillows and a hot cup of coffee. Only thing is...now that I have the space, I haven't quite made up my mind what I want to put there. As far as I'm concerned, a pile of pillows or a GIANT BEANBAG CHAIR would be more than fine. I think I'll paint the walls first and move around my existing stuff before I make a decision. I'm sure the right piece of furniture will speak to me....for the right price too.
I'm just really stoked that I'll have a corner that I can escape to when the world gets a little tough. I can open a book and get swept away, in my own imagination. By the time it's finished, I may even be able to escape into the Potter-verse again.
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Quick update....I guess
A lot has happened in the last month.
Wyatt got married. Yay!
I moved into my new place. Yay!
I haven't done a lot of thesis writing. Boo!
Other than that, I really don't have a lot to write about. Been reading a lot lately. I'm finding it really easy to get lost in a book. I guess it's an acceptable active procrastination tool; I kind of feel like I'm accomplishing something, even if Harry Potter has absolutely nothing to do with my thesis.
I'm ready for fall though. I've been trying to keep some sort of routine. It's tough. Fall will kick me into a routine I guess.
I'm also ready for fall because my thesis will have to be written by the end of September and I can start doing some of the grunt work for my Ph.D. project. I was able to jump into/start up a project where I already had access to all the data, software and knowledge I need, which is kind of cool. It should help me out in the long-run.
I spent yesterday at the Fringe with the 'fur babies'. I think I'll do the same later this afternoon. They're really good at attracting small children, old ladies and squealy Asian girls. Not so good at attracting the single smart guys, but whatever.
Wyatt got married. Yay!
I moved into my new place. Yay!
I haven't done a lot of thesis writing. Boo!
Other than that, I really don't have a lot to write about. Been reading a lot lately. I'm finding it really easy to get lost in a book. I guess it's an acceptable active procrastination tool; I kind of feel like I'm accomplishing something, even if Harry Potter has absolutely nothing to do with my thesis.
I'm ready for fall though. I've been trying to keep some sort of routine. It's tough. Fall will kick me into a routine I guess.
I'm also ready for fall because my thesis will have to be written by the end of September and I can start doing some of the grunt work for my Ph.D. project. I was able to jump into/start up a project where I already had access to all the data, software and knowledge I need, which is kind of cool. It should help me out in the long-run.
I spent yesterday at the Fringe with the 'fur babies'. I think I'll do the same later this afternoon. They're really good at attracting small children, old ladies and squealy Asian girls. Not so good at attracting the single smart guys, but whatever.
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Decisions...I guess...
No one's really a fan of making big decisions. In the past month I've managed to make my way through a few of them, but the decision I need to make before the end of this summer is going to be a real big one.
I bought a house 2 weeks ago. That was a big decision, but it was honestly a reasonably easy one to make. I could put in an offer, or I couldn't. A or B. 50/50 shot. I ended up putting in an offer because I was at the point where I realized that I really didn't have a whole lot of options to pick from. There were very few houses that fit the criteria my parents and I could agree on, and 2 of the houses we wanted to look at were sold before I could go and investigate. I knew that if I didn't put an offer in on this guy, it would be sold out from under me. So, long story short, I bought a house and I get possession July 16, with the move and clean-out complete by July 29. I'm kind of stoked.
The decision I have to make now isn't as cut and dry as the "buying a house" decision was. I need to pick a Ph.D. direction that fits within the scope of our research group, and that I think I can tackle in 3 years time. Some of my friends and family think, "Well, you can pretty much do whatever you want!"...as if it's a great thing. I think knowing that I could do "whatever I want" is part of the problem. I'm the type that needs limitations and boundaries in order to make a decision, because otherwise I'll make the "wrong" choice and end up paying for it for a long time. I guess I have some limits, like it needs to fit within the scope of our research group and I need to be able to finish in 3 years, but other than that...I feel like I'm swimming without a lifeguard on duty.
I'm wondering if the past couple of months has something to do with an article that I found a week or so ago. It's about "bright girls" and perhaps being constantly told so may have put us at risk for low self-esteem and low achievement later in life. I might be hitting that "later in life" stage. The gist of the article explains that high-performing girls, who are always being told "Good work" at a young age start to conceive the concept of "brightness" or "cleverness" as a skill that can't be improved upon. To put it bluntly, they start to believe that either you know the answer, or you don't, and that abilities and skills, like learning, don't really change over time. Bottom-line, girls who are consistently told that they're "smart" at a young age are more likely to quit when the going gets tough. That's kind of how I feel right now. I figure I might as well quit, go back into industry, start making "real money" and stop hitting the "snooze button on life". Thing is, I really enjoy my research, but I still have absolutely no idea what I want to do when I'm finished. I know I don't really want to teach...and that's about it.
This article lead me to another question...or at least another brainwave: I think this view of "learning as an unchanging skill" could be why I beat myself up for not knowing all the answers and why I get down on myself up when I don't understand something. I've usually been able to figure out answers to problems pretty quickly; and once I hit a problem that I can't figure out right away I get really frustrated, start crying, feeling like a failure and beat myself up for not knowing the answer because I've always been told "Good work" or "You're so smart". I get this little monologue in my head, "Well, if I'm so god-damned smart, why in the fuck can't I figure this shit out!?"....and because I'm so stupidly stubborn, I can't break myself down to throwing in the towel like the girls in this study. I could be my own worst enemy....likely at the expense of, or caused by, those who've supported me my whole life.
This is starting to sound like the kind of stuff I should be telling a shrink. Anyone know any good shrinks in the Saskatoon area? The kind that will listen to self-destructive grad students?
On a side note, we had a research group meeting today about designing some medical equipment to be sent into space...which is pretty wicked-awesome, and I'm starting to re-consider my previously self-crushed dreams about becoming an astronaut. Up until grade 6, I thought about being either an astronaut or a vet "when I grow up", then in 1994, I met Julie Payette and was really intimidated about the amount of school that she went through before she applied to join the Canadian Space Agency; that was the point where I realized that it was a lot of school and I'd "settle" to be a scientist, a vet, or an engineer (I gave up on the "vet dream" in fall 2000, after I flunked my first exam....ever). I'm having a look at her bio right now, and, well.....looking at her accomplishments pre-1992 (the year she was accepted to CSA)....I'm at the same stage in my education as she was, and have accomplished just as much....maybe even a little more. I'm already up one post-secondary degree with my BSA and my BE, and will be on par with my MSc. I have similar industry experience. I have received similar scholarships. Maybe I'll throw "Astronaut" back on my list of potential jobs when I'm finished my PhD. Nothing against Julie Payette...she's one of the most amazing and down-to-earth women I've met...but it's nice to see that you're just as accomplished as your role models were at the same stage in their life.
I bought a house 2 weeks ago. That was a big decision, but it was honestly a reasonably easy one to make. I could put in an offer, or I couldn't. A or B. 50/50 shot. I ended up putting in an offer because I was at the point where I realized that I really didn't have a whole lot of options to pick from. There were very few houses that fit the criteria my parents and I could agree on, and 2 of the houses we wanted to look at were sold before I could go and investigate. I knew that if I didn't put an offer in on this guy, it would be sold out from under me. So, long story short, I bought a house and I get possession July 16, with the move and clean-out complete by July 29. I'm kind of stoked.
The decision I have to make now isn't as cut and dry as the "buying a house" decision was. I need to pick a Ph.D. direction that fits within the scope of our research group, and that I think I can tackle in 3 years time. Some of my friends and family think, "Well, you can pretty much do whatever you want!"...as if it's a great thing. I think knowing that I could do "whatever I want" is part of the problem. I'm the type that needs limitations and boundaries in order to make a decision, because otherwise I'll make the "wrong" choice and end up paying for it for a long time. I guess I have some limits, like it needs to fit within the scope of our research group and I need to be able to finish in 3 years, but other than that...I feel like I'm swimming without a lifeguard on duty.
I'm wondering if the past couple of months has something to do with an article that I found a week or so ago. It's about "bright girls" and perhaps being constantly told so may have put us at risk for low self-esteem and low achievement later in life. I might be hitting that "later in life" stage. The gist of the article explains that high-performing girls, who are always being told "Good work" at a young age start to conceive the concept of "brightness" or "cleverness" as a skill that can't be improved upon. To put it bluntly, they start to believe that either you know the answer, or you don't, and that abilities and skills, like learning, don't really change over time. Bottom-line, girls who are consistently told that they're "smart" at a young age are more likely to quit when the going gets tough. That's kind of how I feel right now. I figure I might as well quit, go back into industry, start making "real money" and stop hitting the "snooze button on life". Thing is, I really enjoy my research, but I still have absolutely no idea what I want to do when I'm finished. I know I don't really want to teach...and that's about it.
This article lead me to another question...or at least another brainwave: I think this view of "learning as an unchanging skill" could be why I beat myself up for not knowing all the answers and why I get down on myself up when I don't understand something. I've usually been able to figure out answers to problems pretty quickly; and once I hit a problem that I can't figure out right away I get really frustrated, start crying, feeling like a failure and beat myself up for not knowing the answer because I've always been told "Good work" or "You're so smart". I get this little monologue in my head, "Well, if I'm so god-damned smart, why in the fuck can't I figure this shit out!?"....and because I'm so stupidly stubborn, I can't break myself down to throwing in the towel like the girls in this study. I could be my own worst enemy....likely at the expense of, or caused by, those who've supported me my whole life.
This is starting to sound like the kind of stuff I should be telling a shrink. Anyone know any good shrinks in the Saskatoon area? The kind that will listen to self-destructive grad students?
On a side note, we had a research group meeting today about designing some medical equipment to be sent into space...which is pretty wicked-awesome, and I'm starting to re-consider my previously self-crushed dreams about becoming an astronaut. Up until grade 6, I thought about being either an astronaut or a vet "when I grow up", then in 1994, I met Julie Payette and was really intimidated about the amount of school that she went through before she applied to join the Canadian Space Agency; that was the point where I realized that it was a lot of school and I'd "settle" to be a scientist, a vet, or an engineer (I gave up on the "vet dream" in fall 2000, after I flunked my first exam....ever). I'm having a look at her bio right now, and, well.....looking at her accomplishments pre-1992 (the year she was accepted to CSA)....I'm at the same stage in my education as she was, and have accomplished just as much....maybe even a little more. I'm already up one post-secondary degree with my BSA and my BE, and will be on par with my MSc. I have similar industry experience. I have received similar scholarships. Maybe I'll throw "Astronaut" back on my list of potential jobs when I'm finished my PhD. Nothing against Julie Payette...she's one of the most amazing and down-to-earth women I've met...but it's nice to see that you're just as accomplished as your role models were at the same stage in their life.
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Yes, you can protest....but have you thought about the "other guys"?
I love my fresh, handmade cosmetics. I do A LOT of shopping at Lush Cosmetics at Midtown in Saskatoon. I also have a tendency to find a Lush in whatever city I land in. I found them here:
I love that they use what they consider "free trade", "organic", "ethically sourced" ingredients...I guess we all have a little "hippy" in us. I also love that they have a body lotion - Charity Pot - where a portion of the sale of the product gets donated to the cause on the lid. For a period last year, it went to help families in Japan after the tsunami. Another of their recent causes was to help women in Columbia start their own businesses. I guess I'm partially biased to the causes that have a human side to them, as opposed to some of the other causes they choose to support. Right now, I don't think I'll be buying any Charity Pot though.....because of it's most recent cause.
Last month's cause was to stop testing cosmetics on animals. Now, I'm all for the prevention of animal cruelty, but I believe that there is a place and a purpose for all animal testing. I understand where the people at Lush are coming from, but I don't think they understand the WHOLE story. Let me explain:
As a medical/veterinary researcher, I read a lot of journals...peer-reviewed SCIENCE...where certain tests have been performed on one species (mostly specially bred lab mice) because it's simply UNETHICAL, UNSAFE, UNREALISTIC and most of all IMPOSSIBLE to safely perform these tests on human, with full following of the unbiased scientific process.
Let me give you an example:
For some tests, mice are induced with rapidly advancing simulations of degenerative diseases...like say osteoarthritis...then their progress and outcomes are measured so we can gain a greater understanding of the disease in general; primarily to improve patient care and early diagnosis. I don't think ANY ethical board will allow ANY group of researchers to induce a completely healthy population (because we need a suitable and reliable baseline) with a degenerative disease, when we don't even have an idea on how their bodies will react. Also, for humane reasons - because who would honestly want to live their life with a rapidly advancing degenerative disease (I'm all for SCIENCE, but I wouldn't wish that shit on anyone) - after the experiment, the animals are euthanized. I don't think we could get away with euthanizing 50 to 100 humans, who were healthy 3 weeks ago, after our investigation was complete.
Hell, name one sane person who would sign up for that shit! I honestly don't even think we could use prisoners on "death row" for this, for a few reasons - they're largely male (so we're no longer dealing with a representative sample), they may not have the best track record for drug use (we need a healthy baseline and crack-heads just won't do) and again the whole aspect of patient care (we have a hard enough time caring for our prisoners as it is, let alone if they're full of untreatable diseases).
Anyways, for the past 2 months, Lush was collecting signatures on a "petition" to stop cosmetic-related animal testing. They were writing names all over the windows, so I have a hard time accepting this as a legal petition, but if it makes you feel good about yourself.....
Last time I stopped in, I was approached by the clerk at the door, with the marker, asking if I wanted to sign my name. I said, as politely as I could, "Actually, I can't. If I sign this, I'm in conflict of interest of my research, and my job. I'm really sorry." I think I pretty much drove over the clerk's cat. She was pretty crushed.
I went on to explain that I understand that this is specifically petitioning against cosmetically-related animal testing, but cosmetics companies follow the same set of ethical guidelines/laws/procedures as direct medical research, and if I sign this glass window with your little white marker, I'm essentially signing away the future of my job.
I then went on to ask why Lush no longer sells their "Suncare Line" - they used to have 2 or 3 types of sunscreens....they were pretty amazing. She didn't even know that they sold sunscreen once upon a time. I had to explain that once upon a time, Lush sold sunscreens, but had to kill the line because in order to declare a product safe to use as a "sunscreen" or "sunblock" with an SPF, FDA requires that the product is extensively tested on animals to make sure that it actually does what it is supposed to do.....prevent skin cancer. I told her that because of the claim, and significant but moderately related evidence, that excessive sun can cause skin to change and may result in skin cancer, Lush can't sell cosmetics and claim that they have an SPF rating, unless it's been proven so. It's a safety issue.
(Disclaimer: I'm all for the use of a minimum of SPF 30, as a preventative measure. Because I'm a scientist, I can't make causal claims, but I do believe that sunscreen can prevent skin cancer....so lather up kids.)
Again, when I told her that, I'm pretty sure I crushed her second cat with my car. I crushed her cat for another 10 minutes, explaining that in order to improve quality of life, we will ultimately need to perform medical-related tests on animals. There's a fine line between "cosmetic" and "medical". In my eyes, they're one and the same. I didn't want to sign my job away.
Their current campaign is to stop the development of a pipeline running from the Alberta Tar Sands to the British Columbia Coast. Once again, something I'm not entirely for. I have quite a few reasons, but I want to make sure I get my facts straight before I walk into the store and start debating with the staff.
- across from Macy's in NYC,
- down the street from Pike Place Market in Seattle,
- in Vieux Quebec (totally by fluke, but I still found it),
- in Barcelona around the corner from my hostel,
- and the easy one at Pearson Airport in Toronto.
I love that they use what they consider "free trade", "organic", "ethically sourced" ingredients...I guess we all have a little "hippy" in us. I also love that they have a body lotion - Charity Pot - where a portion of the sale of the product gets donated to the cause on the lid. For a period last year, it went to help families in Japan after the tsunami. Another of their recent causes was to help women in Columbia start their own businesses. I guess I'm partially biased to the causes that have a human side to them, as opposed to some of the other causes they choose to support. Right now, I don't think I'll be buying any Charity Pot though.....because of it's most recent cause.
Last month's cause was to stop testing cosmetics on animals. Now, I'm all for the prevention of animal cruelty, but I believe that there is a place and a purpose for all animal testing. I understand where the people at Lush are coming from, but I don't think they understand the WHOLE story. Let me explain:
As a medical/veterinary researcher, I read a lot of journals...peer-reviewed SCIENCE...where certain tests have been performed on one species (mostly specially bred lab mice) because it's simply UNETHICAL, UNSAFE, UNREALISTIC and most of all IMPOSSIBLE to safely perform these tests on human, with full following of the unbiased scientific process.
Let me give you an example:
For some tests, mice are induced with rapidly advancing simulations of degenerative diseases...like say osteoarthritis...then their progress and outcomes are measured so we can gain a greater understanding of the disease in general; primarily to improve patient care and early diagnosis. I don't think ANY ethical board will allow ANY group of researchers to induce a completely healthy population (because we need a suitable and reliable baseline) with a degenerative disease, when we don't even have an idea on how their bodies will react. Also, for humane reasons - because who would honestly want to live their life with a rapidly advancing degenerative disease (I'm all for SCIENCE, but I wouldn't wish that shit on anyone) - after the experiment, the animals are euthanized. I don't think we could get away with euthanizing 50 to 100 humans, who were healthy 3 weeks ago, after our investigation was complete.
Hell, name one sane person who would sign up for that shit! I honestly don't even think we could use prisoners on "death row" for this, for a few reasons - they're largely male (so we're no longer dealing with a representative sample), they may not have the best track record for drug use (we need a healthy baseline and crack-heads just won't do) and again the whole aspect of patient care (we have a hard enough time caring for our prisoners as it is, let alone if they're full of untreatable diseases).
Anyways, for the past 2 months, Lush was collecting signatures on a "petition" to stop cosmetic-related animal testing. They were writing names all over the windows, so I have a hard time accepting this as a legal petition, but if it makes you feel good about yourself.....
Last time I stopped in, I was approached by the clerk at the door, with the marker, asking if I wanted to sign my name. I said, as politely as I could, "Actually, I can't. If I sign this, I'm in conflict of interest of my research, and my job. I'm really sorry." I think I pretty much drove over the clerk's cat. She was pretty crushed.
I went on to explain that I understand that this is specifically petitioning against cosmetically-related animal testing, but cosmetics companies follow the same set of ethical guidelines/laws/procedures as direct medical research, and if I sign this glass window with your little white marker, I'm essentially signing away the future of my job.
I then went on to ask why Lush no longer sells their "Suncare Line" - they used to have 2 or 3 types of sunscreens....they were pretty amazing. She didn't even know that they sold sunscreen once upon a time. I had to explain that once upon a time, Lush sold sunscreens, but had to kill the line because in order to declare a product safe to use as a "sunscreen" or "sunblock" with an SPF, FDA requires that the product is extensively tested on animals to make sure that it actually does what it is supposed to do.....prevent skin cancer. I told her that because of the claim, and significant but moderately related evidence, that excessive sun can cause skin to change and may result in skin cancer, Lush can't sell cosmetics and claim that they have an SPF rating, unless it's been proven so. It's a safety issue.
(Disclaimer: I'm all for the use of a minimum of SPF 30, as a preventative measure. Because I'm a scientist, I can't make causal claims, but I do believe that sunscreen can prevent skin cancer....so lather up kids.)
Again, when I told her that, I'm pretty sure I crushed her second cat with my car. I crushed her cat for another 10 minutes, explaining that in order to improve quality of life, we will ultimately need to perform medical-related tests on animals. There's a fine line between "cosmetic" and "medical". In my eyes, they're one and the same. I didn't want to sign my job away.
Their current campaign is to stop the development of a pipeline running from the Alberta Tar Sands to the British Columbia Coast. Once again, something I'm not entirely for. I have quite a few reasons, but I want to make sure I get my facts straight before I walk into the store and start debating with the staff.
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Opinions - we're all entitled to them...
I'm not a malicious person. Opinionated - yes; malicious - not at all.
I also feel that we each need our own support system. I could be blowing this whole situation out of proportion, but I don't think that we should be selective on the support we receive from others, and who we receive it from. I think the most meaningful means of support can be the ones that we least expect.
To provide some background, I have a friend getting married this summer. I think he's a great guy; I've always thought he's a great guy. The girl he's marrying - on the other hand - I don't think very highly of, simply because from what I've seen she's manipulative, needy, and just not a very nice person. I honestly think my friend could do better.
I was invited to their wedding, and permitted to bring a guest. I decided to bring along one of our mutual friends, who was not invited. I'm not sure why he wasn't invited; honestly it's not my business to know. I do know that he feels the same way about this wedding as I do, but because we love our friend, we want to be there to support him, no matter what decision he makes. That's what friends do - we support one another - no matter what bonehead decisions we make.
On the RSVP, I was asked to provide the name of the guest I will be bringing - likely for table seating...I thought this was no big deal. I provided our mutual friends' name. This morning I received an e-mail asking that I do not bring him along as my guest. I was quite taken aback. I think it takes quite a bit of nerve to tell me who I should be bringing along as my date. Going to weddings alone is hard enough, even harder when you're not "allowed" to bring along someone who not only wants to support your mutual friend, but can also provide a little bit of support to you.
I don't want to start rumors....but what if we were dating? (For the record, we're not, but I honestly wouldn't oppose it....he's a good catch as far as I'm concerned.) What if he's been my support system for the past few months when I was going through a tough time? (Which he has been...but I don't think he realizes it.) What if he simply wanted to support his friend in the same way that I want to support him? (Which he does.)
My initial reaction was, "Well, if my date isn't 'allowed' to go, then I won't be going either." If you're going to be selective on the support you receive, then you really don't need mine after all. I may have been quite angry at 3 AM when I composed this e-mail, but my beliefs still stand: (I'm also including the thread - simply for context...names and such deleted.)
I'm sure I may lose some friendships over this post. Honestly, if a person is going to be that fickle....or marry someone who is going to be that fickle...or support someone that fickle...I don't want them in my life. I don't need negative energy right now....I get enough of that from my "thesis-baby".
So, to the girl whom I think is going to make my friend miserable for the rest of his life - I understand if you may have hard feelings over this, but if you're going to act like a spoiled child, be fickle, and refuse to make amends on what should be "the happiest day of your life", I still want to wish you the best...just from afar.
I also feel that we each need our own support system. I could be blowing this whole situation out of proportion, but I don't think that we should be selective on the support we receive from others, and who we receive it from. I think the most meaningful means of support can be the ones that we least expect.
To provide some background, I have a friend getting married this summer. I think he's a great guy; I've always thought he's a great guy. The girl he's marrying - on the other hand - I don't think very highly of, simply because from what I've seen she's manipulative, needy, and just not a very nice person. I honestly think my friend could do better.
I was invited to their wedding, and permitted to bring a guest. I decided to bring along one of our mutual friends, who was not invited. I'm not sure why he wasn't invited; honestly it's not my business to know. I do know that he feels the same way about this wedding as I do, but because we love our friend, we want to be there to support him, no matter what decision he makes. That's what friends do - we support one another - no matter what bonehead decisions we make.
On the RSVP, I was asked to provide the name of the guest I will be bringing - likely for table seating...I thought this was no big deal. I provided our mutual friends' name. This morning I received an e-mail asking that I do not bring him along as my guest. I was quite taken aback. I think it takes quite a bit of nerve to tell me who I should be bringing along as my date. Going to weddings alone is hard enough, even harder when you're not "allowed" to bring along someone who not only wants to support your mutual friend, but can also provide a little bit of support to you.
I don't want to start rumors....but what if we were dating? (For the record, we're not, but I honestly wouldn't oppose it....he's a good catch as far as I'm concerned.) What if he's been my support system for the past few months when I was going through a tough time? (Which he has been...but I don't think he realizes it.) What if he simply wanted to support his friend in the same way that I want to support him? (Which he does.)
My initial reaction was, "Well, if my date isn't 'allowed' to go, then I won't be going either." If you're going to be selective on the support you receive, then you really don't need mine after all. I may have been quite angry at 3 AM when I composed this e-mail, but my beliefs still stand: (I'm also including the thread - simply for context...names and such deleted.)
So, to the girl whom I think is going to make my friend miserable for the rest of his life - I understand if you may have hard feelings over this, but if you're going to act like a spoiled child, be fickle, and refuse to make amends on what should be "the happiest day of your life", I still want to wish you the best...just from afar.
Friday, April 20, 2012
Don't stop kicking a galloping horse
Once again, I guess it's been a while. I guess come summer I'll have to make time every Friday or something. We'll see.
A lot has happened in the last month, but I think even more has happened in the last week.
I'm going to Spain next week for the Osteoarthritis Research Society International Congress (OARSI) in BARCELONA!!! I wasn't planning on going, but Auntie Brenna and Uncle Keith came to the rescue and gave me their Aeroplan miles. I booked a first-class flight and decided to take a chance. I'm crazy-stoked, mostly because I get to meet a lot of the other experts whose work I cite....a lot. I was a little intimidated...ok, a lot intimidated...knowing that I would be picking brains and in sessions with people who are at the top of the field. To think....I'm at the top of the field right along with them. It was pretty overwhelming, until Supervisor came to the rescue and forwarded me some e-mails from some of his expert colleagues, and told them to look out for me....then to answer their questions about his work on his behalf. The cool thing is, the questions were in the e-mails, and I know the answers. It was a well-needed confidence boost.
This all happened after a little meltdown in a meeting with my supervisor. Turns out, I was exhausted and needed a break, but it took a meltdown to figure that out. Meltdown followed by coffee with Supervisor and Dr. D. I think it was exactly what I needed, to gain a little bit of perspective. I came out with some advice too:
"There's no problem too big that can't be worked out with a little bit of Bailey's. Coffee?"
"It's your life, it's research; but it's also your work. Don't become a work-aholic."
"Don't stop kicking a galloping horse."
"You're not driving fast enough until you lose control."
Either way, it all resonated and I think I'm going to hang onto them for a little bit.
I guess stuff kind of feels out of control from time to time. That's normal. It's just a matter of how you deal with it. My new strategy....sleep.
A lot has happened in the last month, but I think even more has happened in the last week.
I'm going to Spain next week for the Osteoarthritis Research Society International Congress (OARSI) in BARCELONA!!! I wasn't planning on going, but Auntie Brenna and Uncle Keith came to the rescue and gave me their Aeroplan miles. I booked a first-class flight and decided to take a chance. I'm crazy-stoked, mostly because I get to meet a lot of the other experts whose work I cite....a lot. I was a little intimidated...ok, a lot intimidated...knowing that I would be picking brains and in sessions with people who are at the top of the field. To think....I'm at the top of the field right along with them. It was pretty overwhelming, until Supervisor came to the rescue and forwarded me some e-mails from some of his expert colleagues, and told them to look out for me....then to answer their questions about his work on his behalf. The cool thing is, the questions were in the e-mails, and I know the answers. It was a well-needed confidence boost.
This all happened after a little meltdown in a meeting with my supervisor. Turns out, I was exhausted and needed a break, but it took a meltdown to figure that out. Meltdown followed by coffee with Supervisor and Dr. D. I think it was exactly what I needed, to gain a little bit of perspective. I came out with some advice too:
"There's no problem too big that can't be worked out with a little bit of Bailey's. Coffee?"
"It's your life, it's research; but it's also your work. Don't become a work-aholic."
"Don't stop kicking a galloping horse."
"You're not driving fast enough until you lose control."
Either way, it all resonated and I think I'm going to hang onto them for a little bit.
I guess stuff kind of feels out of control from time to time. That's normal. It's just a matter of how you deal with it. My new strategy....sleep.
Thursday, March 29, 2012
To teach or not to teach....I guess, it's a question now.
If the lack of blogging is proportional to the amount of shit I have to rant about, then this term must have gone by pretty smoothly. I hardly made any entries. I guess that means stuff is moving along as expected....or I just ran out of time to sit and express my feelings....or there were no feelings to express. Who knows really?
Maybe I've just been able to control the stagecoach, get all the ponies in line and have them stop before they went over the cliff. Maybe I've just decided to pick my battles and care less. I dunno.
I do know that I'm starting to re-evaluate this whole idea of university-level teaching. Although I'm a straight shooter, I don't put up with crap, show students the need to think for themselves and get a lot of compliments on my teaching style, I don't think I can put up with the whole atmosphere of teaching.
Don't get me wrong, I love the actual part of teaching, getting up in front of the class, putting on a one-woman-show, showing students how to explore and learn and watching them go through the ah-ha! moment. I think those little light bulb moments are some of the most gratifying things to experience. I love it when students come to me for advice, or help, or whatever. It shows me that they trust me enough to put their lives in my hands. That's a pretty awesome feeling. I'm starting to doubt if I want to be a Prof. for the rest of my life though. Gotta say "Professor Burnett" has a certain ring to it, but I'm not sure if I want to put up with all the "other bullshit" that goes with teaching...like marking, feeling like a robot, feeling drained, whiny students, students fishing for marks, students second-guessing your evaluations...and all the crap that comes with the position. I don't think the light bulb moments and the trust is enough.
I've always learned to take the bad with the good, and to understand that not everything is perfect (except bone :P) and there will always be negatives. But with teaching, I'm starting to feel that the negatives are starting to outweigh the positives. My research is starting to suffer. I'm not behind, but I'm not able to perform at my peak. I don't feel like I've progressed in the last 3 months, mostly because I've been distracted by teaching...and stats, but that's another dragon I'm working on slaying.
I want to stay at a University. I love the atmosphere and the challenges. I love trying something new, maybe failing, maybe falling flat on your face, but most of the time discovering. I love that I'm appreciated in my research group. I'm vital to the success of some of the projects that I'm working on, simply because my knowledge is so specialized...even if I don't totally understand what's going on. I don't think I've had a job where I've felt so appreciated and so essential. I feel valued.
If there were a way to get around the teaching, that would be great. I'm sure a lot of other professors and faculty members would agree with me.
Maybe I've just been able to control the stagecoach, get all the ponies in line and have them stop before they went over the cliff. Maybe I've just decided to pick my battles and care less. I dunno.
I do know that I'm starting to re-evaluate this whole idea of university-level teaching. Although I'm a straight shooter, I don't put up with crap, show students the need to think for themselves and get a lot of compliments on my teaching style, I don't think I can put up with the whole atmosphere of teaching.
Don't get me wrong, I love the actual part of teaching, getting up in front of the class, putting on a one-woman-show, showing students how to explore and learn and watching them go through the ah-ha! moment. I think those little light bulb moments are some of the most gratifying things to experience. I love it when students come to me for advice, or help, or whatever. It shows me that they trust me enough to put their lives in my hands. That's a pretty awesome feeling. I'm starting to doubt if I want to be a Prof. for the rest of my life though. Gotta say "Professor Burnett" has a certain ring to it, but I'm not sure if I want to put up with all the "other bullshit" that goes with teaching...like marking, feeling like a robot, feeling drained, whiny students, students fishing for marks, students second-guessing your evaluations...and all the crap that comes with the position. I don't think the light bulb moments and the trust is enough.
I've always learned to take the bad with the good, and to understand that not everything is perfect (except bone :P) and there will always be negatives. But with teaching, I'm starting to feel that the negatives are starting to outweigh the positives. My research is starting to suffer. I'm not behind, but I'm not able to perform at my peak. I don't feel like I've progressed in the last 3 months, mostly because I've been distracted by teaching...and stats, but that's another dragon I'm working on slaying.
I want to stay at a University. I love the atmosphere and the challenges. I love trying something new, maybe failing, maybe falling flat on your face, but most of the time discovering. I love that I'm appreciated in my research group. I'm vital to the success of some of the projects that I'm working on, simply because my knowledge is so specialized...even if I don't totally understand what's going on. I don't think I've had a job where I've felt so appreciated and so essential. I feel valued.
If there were a way to get around the teaching, that would be great. I'm sure a lot of other professors and faculty members would agree with me.
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Holy, ignore blogging much Batman!?
Hmmm....I think a "once a month" update is trending here.
At least it's been a busy month. Teaching, puppies, writing about research (or consequently not writing about research), not running, more teaching, marking...and LOTS of meetings.
I had the first "formal" meeting of the term with my supervisor last week, and somehow I had to explain that I had no idea where the last 6 weeks went, and I'm no where near where I want to be. He felt the same about where his last 2 months went as well, so we just shook it off and kept on going. It helps that he's so laid back and lets me "fight out the issues" so I can catch my own footing. I feel like I'm actually learning and accomplishing shit that way.
My side project in Vet Med is going really too. The surgeon I'm working with is putting A LOT of faith and trust in me, mostly because we're working on pretty much a pure materials engineering problem and he has no idea how to interpret the data or make sense of how to set up the experiment. He just wanted to get one paper out of the project, the way we're going, we should be able to get 2 or 3....which would be really cool. It turns out I designed an entire failure analysis, just like I used to do in industry, but because it has yet to be performed on this particular limb, in this particular layout.....I can publish a pretty awesome paper....as first author. Shit, if I can come up with this stuff in after an evening of thought I should maybe consider staying the the Vet Med world and the "token engineer' on an ortho research team.
Speaking of "token engineer", I was a little worried about my Ph.D. - where I would end up, how I'd get funding etc, etc. I'm smart, but not brilliant, so my chances for prestigious scholarships are slim to nil, and if you can bring in your own funding to a Ph.D. program, you can pretty much do whatever you please. Bottom-line, I thought I was going to have to start looking at other research teams and other schools to do the Ph.D. to be eligible for scholarships. Turns out that engineers are hard to come by in surgical and orthopedic research areas and I have some Profs. in Kinesiology "calling dibs" over my expertise, as well as an invitation to continue to work with the Large Animal Surgery team as the "token engineer". I'm really hoping that one of the opportunities will lead to something full-time, but only time will tell I guess. Bottom-line....Opportunities APLENTY! Just keep swimming.
At least it's been a busy month. Teaching, puppies, writing about research (or consequently not writing about research), not running, more teaching, marking...and LOTS of meetings.
I had the first "formal" meeting of the term with my supervisor last week, and somehow I had to explain that I had no idea where the last 6 weeks went, and I'm no where near where I want to be. He felt the same about where his last 2 months went as well, so we just shook it off and kept on going. It helps that he's so laid back and lets me "fight out the issues" so I can catch my own footing. I feel like I'm actually learning and accomplishing shit that way.
My side project in Vet Med is going really too. The surgeon I'm working with is putting A LOT of faith and trust in me, mostly because we're working on pretty much a pure materials engineering problem and he has no idea how to interpret the data or make sense of how to set up the experiment. He just wanted to get one paper out of the project, the way we're going, we should be able to get 2 or 3....which would be really cool. It turns out I designed an entire failure analysis, just like I used to do in industry, but because it has yet to be performed on this particular limb, in this particular layout.....I can publish a pretty awesome paper....as first author. Shit, if I can come up with this stuff in after an evening of thought I should maybe consider staying the the Vet Med world and the "token engineer' on an ortho research team.
Speaking of "token engineer", I was a little worried about my Ph.D. - where I would end up, how I'd get funding etc, etc. I'm smart, but not brilliant, so my chances for prestigious scholarships are slim to nil, and if you can bring in your own funding to a Ph.D. program, you can pretty much do whatever you please. Bottom-line, I thought I was going to have to start looking at other research teams and other schools to do the Ph.D. to be eligible for scholarships. Turns out that engineers are hard to come by in surgical and orthopedic research areas and I have some Profs. in Kinesiology "calling dibs" over my expertise, as well as an invitation to continue to work with the Large Animal Surgery team as the "token engineer". I'm really hoping that one of the opportunities will lead to something full-time, but only time will tell I guess. Bottom-line....Opportunities APLENTY! Just keep swimming.
Saturday, February 18, 2012
A lot happens in a month
Wow. It's been about a month since I last checked in. On some fronts, a lot has changed...on others, not so much.
Research-wise, not so much has changed. Still plugging away, staying ahead of the snowball....mostly writing or trying to write. I'm hoping to have my first manuscript finished by the end of this coming week, so that's looking up. My supervisor isn't too sure if he has the funds to keep me around for a Ph.D., so that's back to being up in the air. I'm still on the lookout for scholarships and such, but it would be more helpful if I actually knew about which ones are open for application. (I could go on a rant about how poor our administrative assistant is, but I think I've hit that base already...so I won't.) He wants to keep me around, that's for sure, but he's not sure if he can.....so the hunt for money/other options/jobs/etc is on. I've come to the realization today that if I have to go out and get a temporary "real job" between the degrees, that won't be such a bad thing, but just another issue to worry about. I've also started seriously looking into other locations. Maybe U of C, maybe Colorado State, maybe Guelph, maybe U of Kentucky.....my only requirement is that they have a Biomedical Engineering program and a Vet College. I'm sure I can mesh the ideas after that.
On the plus side, one of my abstracts was accepted for a podium presentation at a national meeting....so that's really cool. Another was accepted for a poster presentation in Spain....but I don't think I'll be going, because I can't afford it, and our research group doesn't have the money to fund me to go.
Teaching-wise, my class still thinks I'm a hard-ass, but I think they're all cool with it; or at least they realize that I'm hard on them because I'm trying to help them out. They don't like to talk and sometimes class is painful and boring, but I honestly don't care. They have to meet me halfway, and hopefully they'll realize that class will be more fun if they pipe up. Only 6 weeks and a final exam left....I guess.
Home life-wise thing have really changed. I adopted a puppy last weekend. I'm now a part of a two-dog household. Dogs now outnumber humans in this place. I guess you could say I've gone to the dogs. (OK, I'll stop there....)
He's a black pug from the SPCA. I call him Zorro....sometimes Zero....he's pretty "special", but fits right in. Chaos doesn't mind him too much. They play a lot, so that's a good thing. I wasn't planning on bringing in another puppy, but I saw the adoption ad and got "that feeling".....the same feeling that I got when I saw the ad for Chaos, when I wasn't even planning on getting a dog. I went to the SPCA last Friday, asked a few questions and it all checked out, so I filled out an adoption form, arranged for a meet and greet with Chaos....and the rest is history. I guess they were really rooting that I'd take him home. Seems like his "foster parents" were really picky too, so I'm glad I made the cut. He fits in, enjoys cuddles, plays tug and tease with Chaos and is just generally happy to be in a good home I think. My bed is pretty crowded, but I really don't mind.
Personal life-wise nothing has changed. At all. The feelings about the friend who traveled to New Zealand were all in my head apparently and I'm still single. Still alone. Still waiting. Tonight I had a good cry in the bathtub about it all....one of those times where you just sit there and cry, and you wait, wanting someone to come in, wrap you in a towel, pick you up and hug it all out.....but you keep crying because you know it won't happen....because you're all alone. So it's a vicious cycle because you just never get picked up in a towel, you never get to hug it out.....and you keep crying because of it. I think I was sitting in the tub for about 35 mins before I finally decided that I should move the pity party to my bedroom.....with my dogs.
I'm seriously starting to wonder if I'll ever find someone, or if it'll just be me, Chaos, Zorro and my research (which is starting to fall apart) for the rest of my pathetic life. Sometimes there's a hole in your soul that an infinite number of puppies and amazing discoveries just can't fill.
Research-wise, not so much has changed. Still plugging away, staying ahead of the snowball....mostly writing or trying to write. I'm hoping to have my first manuscript finished by the end of this coming week, so that's looking up. My supervisor isn't too sure if he has the funds to keep me around for a Ph.D., so that's back to being up in the air. I'm still on the lookout for scholarships and such, but it would be more helpful if I actually knew about which ones are open for application. (I could go on a rant about how poor our administrative assistant is, but I think I've hit that base already...so I won't.) He wants to keep me around, that's for sure, but he's not sure if he can.....so the hunt for money/other options/jobs/etc is on. I've come to the realization today that if I have to go out and get a temporary "real job" between the degrees, that won't be such a bad thing, but just another issue to worry about. I've also started seriously looking into other locations. Maybe U of C, maybe Colorado State, maybe Guelph, maybe U of Kentucky.....my only requirement is that they have a Biomedical Engineering program and a Vet College. I'm sure I can mesh the ideas after that.
On the plus side, one of my abstracts was accepted for a podium presentation at a national meeting....so that's really cool. Another was accepted for a poster presentation in Spain....but I don't think I'll be going, because I can't afford it, and our research group doesn't have the money to fund me to go.
Teaching-wise, my class still thinks I'm a hard-ass, but I think they're all cool with it; or at least they realize that I'm hard on them because I'm trying to help them out. They don't like to talk and sometimes class is painful and boring, but I honestly don't care. They have to meet me halfway, and hopefully they'll realize that class will be more fun if they pipe up. Only 6 weeks and a final exam left....I guess.
Home life-wise thing have really changed. I adopted a puppy last weekend. I'm now a part of a two-dog household. Dogs now outnumber humans in this place. I guess you could say I've gone to the dogs. (OK, I'll stop there....)
He's a black pug from the SPCA. I call him Zorro....sometimes Zero....he's pretty "special", but fits right in. Chaos doesn't mind him too much. They play a lot, so that's a good thing. I wasn't planning on bringing in another puppy, but I saw the adoption ad and got "that feeling".....the same feeling that I got when I saw the ad for Chaos, when I wasn't even planning on getting a dog. I went to the SPCA last Friday, asked a few questions and it all checked out, so I filled out an adoption form, arranged for a meet and greet with Chaos....and the rest is history. I guess they were really rooting that I'd take him home. Seems like his "foster parents" were really picky too, so I'm glad I made the cut. He fits in, enjoys cuddles, plays tug and tease with Chaos and is just generally happy to be in a good home I think. My bed is pretty crowded, but I really don't mind.
Personal life-wise nothing has changed. At all. The feelings about the friend who traveled to New Zealand were all in my head apparently and I'm still single. Still alone. Still waiting. Tonight I had a good cry in the bathtub about it all....one of those times where you just sit there and cry, and you wait, wanting someone to come in, wrap you in a towel, pick you up and hug it all out.....but you keep crying because you know it won't happen....because you're all alone. So it's a vicious cycle because you just never get picked up in a towel, you never get to hug it out.....and you keep crying because of it. I think I was sitting in the tub for about 35 mins before I finally decided that I should move the pity party to my bedroom.....with my dogs.
I'm seriously starting to wonder if I'll ever find someone, or if it'll just be me, Chaos, Zorro and my research (which is starting to fall apart) for the rest of my pathetic life. Sometimes there's a hole in your soul that an infinite number of puppies and amazing discoveries just can't fill.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Learning as I go...
Today I learned a valuable lesson, or at least I'm in the process of learning a valuable lesson.
The lesson:
It's ok to have very high standards; just don't beat yourself up over it if you don't meet them.
Also, it's ok to challenge your students with those same high standards; just make sure that they understand that you're going to help them rise to the occasion after you've knocked them down a little.
How this all came about is a little interesting.
I was really off my teaching game today. I was so worried about the shear volume of stuff that we needed to cover today that I forgot that sometimes I need to be a little less blunt and a little more diplomatic.
My students have their first assignment due on Friday, and I was scrambling to try and get through as much material as I could so they had all the tools they need. We didn't quite get through it all, but that's not the point. I have to deal with that problem in Thursday's class. Today's problem, or at least I think so, came about when I was laying out the ground rules and my expectations. I figure that it's only fair that that everyone knows the rules before they play the game, mostly so the students know where I stand, what is expected and how they can get there. I believe that being straightforward is the most effective way to get those expectations across. I was maybe too straightforward today. Might have even come across as a crusty bitch....I'm not too sure. Bottom line, I was too distracted with the list of stuff we needed to plow through, that I forgot what it was like to sit in the "student chair".
I explained to them where their grades were likely to land, unless they are able to take the material and go above and beyond. I explained that if they want an exceptional grade, they need to go beyond the notes that I give them and really do some thoughtful application. I challenged them to challenge my expectations and rock my foundation. I hope they understand where I'm coming from.
I explained the situation to my buddy tonight, who has way more life experience than me, and he came up with these words: (or something very similar)
"Dena, you have very high standards; and you know what you're capable of. You probably didn't do as poorly as you think, but because you have such high expectations, when you fall short, you're the first to pick it out, and probably too hard on yourself."
He's right. I do have high standards, very high standards. I don't settle for mediocrity. I shouldn't have to settle for mediocrity. I've always been a very high achiever, and I've worked hard to get where I'm at. Why stop and settle now?
I feel like I should apologize to my class.
We came to a different conclusion....which I think is much, much better. Miles better.
I'm not going to apologize for high standards. I'm not going to apologize for being a straight shooter, and I'm not going to apologize for laying it all out. That's who I am. I don't put up with bullshit.
My standards are very high because I place a lot of value on the ideas, concepts, conventions and philosophies that I teach and practice and they will not be compromised. Somehow, I'm going to have to explain to my students that I set such high standards because I feel that the skills they're going to gain and apply in my class will be incredibly valuable, not just now but for their entire lives. I won't set an expectation that is out of their reach, and I want to challenge my students to meet my high expectations. I may knock them down, but I will also help pick them up and get where they need to go. They just have to meet me halfway.
I think I'm still partially jaded from the group of students I had in my delinquent class last year. I could also be placing a lot of pressure on students that may not be ready for it too. I guess I'll find out on Thursday when they do their mini-speeches. I could just be a neurotic mess too....
I'm sure some of my students will always think that I'm a bitch. I can't please everyone. But, I can try and push them to new levels. They may not like me now, but they'll thank me in the future.
The lesson:
It's ok to have very high standards; just don't beat yourself up over it if you don't meet them.
Also, it's ok to challenge your students with those same high standards; just make sure that they understand that you're going to help them rise to the occasion after you've knocked them down a little.
How this all came about is a little interesting.
I was really off my teaching game today. I was so worried about the shear volume of stuff that we needed to cover today that I forgot that sometimes I need to be a little less blunt and a little more diplomatic.
My students have their first assignment due on Friday, and I was scrambling to try and get through as much material as I could so they had all the tools they need. We didn't quite get through it all, but that's not the point. I have to deal with that problem in Thursday's class. Today's problem, or at least I think so, came about when I was laying out the ground rules and my expectations. I figure that it's only fair that that everyone knows the rules before they play the game, mostly so the students know where I stand, what is expected and how they can get there. I believe that being straightforward is the most effective way to get those expectations across. I was maybe too straightforward today. Might have even come across as a crusty bitch....I'm not too sure. Bottom line, I was too distracted with the list of stuff we needed to plow through, that I forgot what it was like to sit in the "student chair".
I explained to them where their grades were likely to land, unless they are able to take the material and go above and beyond. I explained that if they want an exceptional grade, they need to go beyond the notes that I give them and really do some thoughtful application. I challenged them to challenge my expectations and rock my foundation. I hope they understand where I'm coming from.
I explained the situation to my buddy tonight, who has way more life experience than me, and he came up with these words: (or something very similar)
"Dena, you have very high standards; and you know what you're capable of. You probably didn't do as poorly as you think, but because you have such high expectations, when you fall short, you're the first to pick it out, and probably too hard on yourself."
He's right. I do have high standards, very high standards. I don't settle for mediocrity. I shouldn't have to settle for mediocrity. I've always been a very high achiever, and I've worked hard to get where I'm at. Why stop and settle now?
I feel like I should apologize to my class.
We came to a different conclusion....which I think is much, much better. Miles better.
I'm not going to apologize for high standards. I'm not going to apologize for being a straight shooter, and I'm not going to apologize for laying it all out. That's who I am. I don't put up with bullshit.
My standards are very high because I place a lot of value on the ideas, concepts, conventions and philosophies that I teach and practice and they will not be compromised. Somehow, I'm going to have to explain to my students that I set such high standards because I feel that the skills they're going to gain and apply in my class will be incredibly valuable, not just now but for their entire lives. I won't set an expectation that is out of their reach, and I want to challenge my students to meet my high expectations. I may knock them down, but I will also help pick them up and get where they need to go. They just have to meet me halfway.
I think I'm still partially jaded from the group of students I had in my delinquent class last year. I could also be placing a lot of pressure on students that may not be ready for it too. I guess I'll find out on Thursday when they do their mini-speeches. I could just be a neurotic mess too....
I'm sure some of my students will always think that I'm a bitch. I can't please everyone. But, I can try and push them to new levels. They may not like me now, but they'll thank me in the future.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
One week down, 12 more to go....
Yesterday I went for a run. It would have been awesome except for the other 20 people who decided to use the running track along with me. Stupid people and their stupid New Year's Resolutions, and their stupid inability to follow simple "running track protocol". It's kind of like driving a car, slow people keep to the inside, fast people to the outside. If you're gonna walk, walk on the inside track! And for God's sake - If you're with a buddy, and INSIST on going side-by-side all the way around, WHEN SOMEONE IS TRYING TO PASS YOU AND IT'S CROWDED, HAVE SOME COURTESY AND MOVE ASIDE!!!!!
RUNNING TRACK RAGE!!!
Running aside, I've been hardcore working my upper body. I don't think my triceps have ever been this sore before. It's a great feeling. I can flex my peck muscles individually too. Awesome.
Teaching has been fun so far. It looks like the majority of the class is small town or farm boys interested in horses or horsepower...like 13/19. Could be a lot of fun. I may have to change up my jokes though. I had all these super-nerdy ones lined up. I may have to exchange them for the odd redneck joke or something. I guess time will tell. Either way, it should be a good time. I'm really looking forward to it.
In research news, I've become one of 3 go-to-Engineers for Kinesiologists, and one of 3 go-to-Engineers for Vet Med. I'm kind of excited. I'm really hoping that I'll be able to talk my way into a research or engineering position in Vet Med once I've finished my Ph.D. I'm sure they need someone that knows how to design and modify all kinds of medical tools. It also helps if that person has a clue. Luckily, I have both...and I'm wanting to stuck around to do it. I've started on a project where I get to strain gauge and smash some pony legs, and I think I've made a good impression with the Vet I'm working with. I just need to ride the wave and stay available I guess.
It all makes the snowball a little bigger, but it does cure the "Design or Destroy" itch that I'm getting. Writing is cool and all, and I know it needs to get done, but there comes a point where an Engineer just wants to build something. I don't know a lot about the project now, but what I do know is that we should have enough for 3 papers in an afternoon's worth of smashy-smashy.
Tonight's plan is to read some, then write some, then read some more. Tomorrow, I write some and figure out how I'm gonna run my stats for this section of my project. I honestly have no idea what I'm doing, but I want to have a solution by the end of the week.
I guess I should get to work....
RUNNING TRACK RAGE!!!
Running aside, I've been hardcore working my upper body. I don't think my triceps have ever been this sore before. It's a great feeling. I can flex my peck muscles individually too. Awesome.
Teaching has been fun so far. It looks like the majority of the class is small town or farm boys interested in horses or horsepower...like 13/19. Could be a lot of fun. I may have to change up my jokes though. I had all these super-nerdy ones lined up. I may have to exchange them for the odd redneck joke or something. I guess time will tell. Either way, it should be a good time. I'm really looking forward to it.
In research news, I've become one of 3 go-to-Engineers for Kinesiologists, and one of 3 go-to-Engineers for Vet Med. I'm kind of excited. I'm really hoping that I'll be able to talk my way into a research or engineering position in Vet Med once I've finished my Ph.D. I'm sure they need someone that knows how to design and modify all kinds of medical tools. It also helps if that person has a clue. Luckily, I have both...and I'm wanting to stuck around to do it. I've started on a project where I get to strain gauge and smash some pony legs, and I think I've made a good impression with the Vet I'm working with. I just need to ride the wave and stay available I guess.
It all makes the snowball a little bigger, but it does cure the "Design or Destroy" itch that I'm getting. Writing is cool and all, and I know it needs to get done, but there comes a point where an Engineer just wants to build something. I don't know a lot about the project now, but what I do know is that we should have enough for 3 papers in an afternoon's worth of smashy-smashy.
Tonight's plan is to read some, then write some, then read some more. Tomorrow, I write some and figure out how I'm gonna run my stats for this section of my project. I honestly have no idea what I'm doing, but I want to have a solution by the end of the week.
I guess I should get to work....
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